Tag Archives: hulk

Comme nous chanceux sommes!

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I got righteously indignant about the state of modern feminism the other day after reading all the Betty Friedan obits, but then I had a nice bowl of strawberry ice cream and forgot all about it. I think I was also just mad because I dropped my bagel earlier. Lately, many of my problems relate to actually being hungry.

Oh yeah, so fighting about different brands of feminism: what an awesome bougie problem to have! More money, more problems indeed. Would you like to hear about my problem with impossible math and the condo board’s sub-flooring requirements? I bet you would. The System (this is like The Man) still sucks, in so many possible ways. But I have the great luxury of being able to put off thinking about fixing it until after my nap. I am grateful.

But before my nap, I will inform you that we picked a name for the parasite. However, it contains an “ar” sound. Let’s say it’s Nomar. Now try saying this like a Masshole. Yes. You see the problem. I beat Mr. H into correct R sound pronunciation with a combo of actual beatings and M&M treats, but then I remembered he also has a large family. A family who can talk. Nomah.

Finally, I owe a mess of people a mess of email. If you are one of them, that’s because all my downloaded email is still on another computer. I can’t find the doohicky (I really wanted to say “dongle,” but that wouldn’t be entirely accurate) that connects this computer to a monitor. Life is hard, but I did get a free peppermint hot chocolate from Starbucks. For my patience, which I guess can be confused with standing around not paying attention.

How do other people do it?

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Internet pets, I have such poor stress management skills these days. No wine + no pills + not even freaking Nyquil make Hulk ill-equipped to handle paperwork or daily upset and challenge.

How dare someone want me to do work? How dare my insurance agent be out of the office? How dare my accountant send me a bill? How dare Saab continue to assert that I need a Subaru part? How dare “Kevin” at Subaru not know which part fits a Saab? OMGWTFBBQ Subaru is no longer even remotely a part of GM. I think Toyota owns those shares in Fuji Heavy Industries now. That makes the Saabaru the 2005 Tar-Baby of GM. My pappy once told me “Never buy GM.” Of course he’s also doing a gout cure he found on the internet when he doesn’t even have gout, but we trashpick advice around here as we see fit.

I told Saab to send my file to legal to get me the hell out of the lease. There was hemming and hawing, and then I can’t believe I did this, but I used the “We have a baby on the way, we can’t be expected to drive it around in a car with a broken windshield!” line. Oh, breederism. So loathsome, but apparently effective in this case because Phone Lady said “Oh! I’ll get that right over with a note then.” It doesn’t matter that the car would fail inspection, apparently I can drive it all the livelong day, but THINK OF THE CHIRREN!

Didn’t I write a book last year with a Moose? It was about this time last year, because my Media Bistro membership is expiring. IIRC. LOL. I think I was supposed to be famous by now, but we never got around to actually mailing it to the agent. That’s OK. I’ve met so many more horrible people this year. I could do a sequel in my sleep.

Hearing goes mono, hearing goes stereo. Oh…and back to mono.

Hulk smash windshield, if windshield not already broken

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Saab call Hulk to say 43 other mutants get new windshield ahead of Hulk. Hulk say “why I pay payment then?” Saab say “ooga booga boo. Thank you for calling. Expect a Customer Satisfaction Survey in the mail in a few days. We depend on your valuable feedback.” Never buy Saab. Hulk think Hulk learned this in highschool when friend’s Saab missing hood for three months. But husband not listen, say Saab different now. Lies, Saab, lies.

Part 2: A quiz

If you were a cat with the personality of a PTSD-stricken ‘Nam vet, would you prefer to:

a) move to a new place and then spend time cowering in the bathroom while a week of construction takes place
b) have your owners pay rent plus mortgage for another month as you continue to bask next to a heat vent in your current abode
c) stay with your in-laws and their one-year-old grandchild during construction – at least there are piles of old magazines to hide behind
d) be smuggled into a hotel in a backpack for a few days or disguised as child with body hair issue

I bet you’ll say B, but yeah, right. Hulk not made of money. Hence site monetized and valuetized. If reading this drivel ever entertains you, please also enjoy/forgive the messages from sponsors. Otherwise, you may ignore them or read other quality internets content. Hulk commodify dumb life in half-assed manner.

Hulk have migraine. Is tumor?

Punish me with disk failure and a plague of larvae

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Meine Festplatte ist tot. Or something like that. I know not what I say. Really. I have taken up with some local Germans, and I have learned to ask their baby if his Trousers are stinky. It is all I can do to not ask people that same question in the checkout line, on the train, at Best Buy. Ja!

On Friday, I got a cold finger of fear down my spine, so I backed up my system, and then whaddya know, ker-flunk. Now, hulk not lose any data, and hulk always buy Apple Care, so no big deal. Except Apple no send for laptop until Wednesday, and then laptop stay in sunny Cupertino for another week. What? Hulk not have time for Wednesday! Hulk have to synergize. Hulk have to write in online journal and not balance checkbook due to dependence on online banking. This not happening to hulk!

So hulk go to Apple store and get Mac Mini and cute matching back-up drive for temporary use and future storage. Hulk mutter like Andy Rooney about how old Wallstreet powerbooks so much tougher. Why, hulk stand on, sit on, roll joint on, spill wine on…. For good measure, hulk get cinema display and CS2 upgrade. In for a penny, in for several thousand more dollars. The world ending anyway. Hulk draw line at getting new bag from Banana Republic. What is hulk, a monster? That bag made from animals!

And the larvae. You can’t show a larva crawling in my cabinets in the first scene and not deliver a pay-off. OK, last week, Mr. H opened the cabinets to get some cereal, and there were moths and larvae all over the place. I want to blame the sack of bulgur wheat, but that would be profiling. We threw out all the food not in cans or jars and sprayed toxic chemicals all over the kitchen. At least Mr. H did, I slept through the whole briefly inconvenient ordeal.

Now that I think of it, between the larvae and the Festplatte, there was a trip to the hospital. Hulk literally made of teflon, like Dick Cheney. Try harder.

Holy god above mother of a monkey heaven swallow me up

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One of these just ran by on the wall. And I was all oh you again, I thought I put you outside. It can stay until the cat notices it, but the cat is totally busy staring at that raccoon that’s eating a chicken bone up in the tree outside the window. The cat likes the raccoon, and she likes the skunk, but she does not like other cats. I live on Mount Trashmore*.

So uh what else. I am fresh out of ideas here. And the topical is sooooooo irrelevant. You all know that we are going to die, and that we live in a ridiculous socio-political construct, so why do you need me to rub it in? I can’t sustain a thought for that long anyway. Sometimes when I am driving around, I think “A.D.D. means America Deserves Doomsday.” I also think about how much art exists only as pixels and electrons, and I wonder if that’s a problem. I don’t use paper for anything but wiping. What was me saying?

I could talk about anal sex, or I could talk about going to the grocery store and how that is a bad, irritating place. Or I could talk like Hulk, because I am in such a cranky mood. See, Hulk off happy pills because Doctor say “Hulk, you want to make green strong baby, not SPINDLY WHITE BABY, right?” And Hulk say, “Oh, Hulk guess so.” Hulk not want to make baby anymore, this too much trouble. Hulk plan to adopt monkey cub and go back on sauce.

So what do you clams want me to talk about? Let me know, or suffer. Cuz I can vamp indefinitely. My current favorite wine costs $8. It is the 2001 Campo Viejo Rioja. We buy it by the bucket, and there is no accounting for taste. I could talk about apostrophes, because they get me so mad. Condo’s and Apartment’s. Sandwich’s. OK, anal sex it is; the people have spoken. I hereby declare this Anal Sex Week. I think that would be super, as do American teenage virgins and most people I know, except for my mother. How original. Call Katie Couric.

But seriously, Hulk hate the damn grocery store and the bad people one finds there. Hulk get flustered and purchase macaroni salad for some reason. Who wants to eat macaroni salad?

*Not true, but I have visited.

Burden

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Hulk hurt self bulk shopping. Hulk not lie to you. Ouch.

Also, I am morally outraged because it turns out that Netflix does not stock pornography! What the? I mean I just assumed that they would when I forked over $20. It’s not like it’s a number one hobby or anything, but this is America! If I want to settle in with some microwave popcorn for “Weapons of Ass Destruction,” who is Netflix to turn down my hard-earned unemployment dollars? I wouldn’t have even noticed if I hadn’t been looking for “Something About Mary.” This reminded me to always try Keyword: Bukkake. No dice. I am drafting an angry letter right now.

-xxoo