I went to meet a pediatrician this morning. I had picked the most attractive person in the practice, but she was busy, which left Miss First Runner Up. So Stunt Double presented me with a photocopied booklet with line art of a demonic teddy bear on it. I knew right then that I would die inside when I opened it. I hadn’t even considered that bad graphic design might muscle in and blot out the sun. But you can’t plan on some things, like nostril pimples or getting audited.
I did, however, expect a blank stare when I mentioned having the baby outside a hospital. I expected the googly eyes when I mentioned that we’d be delaying/selectively vaccinating. Check checkity check. When I got home, I read through the booklet. It had a Dos and Don’ts section, and I was all primed to see photos of anonymous people wearing fanny packs or ripped tights, but it turned out that only happens in Glamour Magazine.
Instead, I read:
“DON’T put baby face down on a waterbed.”
That really hit home. I can’t believe I was planning on storing her that way. The more you know…. ding DING dee….
Then the business card fell out. COMIC SANS. Hi, hi!
I am just not taking the parasite to the doctor, ever. There’s nothing a little colloidal silver and homemade Botox can’t fix, right?