Your breathless correspondent has thrown out her back. Do not ask how. The answer is undignified for both of us. I believe this officially entitles me to some ObamaCare! Which means, what, exactly? I’ve heard the term, and I haven’t bothered to figure out what the dilly is. One hears things, and one nods along, [...]
I got a scale that measures my body fat percentage, and you are about to be painfully informed of how happy this makes me. Some people are afraid of the numbers on the scale, but I take it in stride as Science. I have 25% body fat, by the way! Wooooo! I am excited not [...]
One could begin last week, when one spent a fair amount of time sitting on the toilet while barfing in a Halloween pumpkin bucket (don’t you keep one handy to play with in your bath tub?), or one could begin two years ago tonight, when one was flippantly out for a pasta dinner while in [...]
Bless, but there is a giant disgusting hole cut in my back! An actual doctor did it, so at least this time there is an explanation. He was going to remove another thing while he was at it, but I asked him if he was going to cut it the same way as the other [...]
My homemade botox gave me a touch of palsy, so I am out of commission this year. No pranks here, weimaraners. God, I wish there were dogs reading this. I love dogs. Why should they be deprived of reading? Share:
The murderer across the hall further surprised us by heavily dragging in an inflatable rubber boat. When we next went into the hallway, we found a crumpled piece of gauze on the floor outside his door. I wanted to poke it with a stick, but Mr. H reminded me that this could accidentally link me [...]
We are sailing the high seas of December here at the Vomitorium. Two-thirds of us were violently ill for a protracted period last week, and one-third of us is on drugs. One-third of us is planning to snitch the drugs from the other third as soon as humanly possible because one-third of us never met [...]
October starts as a tickle in the back of your throat, a nagging little sensation that something bigger looms. I can get over this, you say. Let me take some zinc. The next thing you know, October has put a copy of “Star Wars: Episode I” in the dishwasher, unbeknownst to you. Why is there [...]
Just the other night, I was thinking I might write a blog post, and maybe even see if I could goad anyone into a content challenge, but then I encountered a group medical situation in my home. This situation has been reviewed by bystanders with phrases including “God hates you” and “OMG plague of Jaffa.” [...]
Recently, my attention was directed to a blender by an alert husband. Because he’s pretty much the only person I’ve talked to this week, except for yelling at the receptionist at my doctor’s office. Her: “Do you have insurance?” Me: “DYING! DYING! DYING!” (slumps against wall to make this clear) Her: “Well, it’s just that [...]
