You do not want to know what I did with three days of naps, one father-supervised walk to feed ducks, and a P-Touch. I feel a deep sense of calm in my soul. A place for everything, and all the other stupid crap shredded and recycled.
I even went through a stack of proxy cards and voted them, generally installing incredibly old rich white men on boards everywhere. Sample additional question: “Some tedious meddling killjoy shareholders feel we should not invest in companies that profit from genocide. The board recommends a vote AGAINST this measure, as we wish to swim unfettered in our money bins.” Well, a vote for genocide is OK with m— whoa, wait a minute, reading messes things up again! I voted against profiting from genocide. So far, I’ve lost 3% for the year, so genocide can’t be that lucrative anyway. Don’t worry, the 3% was in retirement accounts, and I’m only 25. Indefinitely. The government is going to have a tough time making me take mandatory disbursements. I have a portrait in the attic I’ll use as ID.
OK, I made the 3% back last week. But still. Genocide!
I think I just came down with scurvy or rickets or something! Aaaaaaaaaah! I hereby declare it St. Croix’s Day! I’ll be at the airport if you need me, pre-spending my tax bribe that consists of my own money anyway.
I get emails from Morningstar goading me into affluence, here and I see that today ORLY has been upgraded to “consider buying.” Great! This will go nicely with my core holdings of OMG, remedy LOL, and WTF.
For the purpose of making that dumb joke, I found out that besides ORLY, only OMG is a real ticker symbol. What? You mean most of my portfolio is imaginary? That much I know is true. But the good news is that I only need to save one million dollars a year in the last three years before I retire in order to reach my retirement savings goal! I am not going to bother saving until then. I am positive I will make enough space bucks then. It will be a breeze. A chilling breeze, from the depths of outer space.
Also, the river is rising abruptly ahead of predictions. My flood insurance does not become active until the 26th. Timing, schmiming.
The murderer across the hall further surprised us by heavily dragging in an inflatable rubber boat. When we next went into the hallway, we found a crumpled piece of gauze on the floor outside his door. I wanted to poke it with a stick, but Mr. H reminded me that this could accidentally link me to scores of heinous crimes. Wouldn’t that be a pisser? At any rate, I hope he got the full value of his FSA for murderers contributions for 2007. It’s so important to keep good records. Did you know rubber gloves and electrical tape are allowed, but not kitty litter? Use it or lose it. I’d refer him to my accountant, but he’s already dead, unfortunately.
I recently celebrated a triumph by liberating an old retirement account that had been misappropriated by former employers, halfassedly refunded under supervision of the Department of Labor, and then frozen in time and avoidance for the next five years. I had to track down people who don’t enjoy remembering I exist any more than I enjoy the reverse, and it took several months of calls and emails and pleading and wheedling and third party involvement to finally resolve. I got my check in my pasty little paw right before Christmas, and I sent it in to my new evil empire, feeling a sense of great accomplishment and relief. At last, this unpleasant chapter and even more unpleasant paperwork was but a distant memory.
Then I got another check for $1.12. MAYHEM FROM BEYOND THE GRAVE. I should put this in my IRA for zombies.
Nermally (the world’s cutest kitten), I let a fair number of people live every single day. I am also teaming with friendly bacteria. However, today I received great insult when I discovered that an invoice about which I’ve wheedled and nagged for almost two months is late because the person who claimed to have submitted it never submitted it. Clearly, someone is lying, but I should have known enough to claw my way up the mountain and speak with the head yak sooner! Bah! It is a stroke of luck for all involved that I am so filthy rich that I do not even need this invoice. When the check comes, I’m going to cash it and roll around in it and then stuff it in a drawer and forget about it. My ybab might eat some of it. A cat has been on a diet, so she might want to eat some too. I don’t care. I am retired now!
Casa Vomitola survived a visit from ybab’s grandparents. We sat around. We fell asleep mid-conversation. We stared into space and refused entertainment and liquids. We made arrangements very, very complicated. We mean well. We always mean well.
In other news, my accountant died. This is very sad, and this is not allowed! I require eternal dedication from my professional services providers. I have no idea where to send my receipts now. Maybe this is a sign that the lord doesn’t want me to file taxes anyway.
Also, my hairstylist has the nerve to be on vacation! I am thisclose to cutting my own bangs. I am quite good at it thanks to Allure Magazine, but she will still be mad if I do. Well, don’t go on vacation then! Await my whim, universe.
I am temping this week. Which comprises of helping myself to the Smarties jar and keeping up-to-date on the Lohan situation. Do you have a rewarding job? Don’t answer, only a quiz can tell!
1. Finish this sentence: “I make so much damn money, I can ____”
a. feed it to my dog.
b. buy more stupid shit than anyone I know.
c. heat my apartment next winter.
2. For your commute you:
a. curl up with a book
b. become homicidal
c. scratch your ass on the way from the bed to your laptop
3. Which best describes the people you work with:
a. enjoy owning pets
b. extremely ugly
c. wear orange jumpsuits
4. Which is your favorite serial killer:
a. Albert Fish, the “moon maniac”
b. Charles Starkweather
c. Ed Kemper “the Coed Killer”
5. You can’t look at this quiz while you are working because:
a. You go on as soon as they are done disinfecting the pole
b. Someone might see a big red ass on your screen
c. You are now too busy reading about albert fish, the “moon maniac”
There is no scoring for this quiz, only the following analysis: If you are scratching your ass and feeding money to your dog, you have definitely done something right. If you have to look at ugly people, I hope you are handsomely paid. And if you are a homicidal maniac, then you have the most rewarding work of all, hellish power over life and death.
There are no right answers, except to question #4, which is clearly c. Ed Kemper.
I am thinking of switching this site over to Whereisyournose.com. Where is it??? Where’s your nose? Oh, not sure? Well, let’s find my nose first. No? Still no nose? We may need to consult Science on this one. Science holds the cure for fun. Write your own Michael Jackson joke at this point.
Oh, where was I? I am not an animal! Stop poking me. Stop it. What is wrong with you? Why are you pinching me? If you want this piece of pasta, you will stop pinching me. I mean it. Pasta! Look, a bird. That is a bird. Where is the picture of a cat?
I have to go drop off a check for my life insurance tomorrow. What are the odds that I will be hit by a large truck on the way to do this? I have never been more scared in my life. This is more terrifying than being three blocks from home after an exotic vacation. What do you mean, a window a/c fell and crushed her? You sure it wasn’t some rare fever? Leeches? No? Stop pinching me.
It’s about time I had fans with deep pockets, fans who can shower mewith gifts.The time is now, fans. Thanks for sticking with me until I needed you.I’m sure you feltperipheralattimes. But that is no tthe case.The universefunctions in strange ways. The strangest. Myspacebar doesn’t work quite as it should. This is incredibly distressing to me.As ifthis time ofyearis not distressing enough. Oh, I should have bought Apple care.Wait, I did buyApple care. And there is a funny story about Apple.Lastweek Mr. H said we should buy Apple stockbecause it isabout to split or something, and Isaid “howmuch no money are we talking,” and hesaidit cost something like$80 a share.And I looked, and itwasa lot morethan that. Iwonder where he got$80? But I bought it anyway because I like making impulsedecisions. This has servedme wellin all areas of life ornot. And then I noticed just yesterdaythat I have a strange new freckle with irregular borders, soIreally hopethe stock splits because I am going to need massive surgery soon. I’d do it myself, but after the homemade botox, I wasput on notice. The homemade botoxisstill good on toast, at least.
Last night, the Director of Software did not return until tiny human and I were fast asleep. All the software needed extra directing. Like Kevin Federline, I’d assume. The Director missed a delicious dinner, which featured me zesting lots of stuff while an irascible monkey clung to my leg. We have places for monkeys like that.
In other news, my net worth is still negative. But my self-worth, gossssshhhh, it’s out of sight. I have nice ankles! I am kind to animals! I send thank you notes! Yes, it’s good to be me. Remind me of this when I am humiliated beyond belief at the financial planner’s office tomorrow. Apparently people are supposed to have things like emergency funds, retirement funds, college funds, and insurance for many unpleasant situations. We have some of that, but in amusingly petite amounts. My IRA is so cute! I could just pat it on the head.
Perhaps the Director can get a second job. Perhaps the monkey can learn to play the bones on a street corner. Perhaps I will move to Mexico with the last dregs of the savings account. It is spring, and anything can happen.