Norepinephrine, where have you been all my life? YOU are my new favorite neurotransmitter. You are cashmere socks and lollipops, whiskers on kittens and radishes cut like rosebuds, toe separators and expertly placed highlights. You are like that dream I had the other night, the one where I ordered “Canadian” Xanax from an internet pharmacy. When it arrived, it looked like Viagra and baby aspirin, but I took it anyway and spent the rest of the dream riding an old-fashioned velocipede around a tropical city, stoned out of my gourd. I even thought “I wish Lambchop could be in this dream!”
In preparation for flying this weekend, I would like to share my Top Tips for Travel with our dear readers.
2. Wear a sleep shade, ideally as soon as you get into the airport. There are ugly people allowed in those things!
3. If a child is annoying you, take it aside and kindly explain that you will flush it down the toilet, where it will immediately freeze solid as soon as it hits the outside air, followed by a 30,000 foot plummet into someone’s rumpus room.
4. Stockpile your “Canadian” Xanax. I’d reserve this for long-haul flights.
5. Load up your iPod with the soothing sounds of meditation exercises. “I will devastate my enemies….I am adored as a God….I let you live….”
6. Freestyle. This part is really up to you. Whether it’s twitching, pacing, or screaming, you want to make this flight a memorable experience for the other passengers. They are counting on you!
Coming soon: My list of Things I did not like about 2004. Yup, just phoning it in. Go to hell, I still have to assemble gift baskets for people I don’t like.
It’s interesting to note throughout history the lengths people will go to in order to remove each other’s heads. We at vomitola favor the method of those chilly Chinese, the Flying Guillotine. This dandy little basket made of whirring blades and a lampshade, can separate you from your topper with stunning efficiency. It’s a dark film, filled with all manner of cruel demise. We could not have come up with better ourselves.
And there are so many people out there who really would benefit from a head-ectomy. The streets and supermarkets are packed with the fumblers, mumblers, or just plain ugly. “Why are we plagued thusly?!” you ask us, gentle readers. We cannot answer this. We can only suggest you do as we do- medicate yourself, have a good time, and take a little lie down after trips to the store. Helen does! So what if you have to cross the street to avoid soemone unsightly! So you have to screen your calls and your eyes ache from rolling. You are obviously insane.
Merry Christmas, We Let You Live!
Autumn brings dismal things. Hence, buy a new layout. I call this one “Young Poisoner.” Lambchop calls it “Some like it hot.”
Today we reach a milestone in the Vomitorium: Our 500th post. Even Seinfeld didn’t make it to 500 episodes! It is only fitting, that as a blog about nothing, we go the distance. This one’s for you, Larry David.
Looking back on the past year and a half or so, we are humbled. All the hairstyles we’ve tried, all the candy necklaces eaten, all the gumjobs gummed. It’s staggering. To say nothing of the flailing. And as Connected Americans, we’ve done all of this while physically attached to each other. This is no small feat considering we live about twenty miles apart and enjoy traveling to other continents alone. Where is our genius grant?
As a convenience to our loyal readers, we’ve made a wee timeline detailing some of the hightlights of the past 499 posts.
>> View the timeline
Here’s hoping the next 500 violate you just as vilely. Remember, WE LET YOU LIVE.