Tag Archives: valentines day

Whatever happens, I love you

I ventured out to see the glorious world, and I soon got a warm, tingly feeling in my lower regions. Then I realized it was only the ass warmer in the car seat, and for the first time in 3 months, I shut it off with a flourish. Could spring be here soon? I might have to shave my legs.

I saw no real signs of Valentine’s Day in the streets, besides the occasional fly-by-night carnation/bear operation on a street corner, but the child did come home with a paper bag poorly stenciled with hearts and stuffed with little valentines. I want! Where is my paste-slathered offering? I suppose failing glitter and foam dove stickers, I would accept one of these.

Give a little something to my love life

O lovers! O friends!  It is getting hot down here in the trenches.  Ok, eww. 

 The cafeteria thoughtfully set out rice balls for vday.  They were deligthfully crispy and moist.  You see where I am going with this.  Balls balls!  Chomping on balls on Valentines Day!!!  Balls. It is true that love does not make us any cleverer.  We do have enough sense in our pea brains, however, to indulge in a bit of Mozathon.  There is enough bitter longing in there for several days, one holiday cannot possibly contain it all.  But we can try.  Here is a sample playlist for those of you who will be dining with (or perhaps on) cats this evening:

Unlovable (I know the words to this song, having copied them dutifully onto several notebook covers)

I Know it’s Over/Never Had No One Ever (I always thought of this as one song, one continuous howl.  Look no farther, it gets no worse).

Reel Around the Fountain (and reel from the gayness)

Disappointed (CHECK)

I’m Hated for Loving

I’m OK by myself

I Want the One I Can’t Have

Last Night I Dreamt Somebody Loved Me (considerably more poetic than “last night I dreamt I won $15 on a scratch ticket”)

Nobody Loves Us

Now My Heart is Full

I took a walk outside and saw some love happening right in the streets.  This should come as no surprise, as I work near Times Square.  But never mind the peepshow pornstore.  It is 50 degrees, legs are bare, a man on the corner said he liked my red boots.  Balls for lunch.  Long live love!


The FTD man is downstairs and the snow is melting from our very hearts! Need we remind you that Valentine’s Day is the single best day of the year?  I think not, for you are living in the same love-obsessed culture as we and are surely just as mad for glitter and artificial flowers.  We are going to be liveblogging this incredible celebration.  I had a box of honey chocolates for breakfast.  Why do they put nutritional information on the outside of these now?  I really did not need to know that winter hazelnut cream is rich in fat and utterly lacking in vitamin A. 

Please send us your heartrending tales of how your day is going.  Maybe someone “popped the question”.  You know, “Want to meet me in the bathroom?”  Or maybe you decided to dump someone today, because you are a bitch like that.  Perhaps you were even unfriended by a Morrissey impersonator (ed-true story).  No matter your fate on this gloriously saccharine day, there is a song about you.  And we are singing it.

You Can Pin and Mount Me, Like a Butterfly

While Licketysplit is filling buckets, buckets full of love, I am covering the phones here. It reminds me of when we had a Sunday radio show. We were doing lesbian kisses before they invented them for TV. But that was only because we were hoping it might offend someone. Anyway, one time after the usual 4-hits-of-acid-saturday-wake-up-go-to-taco-bell-sunday, we arrived at the station and wolfed down some burritos. I played “the Choke” and “Lunchbox” while ol’ Skanky LaRue was off puking. Get well soon darling!

I am celebrating Valentines Day in a lofty fashion- by eating an enormous onion bagel with melted cheese and tomato. I assure you, it is a most romantic sandwich.

If I lack spirit today, it is because I threw a Valentine Ball at my house this weekend. We had a fog machine, a dazzling array of baked sweets, and a glass punch bowl filled with tequila. The walls were covered in construction paper hearts, heart tinsel, and red paper lantern lights. It was really beautifully done, thanks to the help of my roommates, and an opinionated six year old. Me and Echo hung hearts and decorated cupcakes in hot pink sugar and tiny red candy lips. The party itself was a whirl of dancing and cherry filled Kitty Dukkake. I am pretty sure I had a good time, for I recall delighted faces, dancing to “Xanadu”. I am also pretty sure I didn’t get into any fights, fall down the stairs, or start stroking my roommates’ chest hair and calling them “papi”.

Yesterday I was not awake for very long. Mainly long enough to watch Footloose, which I had never seen before. It has probably been a while for most of you, so let me remind you: Footloose is inexpressibly painful in its dorkiness. And while I love dancing movies, the one part of the body that I don’t want to see “loose” are the feet. Or that musical theater thing where people bow their legs, knees knocking back and forth. I must have a chat with you, 1980’s, and find out just what the hell we were all thinking. One interesting factoid about this film is that nearly all the cast went on to successful careers afterward. Mysterious. Since the film I am currently making is approximately 50 times as awful as Footloose, perhaps its release will catapult me into untold riches.

My future finances thus secured, I bought two import box sets of Morrissey singles, spanning decades of Morrissey. It is the age of Morrissey. All Morrissey, all day. Which is very fitting for Valentines Day. I think i will kick off the next hour with “Unloveable”. We’ll be right back after Licketysplit is done yodeling her groceries.