Tag Archives: sexy sex

Cruisin’ in my hoopty

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From the Desk of Kitty Winn

Dear Kitty Winn,

A bit of a sticky situation is plaguing me. I was in the locker room at the gym the other day and feeling a bit fresh and spring-like. As I reclined in the sauna, I allowed my towel to peek open a bit. When I opened my eyes again, I noticed that a co-worker had entered the sauna. He seemed to be employing the same MO as me. I fled hastily without saying anything. He hasn’t mentioned it either. Then, whaddya know, I run into him at the video store! So I guess my generic question is if I’m sort of half-heartedly cruising in a local adult video store or sauna, and I run into a co-worker, what’s the appropriate way to behave? Especially if I’m not sure if he’s actually cruising as well?

-Simple in the Sauna

Dear Simple,

Kitty is so glad she does not have this problem. The men come swarming to Kitty! Also, you have left out a lot of pertinent details. 1) Is the co-worker hot? 2) Would you roger him roundly? 3) Are you a bit slow? Wake up and smell the coffee! 4) Kitty has always wanted to say that.

If the co-worker is hot and you would be open to cavorting, you could approach him casually the next time you meet in a non-work setting. Here we must tread carefully, because we must recall the magic phrase “don’t dip your pen in company ink.” Dating co-workers, while not uncommon, should be approached with caution. You never know when someone will go psycho and bring personal issues into a public forum. Are you prepared to be the next office drama? If you out-rank him at work, you may be legally obligated by the policies of your company to look but not touch.

You also didn’t say if you are out at the office or not. Is this a factor in your skittishness? Chances are good that if you keep running into this fellow at the places you mention (the gay section at the local porn shop), he’s playing for your team. If you weren’t sure he was cruising or not, he must be a discreet individual.

Finally, we have the possibility that the co-worker is not attractive, and there’s a snowball’s chance in hell that you’d ever hook up. In that case, proceed as if nothing had ever happened. No need to get his poor short, spotty hopes up! Also, if you are unattractive, you should stop fretting right now, as this guy will no doubt leave a wide berth. Saved by the ugly stick!

good luck,

-Kitty

Hungry for love

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from the desk of Kitty Winn

Dear Kitty Winn,

I have a relatively new boyfriend (six months) and an even newer bit of pudge. I have begun to exercise because I am not into it. But how do I find out if he thinks I am fat?! You can’t just ask!

I have to know!!

-can’t sleep (no trouble eating, though)

Dear Sally,

Au contraire, mon cherie, guys love it when you come right out and ask! Repeatedly. Try to cry while inquiring.

Wait until you are slated to head out for a big night on the town. Put on an especially form-fitting frock and collapse in a heap of smeared lipstick and Lee Press-Ons, drumming your feet on the divan until your mules fly off. He’ll ask “What’s wrong, darling?” and you can yank back the curtain from your fun house mirror of body image!

Actually, Kitty will let you in on the secret to men: Everyone likes a little junk in the trunk. You must learn to wave it like a juicy filet before a hungry dingo. If this guy’s not into it, you can surely find someone who is!

And why aren’t your budoir antics enough to keep off the pounds? No woman worth her weight in Fracas should have to suffer the indignity of exercising, especially after only six months of lovin’. Is this the real heart of your problem? Is he a dud between the sheets?

Let’s get physical,

-Kitty

Hell is other people?

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Dear Kitty Winn,

I am a sad and lonely act, gagging for sex. My sympathetic friends have helped set me up on a couple of dates, but every time I found myself on the road to snog city, some part of me would panic and find fault with the guy-like I didn’t like his side parting, or he said “wicked” once too often. But then I go right back to repining my celibacy. Naturally, my friends are no longer sympathetic. Perhaps you can answer the question that’s on their minds- “what the hell is the matter with (me)?!”

-Cry for love

Dear Crybaby,

It’s not you, it’s them! Actually, that’s not true, it’s YOU, YOU, YOU, but I cheered you up for a minute right? One possible course of action is to re-evaluate your romantic timeline. Perhaps you are letting the woo drag on a bit too long? It helps to have already sampled the milk before you let the cow start to annoy you. So hop to it and kiss on the first date (be safe of course). If it’s sex you want, sex ye shall have! Then you’ll have at least a 3-10 day cuddle hormone-fueled fog before you start to blink, rub your eyes, and notice the object of your lust sways his hips like a woman or lets the fork touch his teeth.

Believe me, there is no relationship lacking this phase of revulsion. Your “Oh God, how did I get here?” moment could come in 2 days, or 20 years. But if it’s worth pursuing, you’ll forge ahead. You’ll know when.

Alternately, if it really seems that no one measures up, maybe your friends just don’t know anyone good! Maybe you need to ditch your friends for more attractive ones, with more suave, attractive friends of their own.

Failing that, figure out what’s eating you about yourself. If you don’t like yourself, you are likely a cranky poop, on your way to being a nosy old bat. And who’s going to want to be around such an obvious open wound? Maybe all these losers are really trying to drive you away because you are so insufferable and pathetic that they don’t know what else to do?

Oh, put the letter opener down! Turn off the oven! Kitty is just trying to provoke. Sadly, the answer is that you are the key to your own happiness. No one else can make anything better if you don’t allow them. It’s ok to be a solitary soul for a while. Try to put the cravings for love aside and find it within yourself. Think Buddhism. What Would Richard Gere Do?

Keep Kitty updated, Crybaby, as your problem is more thorny than anticipated. Relax, be yourself, and before you know it, you’ll be picking out a thermos for that special someone, not an ordinary thermos either.

Fortitude,

-Kitty

Love is in the Air (or at least in stores)

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Dear Kitty Winn

I really enjoy your letters. My problem is my girlfriend. We are having a rough time lately and she expresses her feelings mainly by making fun of me in front of our friends. She calls me “meatball” and quips that my cock is useless. She makes us all laugh, but I wonder if I am laughing my way to singlehood.

-sad clown

Dear Sad

Kitty Winn is awash in roses and does not have time for the sorry dog’s dinner that is your life. It’s Valentines Day! Thank you boys for the scented bath pearls and the petit-fours and ankle bracelets and trails of hershey’s kisses. Its time to uncork the bubbly and read through the perfumed sonnets. Flowers everywhere! How dare anyone court me with their sniffly little foo foo meatball problems!

(we will return tomorrow to our regularly scheduled misery)

-Kitty Winn

Do it for Science!

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Hello boys and girls, Kitty Winn here. You may remember our distraught young writer from yesterday, Pine Fresh. Well, he’s risen to the challenge and provided us with a smorgasboard of personal information. Kitty did have to coax a bit, but we’ve arrived at an intriguing profile. So sit back, enjoy, and prepare to pounce on this tasty morsel!

Kitty Winn: So, give us some basic statistics.

Pine Fresh: Human male. 5’8″, 156 pounds. I’m a guilty white liberal. A yuppie.

KW: Hobbies and interests?

PF: I like art, both creating and looking at it. I enjoy going to see bands or DJs, but I don’t like the club scene so much. When it’s not too cold I like to just wander around the city and try to get lost in a new neighborhood.

KW: Favorite food?

PF: I like sushi, or spicy chinese eggplant.

KW: Favorite sad movie/ favorite funny movie:

PF: For sad, I think you have to go for “Happiness”, and for funny I really like “The Usual Suspects.”

“Oswald was a fag” is such a great line. And “No, give ME the gun, you motherfucking cocksucker.”

KW: Favorite reading material, printed and online:

PF: Books I liked: The Corrections (I know, I know), magazines I read: the New Yorker (for the articles!) and The Economist (for the cartoons!), and websites I like include boingboing.net.

KW: And he also meant to add “Vomitola!” What are you listening to right now?

PF: Public Enemy, “Fear of a Black Planet.”

KW: What makes you a good fling?

PF: I’ll call once or twice, and I’ll get the hint if you aren’t interested!

KW: What makes you a good long term relationship (LTR)?

PF: I listen to and respect my partner. I always make sure the other person is having as good a time as I am.

KW: Come on, let’s give our hopelessly immature readers a treat.

PF: I have nice muscles? I smell nice?

KW: Good enough. Favorite kitchen implement?

PF: Tongs.

KW: Nasty boy!

So there you have it, gentle readers. If you are a comely lass in search of a partner in the greater Boston area, write Kitty with a summary of qualifications, and we’ll see if we can make the first Vomitola.com love connection.

swoon,

-Kitty

Playing cupid

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Dear Kitty Winn,

I hate valentine’s day. I keep seeing fun valentiney things to do and then realize I have no plans, and even if I had a date, it wouldn’t be the kind of sincere and loving date that would be worthy of the extravagant valentiney things. When I was dating someone, I hated valentines’ day and was disgusted by all the extravagant gifts that the season demanded I give, and by the whole commercial insincerity of it all.

I know what other singles will be doing. The really cheezy corporate-owned bars in The Alley have a singles flirt-fest where there will be incredibly drunk incredibly lonely people looking to have incredibly awful guilt-wracked fear-of-dying-alone sex with strangers. The various titty bars in town will be full of incredibly drunk, incredibly lonely guys and very distant, mildly disgusted strippers who don’t quite have to think about what they’re doing since they’re coked out of their minds.

But what can a single Boston boy do this friday? I’m a human male with a pulse. Surely someone has lowered their standards enough for me!

-Pine Fresh

Dear Pining,

Human? Male? That’s always been good enough for Kitty! I don’t know what’s wrong with girls these days. Or do you need a boy? You didn’t specify. If it’s boymeat on your mind, there’s always the Ramrod (it’s military gear night!), or Jacque’s.

If it’s females you’re after, I’d stake out Victoria’s Secret. Look for the girl buying sexy undies. And then talk to her less comely friend who’s been dragged along for the ride! Or you could camp out next to florists and the Godiva store, noting who peers in longingly. Because good boyfriends have already sent flowers and candy to work by now, so chances are they’re single. Finally, who says all strippers are coked out of their minds? There are plenty of nice ladies who are strippers. Of course they won’t like you if you have a negative attitude like that! Judge not lest ye be judged, Kitty always says.

Of course that’s a rotten lie. Kitty loves to judge people!

Realistically? Does it have to come to that? I’d suggest going somewhere non-date-y with a group of friends. Scorpion bowls in Chinatown can’t be beat. Scamming on friends of friends is always a good bet anyway. Or I can open up the floor to readers. Provide me with some vital statistics, and maybe we can palm you off on a lucky Vomitola fan!

warm-heartedly yours,

-Kitty

A sensitive problem for a sensitive individual

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Dear Kitty Winn,

Attachments: right.scr, e23132zb24v[1].jpg

-frillysimsATmindspring.com

Dear frillysims,

That was SOME question. I would have to say that obviously I don’t know you very well, but you’d probably want to talk to a doctor sooner than later. I hear there are also some good hotlines for that. You don’t want to risk life-long infertility, now do you? And good lord, think of the cosmetic ramifications!

regards,

-Kitty

Pee Ess: Kitty is using a Mac, you can’t touch her with your zany microsoft scripting, even if she DID open attachments from strangers!

Heartbreak and Halitosis

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Dear Kitty Winn:

I was sitting home alone worrying last night, wondering what to do, when it occurred to me that what I needed was help from a purveyor of tawdry advice. After all, I have a terribly tawdry problem. I can’t seem to get over my ex-girlfriend. I’m beginning to annoy my friends, and even my therapist, by talking about her constantly. I’ve tried the usual techniques — moving to another town, drinking heavily, sleeping around like a two-bit whore– but none of them work. It just feels like additional betrayal: I’m not staying true to the girl I love, and the rebound girl knows what’s going on because I call out the wrong names. I just can’t achieve, how you say, release, without thinking of my lost love and the taste of her sweet, sweet anus. What can I do to get her off my mind? Also, can you recommend any good breath mints?

— Darren Hungus

Darren Hungus, I feel for you. I have been consumed with giving your problem the proper attention. It was hardly off my mind while I was watching a 60’s go-go film and having a Charleston Chew. You pose a difficult question, but without a doubt, use Fisherman’s Friend to expunge the foulness of your mouth. Those babies pack a wallop! Oh right, and your ex-girlfriend…clearly you have let the girl of your dreams slip through your fingers and will never ever be happy again ever.

Never ever.

You could endeavor to be satisfied with your lot, but Kitty Winn believes in setting things right! You don’t have a shred of existence without this woman, so you must dedicate your life to having her back. Write her, call her, lurk beneath her window- don’t let the girl have five seconds in which thoughts of you do not intrude. Give her no rest from professions of your unabated love! Praise her back door beauty! Erect a shanty in front of her door, where you live, unshaven, eating little snack foods and denied fresh air solely for a daily glimpse of her angry face in passing. No woman can resist such romantic heroism- you will be plumming her annals and hating her stupid laugh again in no time!

Good Luck,

Kitty Winn