Tag Archives: katy perry

A Glamorous Retreat

I was recently informed that sitting is the new smoking (God help smokers who also sit). I spend a fair amount of time in the car now, typically sitting, and this gives me plenty of time to ponder my own mortality and the mortality of that idiot in front of me with the “Cash For Your Warhol” sticker on his bumper. Oh, tee hee. Frigging Cambridge.

Last night, as I drove home in a lightning storm, narrowly avoiding a squashing as the rear doors of a tractor trailer flew open in front of me, I wondered if I should prepare a farewell post for Just In Case. I already have my clearly marked album of sexy photos labeled “Approved for use for public memorial purposes.” But there are so many ways to kick it that I think I might have to target my posts and photos, much like one used to be advised to target a resume in the olden days when people actually had those or read them.

If I die in a particularly thrilling way, like forced Fugu poisoning because I crossed the Yakuza or going on a mescaline-fueled bender and crashing a stolen fighter jet into Mount Rushmore, I want my family to first call Michael Bay and sell the rights to my story. Then they will need to notify my social networks and even my parents. I would want my official final photos to show the deep, introspective side of me too. It’s not all glitter and body oil and cleavage over here. We also have philosophy. And Opinions.

If I die in one of the far more likely common manners of death, I might need to punch it up a little. Imagine reading an obituary blandly detailing my death in a car accident, an IKEA assembly tragedy, or acute compflunction from exposure to Katy Perry (It’s transcendental/at another level). Yawn. In that case, pull out all the stops! I want to be remembered as a be-frilled vixen who ruled with an iron fist in a newborn skin glove.

It really is impossible to please everyone, even myself, isn’t it. Some people make wills, I leave style guides. Oh hell, I will leave it all up to Lambchop. She’s good with this sort of vision work.

Where were you when the stars went out?

Selling rapture insurance was really quite a stroke of luck for us here at the Vomitola bunker. Lambchop is building houses and making a bikini library out of all the money that’s rolling in, just in case we don’t get to use it. Not that we’d get raptured, but it might catch on fire because it is paper. I bought an F-16 and a Boeing 747-8 because Gulfstreams aren’t expensive enough anymore. I also bought John Travolta to fly the planes for me. He’s not going anywhere, let’s be honest. He’s the last to know. Or maybe that’s his wife.

So now we wait. Wait until when, exactly, I’m not sure. I’ve heard 6 p.m. on May 21, but does that account for time zones? Surely the world doesn’t revolve around Eastern Standard Time. I need to know if I will have time to fit in the rest of my pre-rapture plans. Like should I bother making brunch reservations?

I also think it is our mission to leave a message for posterity for all alien civilizations that might encounter our ravaged planet in the future. They will need to know all the most important things about the cream of our society, namely us. Well, Lambchop has the most adorable feet, and I really hate surprise raisins in food. Not that I inherently dislike raisins, but I do like to know if they are in the cards before I take a bite. Lambchop is also a painter of some renown. Lord knows how many times I have awakened to find her handiwork on my face!

There is so much more to say than even those most important facts. We’ll be broadcasting the entire contents of Vomitola.com into space for the next 10,000 years, assuming of course that Sir Ian McKellen can finish the audio in time. I can’t wait to hear how he interprets the animated GIFs of a nonplussed Bea Arthur.

We’ll also be providing clear explanations as to why God saw fit to smite our world, in simple terms all creatures can understand:

Please, alien bringers of hope, let such mistakes not be repeated. Xenu, forgive us our foolishness.