All posts by Licketysplit

Yesterday in a-w-k-w-a-r-d

Mr. H made the fatal mistake of allowing a checkout clerk into our lives. The insolent whelp commented eagerly on our selection of a pre-made pot pie, and Mr. H allowed that it did, in fact, look good. This led to a tiresome diatribe on the type of pot pie made by the clerk’s mother, and her gravy recipe to boot. His mother’s gravy is quite creamy.

Mmm-hmm, said Mr. H. I cringed as the worm cast an eye towards our pasta sauce. “Wow, only $3.49. Is this any good?”

While waiting for the card approval, the clerk stretched theatrically and asked “Does anyone want to walk on my back to get this knot out?” I decided this would be a great time to make sure the floor was properly tiled.

“You know, I used to have a friend who had his girlfriend walk on his back wearing six-inch pumps,” he persisted.

“Wow, usually you have to pay for that,” I said. The clerk stood there agog, as if I were suddenly the offensive one. Mr. H started snuffling, and we grabbed our bags and ran for it.

Potatoes, not politics

I had something to say, O Best Beloved, but I forgot. Surely the proper procedure is to stop typing, but when I get a notion to type, I can’t help myself. Idle hands take up the devil’s work. It’s either this or knitting the scarf I just can’t finish. I feel like Christo whenever I pick it up.

Have you called your senator to whimper about the Supreme Court yet today? I normally prefer to keep my whimpering to the comfort of my own duvet, but we do what we can. This is a remarkably angst-free January, all serotonin levels, wiretapping, construction projects, and parasites considered. I think I’ve discovered that eating every twelve minutes is the solution to my myriad personal shortcomings. Well, at least I feel better about them. Not saying it actually fixes them. Perhaps it was never existentialism: I just wasn’t eating enough oatmeal. This looks like it could be Dick Cheney’s problem as well. Fiber, mon petit robot.

Inter oves locum praesta, Et ab haedis me sequestra

I’ve had lines from Mozart’s requiem knocking around in my head for the last few days, all sung jovially in the voice of my father. Confutatis maledictis? A mere sunny walk in the park, that man would have us believe. This morning Salon featured a review of a new book about Mozart and mentioned it is the 250th anniversary of Mozart’s death. How could I forget? My father uses 1756 for all possible passwords. It would be his ATM code, if he and my mother trusted ATMs. They feel it is safer to go to the bank and extract large sums of cash every few weeks. Then they conceal these sums of cash around the house to foil any thuggery.

My father used to tell my sister and I stories he made up about Mozart’s life as a child. Instead of the knuckle rapping and poor hygiene that probably went on, his stories involved shenanigans and overturned chicken coops*. Mozart had a friend/nemesis named “Fatsy Patsy Potzengriller.” I will always remember this and no actual facts about Mozart, despite being forced to listen to audio cassettes about the lives of the great composers on car rides. I vaguely remember that Schumann was my favorite subject because he went mad and flung himself into the Rhine. Oh Jesu Christe, anything but Berlioz, please. No follow through!

It’s time for second lunch. Ingemisco tamquam reus.

*It is possible I am actually thinking of Looney Tunes.

Content Challenge already challenging

Sometimes you have good intentions of writing something really funny and relevant, you know, for the first time in your entire life, but it just doesn’t happen. You go to Content Challenge with the army you have, and sometimes that army is in a really bad mood and doesn’t want to make fajitas for dinner. Sure, all the ingredients for fajitas except a few are in the fridge, and an end product of fajitas makes more sense than anything else the army could put together, but the army just doesn’t fucking feel like fucking fajitas, OK?

The army considers defecting and sits down on the floor and covers its face and says “I don’t know what’s wrong with me. I could kill with my bare hands. I am going to just sit here and be very quiet to avoid that.” Then Donald Rumsfeld says “It’s OK, baby, let’s go out.” And then the army sniffles and says “But we’re supposed to be saving moneyyyyyyy.” Donald Rumsfeld sagely reminds the army that the army could get one of those huge dill pickles it likes so much. The army doesn’t defect after all, but it does stay up half the night drinking water on account of the pickle.

A time for consideration, horse sex

Was it wise to start Content Challenge right before a weekend?

No, says Zellweger. Oh no you di’n’t.

Thanks to everyone who’s been clicking on ads. I’d click for you, you bastards. I also click on that dancing monkey to see if I can hit it with a banana. No rilly, so far I’ve been pleasantly surprised with the AdSense payoff. It’s an experiment. I am so pleased that I may make Content Challenge coincide with the return of Anal Sex Month to reward you all. This Editor & Publisher article handily uses the phrase “No. 1 finisher” in a story about lethal horse anal sex. People just cannot get enough horse sex. Horse sex: less scary and appalling than spreading freedom?

Also, I got a quasi-spelled email from the condo mgmt. people about “unclogging the chute” that I could excerpt to comedic effect, but I must retain some shred of privacy.

The following people have foolishly committed to joining Content Challenge:
The Biscuit Report – now with more impeachment!

Moose and Squirrel – writes better than me because she takes the bus

Kimbot – apparently she was gone, and now she’s back

I got nothing, but that never stopped me before.

I think I’ll make January into another Content Challenge. Way to start a week into the month! I’m an army of one, unless someone else wants to get in on this. I remain mildly disturbed yet titillated by all the ads for that new faux snuff film, Hostel. (Nasty stills, if you are so inclined – sort of Abu Ghraib meets Motel Hell). I read that there’s a joke about the political situation in Slovakia in the set up for luring the hapless college slobs to slaughter, but the hapless college slobs seeing the movie are like to miss it. But then I know people who staunchly believe that Czechoslovakia became Chechnya. The US government is probably avidly screening this film now that they don’t torture anyone, no how, no way, no sirree. Pissa!!!!! Just having to think of the government reminds me that the only way I got out of 2005 without a recurrence of major depression was by watching no news but The Daily Show. I like my ridiculous world affairs with built-in eyerolling so I don’t have to strain myself.

Back at my own personal chamber of horrors, Saab conceded that I could install a Subaru part, but they cannot tell me exactly which model would be appropriate. I also received another customer satisfaction survey in the mail. I am torn between peeing on it myself, or mailing them something from the litterbox. I think I’ll keep the logo blanket they sent. I can stretch it over the car to keep the snow out when the glass finally caves. cf. what Laura Ingalls Wilder Would Do.

I also had blood drawn, which I totally love. Wish they’d let me do it myself. The purpose is to see if the parasite has all appropriate chromosomes. Apparently one is supposed to assume one is at the brink of peril throughout one’s parasite hosting career. I noticed later that the receptionist seems to have put the wrong dates on the lab orders, which will likely skew the results. “Hello? You’re having a Johhny Knoxville. Your baby is also unable to locate Chechnya on a map.” Can’t wait for that call.

Hulk smash windshield, if windshield not already broken

Saab call Hulk to say 43 other mutants get new windshield ahead of Hulk. Hulk say “why I pay payment then?” Saab say “ooga booga boo. Thank you for calling. Expect a Customer Satisfaction Survey in the mail in a few days. We depend on your valuable feedback.” Never buy Saab. Hulk think Hulk learned this in highschool when friend’s Saab missing hood for three months. But husband not listen, say Saab different now. Lies, Saab, lies.

Part 2: A quiz

If you were a cat with the personality of a PTSD-stricken ‘Nam vet, would you prefer to:

a) move to a new place and then spend time cowering in the bathroom while a week of construction takes place
b) have your owners pay rent plus mortgage for another month as you continue to bask next to a heat vent in your current abode
c) stay with your in-laws and their one-year-old grandchild during construction – at least there are piles of old magazines to hide behind
d) be smuggled into a hotel in a backpack for a few days or disguised as child with body hair issue

I bet you’ll say B, but yeah, right. Hulk not made of money. Hence site monetized and valuetized. If reading this drivel ever entertains you, please also enjoy/forgive the messages from sponsors. Otherwise, you may ignore them or read other quality internets content. Hulk commodify dumb life in half-assed manner.

Hulk have migraine. Is tumor?

The one about the customer service indignity and my related suffering that goes on in my dumb life here in America with all the paperwork and confusion and general bougie peril

Oh damn if I aint been on the phone all day talking to people who can’t really help me. I saved a boatload by switching car insurance. I didn’t know this was possible in Massachusetts. So I told them we lived in New Hampshire. Apparently it gets cheaper to insure your car if you also insure your secret underground SCUBA lair while you’re at it. At least I am banking on the lair being underwater at some point since I had to get all that flood insurance. I did opt out of earthquake insurance even though we live on a fault line.

The parasite is gumming my lower abdomen. It’s a weird feeling, and I am envisioning one of those aquarium cleaning snails just skulking around in there. Yup, hoover that plankton, sweetie. It seemed to relish it when I yelled at the Saab customer service people for telling me they can’t possibly scare up a new windshield to replace the cracked one. I was told to put in a Subaru windshield. Seems we really got a Subaru with an enamel Liger slapped on it. I did not pick this car, let’s just say. I called the leasing agent to see if this voids the warranty, and yes, it does, but since they haven’t managed to produce a properly branded windshield in the last seven months, we are at an impasse. At least they were nice enough to fudge the last state inspection. I feel very safe, let me tell you. Must be the 4-wheel drive.

Usually I do start with strongly worded somewhat witty letters, but this time it felt right to go straight to screaming “This is unacceptable!”

Today in cats: the cat is scratching something in a fit of pique. At least she finally got off her ass and booked the movers.
Tonight in eating: a casserole dish of melted cheese, seasoned with box of wine

A day late and a dollar short: 2005 by the numbers

Number of separate calendar days where vomiting occurred: 4

Number of times the washer and dryer were correctly delivered: 0
Number of duplicate West Elm catalogs received: 8
Amount of work billed: 3x 2004 billings
Amount actually received in 2005: ahahahahahaha
Number of gallons of non-returnable paint purchased: 9
Number of gallons actually needed: 4
Damn you: Glidden.com paint calculator that Mr. H made me use. I should have trusted my street math.
Weight gained: 6 pounds
Bad haircuts: 1
Dead hard drives: 1
Cracked windshields: 1
Amount the usage of “gift” as a verb annoyed me: immeasurable
Impulse real estate purchases: 1
Parasite infestations: 1
Albums purchased from iTunes Music Store: only 15!
Countries visited: France, illness Spain, click Baltimore
Existentialism: medium
Swearing: damn, a damn lot

**2006 Bonus Preview:**
Boxes of wine purchased: 1
Washers and dryers correctly delivered: 0
Boston terriers who live at my new hovel: 1
This is boring me: 72%

I’d like to build a value chain, in perfect harmony

Bitches, this is the year I need to monetize all my channels. Because other bitches straight up do not pay on time, even bitches that are normally totally good for it because they have, I don’t know, comptrollers or CFOs or whatever. I do not know what the problem is. Everyone must be off making New Year’s Resolutions like “get organized!!!!” on little Post-It scraps. Mine is “I will bury you.” I had to cancel all charitable giving, and a guy is going to repossess my floors and key my car if you all don’t pay by the end of the month. So watch out, Big Content. I am going to “blog” every day, and I am going to put ads all over the place. You will like it. There will be mention of gumjobs. I might even start spellchecking for you.

All the folks in my life are mystified because Mr. H and I do not exchange Christmas presents. These are the same folks who will go on to ask me “Is he/she a good baby? Does he/she sleep?” And then I’ll have to say “Naw, he/she is a total douche bag of a baby.” I answered the “what did you get for Christmas” question by staring blankly. Sometimes I would grudgingly say “…a house? impregnated?” People. Honestly. We have no money, like orphans! Mr H. had to give the guy at Home Depot a reacharound in exchange for a laser level. I guess his Christmas present was when I explained what a “rusty trumpet” was. Don’t say I never told you nothing.