You all have such strong Lohan reactions. Aren’t you glad I decided to watch the Lohan True Hollywood Story yesterday? I was going to watch Loretta Lynn’s Haunted Plantation on the Travel Channel, but Mr. H decided that would be boring and took the remote away. Christ. As if he knows from boring. Later he [...]
Yeah, bitches. Today I tied my pregnant lady friend to the car and drove real slow. Apparently jogging makes babies come out. Will this work? We aren’t sure yet. We also fed the baby Mexican food. I hear this gets babies really mad. They want to come out just to kick your ass because they [...]
My waking life is much more satisfying than my dream life. But this might only be due to the poor quality of my dreams lately. Last night I dreamed about eating a bowl of cereal. This took about a million years. It was Grape Nuts! I don’t even eat cereal. So tedious. Take a bite, [...]
Oh mercy and muskrat love. I am nearly at the finish line in my race to wear the same pair of shoes every day this summer. Of course I count summer as June 1 to August 31. Meteorological summer. Hey, at least I’m wearing shoes at all. I’ve got God talking to me again, and [...]
Earlier today, the Sally Hershberger of Lowell transformed my hair into some garish assortment of stripes. I think I hate it, but I’m not sure. It’s OK. I can’t have nice things. Sally’s young daughter is jailed in the salon for the summer, and she sat at the reception desk computer looking up breeds of [...]
Well, how did that make you feel? I didn’t like it. It made me cry. Is there anything we can do to avoid this situation in the future? I guess. I just keep telling myself it’s not about me. What about everyone else? Everyone is his own worst problem. Should Brenda have that retard baby [...]
Happy St. Declan’s day! What did you buy me? We have come to a difference of opinion, ’round the Vomitola household. Mr. H thinks I am simply not funny. While I regard the concept of stalking myself as comedy gold, his first thought was that he was worried that I actually do this around the [...]
And….I got nothin’. Sure I’ve got the sif, but what did the sif ever do for me? I’ve got an email promising me a $450k home loan and a penis large enough to whack a whiffle ball. Oh, and I have a private plane. I hear you don’t. Share:
It occurred to me that I refuse to actually achieve anything in my life because I still consider fame a viable career option. One of these days, I’m going to get swept up in the current and deposited on Oprah. I swear. Certainly, this would be more difficult if I had the entanglements of a [...]
