All posts by Licketysplit

So where were the spiders

Yesterday, Mr. H said “I dreamed we had a little boy too.”

“That’s nice,” I said. “I dreamed I had a calzone.”

Each concept is equally ludicrous. No cheese and no more seibab!

I’ve been cleaning up the house, and I noticed there are spiderwebs all over the rafters. Perfectly architected Halloween spirals. But no actual spiders are present. This is infinitely more creepy than the few months I spent living with Shower Spider in my old apartment. Each time I’d get in the shower, I’d say something to the effect of “Please don’t drop on my head while my eyes are closed, and I’ll let you live.” We respected each other. Shower Spider would never eat cheese in front of me when I can’t have any. AHEM. But absentee spiders? Who the hell knows? They could be forming a giant pyramid on top of the headboard while I’m asleep, for all I know. They could be blinking in Morse code to say I look fat! Stick with the devil you know. Hypotheticals and invisibles are terrifying.

Let’s draw the line at genocide

Saw that on the news last night in a story about Fidelity’s dealings with oil companies meddling in the Sudan. Fidelity says they have a legal responsibility to provide the highest returns to consumers, therefore they won’t rethink their choices. The reporter asked “So Fidelity is not willing to draw the line at genocide?” What a novel policy. A little mutiliation and oppression would be fine, Fidelity, as business is business, but draw that line!

Yesterday a ybab played a fun game called “Let’s cry all day.” Yes, let’s. Of course she settled right down as soon as her father came home, and her fever and general malaise finished by the time the doctor charged us $30 to say “Fluid in the ears, no infection. Teething.” Which I knew, but wouldn’t I be a jerk if I were wrong? On the way back, we saw dogs, so I guess that wasn’t a total waste of a leaving of the house.

I’ve been meaning to write about NBC’s segment on cocktail playdates last week. A blogger  got totally sandbagged by a stern robot of an expert, who asserted that women must never, ever drink in the presence of a child, and anyone who has even one drink has Issues and needs to learn a Healthy Way of Coping. I couldn’t write about this at the time I watched the segment, because it was 8 AM, and I was already drunk, and so were all my friends. Don’t you put Kahlua and whiskey in your coffee*? Now, we have been known to have a glass of wine with dinner because we don’t like coping. We do like wine, though. But, to the blogger’s point, there is a man around to keep me in line. Unforunately, that man is Mr. H, who has never actually managed to do this.

Meredith Viera had her “disapproving mother hen” face on throughout the segment. Perhaps she should go back to The View, where she and Barbara Walters and Rosie O’Donnell and that pretty-but-dumb little one can talk about being disgusted by breastfeeding instead. Rosie O’Donnell apparently didn’t let her partner breastfeed their baby past six weeks because she didn’t want to miss out on bonding too. Well, I have news for you: a ybab prefers the perfectly teat-less Mr. H at least 90% of the time. As a society, we’re OK with genocide, as long as it’s profitable, but titties, man, titties. Those are really scary. Especially when attached to drunk women. They are like twin frozen margarita machines, right there on the chest, where people can see them!

*This reminds me of one particularly awful job I had. My office wife and I would go hit Bruegger’s every morning for coffee and a bagel, and then we would nip into the liquor store next door for, well, nips to add to the coffee. And thus renewed, we would go back to our sublet lair in an unheated church basement, clap our leg irons back on, and enable the purchase of cut-rate vacation packages. You know, make the internet happen. But we drew the line at genocide!

If it quacks like hydrogenated oil, then it must be an Oreo

Recently I found out that Oreos are dairy-free. Who knew eating vegan could be so bad for you?

I am covered in fibers from my new hemp shopping totes. That I used to carry home pure poison.

Oh, that smear on the floor is avocado. Glad I finally figured that one out. I might get around to cleaning it up in another few days. I have to clean up because IKEA is coming to leave us 379 boxes of screws and some pieces of MDF. This time, I am not going to follow their instructions. I am going to build a small replica of the Guggenheim Bilbao instead. Directions are for chumps! And Mr. H, who will really put together the IKEA. I will stand there and say “Are you sure that doesn’t go there…are you SURE?” until he backhands me and takes my shoes and sends me to the kitchen.

But that’s OK, because there are Oreos in there.

State of my union

Mr. H and I had an amicable disgreement over the number of Spice Girls. I came up with four, and he said five or more, maybe six. I really searched and came up with “Baby Spice, Scary Spice, Sporty Spice, Posh Spice, and maybe Brainy Spice?” He had to look it up. I forgot Ginger Spice. How could this happen? I saw Spice World in the theater. Possibly twice.

And so life returns to balance. But Mr. H still hasn’t come up with a good reason as to why he is not Jude Law.

The more I ignore me

Yesterday my lunch resigned from my stomach on short notice. As I was hunkered on the floor, a caustic freshet of broccoli dill soup shooting from both my mouth and nose, I realized it was the fourth anniversary of Vomitola.com! Actually, I realized that this morning. And the anniversary is really last Monday. No, head in bowl, I thought “Heather would know just what to play!” That’s a compliment. Once I threw up during a college radio shift, and while I was off horking up my tacos, she played “The Choke” by Skinny Puppy. Oh, nobody knows the trouble I’ve seen…nobody knows but boddddyyy.

I also realized that I haven’t thrown up in seven months and two days. Say, that’s the exact age of a ybab. Say. I threw up ON her on the most auspicious day of her birth. Should I put that in the memory book? Of course I’m going to. Where is the memory book, anyway? Mr. H has not thrown up in the entire six or seven years that I’ve known him. His take on the situation? “I’d rather crap.” Well, wouldn’t we all. Wouldn’t we all!

A priest, a rabbi, and a parenting expert were crossing a river in a rowboat…

I accidentally watched thirty seconds of the local FOX affiliate’s morning show last week. Why was the TV left on FOX at all? Cops, duh. Anyway, a self-proclaimed parenting expert was talking about “infant discipline.” I picked up my coffee and prepared to be infuriated.

But the lady had a point! She said that I shouldn’t be picking up my ybab every time my ybab cries because this will teach her that I will pick her up every time she cries. I pondered this, thinking that surely there will be some time when I’ll need to pick her up. What if she is being partially eaten by crocodiles? But I realized that I would have to stand my ground. If I pick her up every time she’s being eaten by crocodiles, she’s just going to expect me to pick her up every time she’s being eaten by crocodiles. Shouldn’t she be learning to self-soothe if she’s being eaten by crocodiles? She should also be able to sleep through being eaten by crocodiles, for at least twelve hours in a row.

I still haven’t gotten around to writing the nasty letter I planned to write. I have been too busy picking up my ybab, but only when she is not being eaten by crocodiles.

Oh, to finish the joke, the parenting expert fell in the river, and the priest and the rabbi beat her senseless with a paddle. She died.

Jack Bauer sleeps with a pillow under his gun

Phew, ailment I almost forgot. This concludes Jack Bauer week. Yesterday was all bokka bokka what? As all the days are, really. Someone threw up on my back, and lunch was had, and I was told a disgusting fact. The Main Idea of this fact was “large nipples, small penis.” Does Jack Bauer have problems like that? Perhaps his nipples are enlarged because he straps them to a car battery for ten minutes each morning as part of his toilette.

Jack Bauer doesn’t recycle, and he doesn’t even feel bad about it

So the word on the street is that no one likes Jack Bauer. Tell me about it. I don’t like it any more than you men. I don’t even watch 24. My ex-almost-brother-in-law, an actual crackhead, found it too hard to follow. I can eat fifty eggs. You don’t want to see what the inside of my head looks like. It’s like that Mucinex commercial, except with movie quotes hanging down like streamers. Oh, there’s one on my shoe.

A planet must be doing a thing. Quelle mysterioso. Will I finally roll over that 401(k) from 2001? That requires getting a signature from someone who ought to be in jail. I think that’s been the sticking point. Will I stop silently judging people at the grocery store? Only if I start judging them out loud instead.

Tune in tomorrow to find out how fat Jack Bauer’s mama was. Well, I will just tell you now to save you the trip. She was so fat that he had to starve her for three months in a crawl space.

Jack Bauer once double-teamed a chick all by himself

I am finally halfway through reading the October issue of Vogue. I’ve found out about outfits that are already out of style and movies that are already out of the theater. Very useful. Where’s the beef? Not in Vogue, of course.

In other TCB news, I am halfway finished collecting the annual bucket of refuse to take to the accountant. It seems we’ve paid enough in medical expenses and usury mortgage interest to buy a Lincoln Navigator. Well, more than a Yaris or two at least. How very, very exciting. I even paid my quarterly taxes like a good Beta, and I have the faint hope that we might get a refund. After all, a ybab is a terrible drain on our finances what with her daytrading habit. I keep telling her to hang on to Home Depot, but she doesn’t listen.