Oh, hi! I didn’t see you come in. That’s because I can’t turn my head to the right. You don’t want to know. Soon, you may find yourself entertained by a famous guest columnist. Do not be alarmed! I can scarcely form a thought, and that was even before I ate frozen blueberries soaked in booze last night. I’ll be on a holiday as well, and Mr. H and I have specifically picked a place with no internet access. That’s right! Such places exist. If we cave mid-way through our vacances, we will have to swim over to a giant floating Starbucks and pay $8 a second. But I doubt we will, because that water is motherloving cold.
All posts by Licketysplit
919: Sponsored by the letters L, O, and L again
This post graciously underwritten by Impact, the official font of LOL, and ADM, supermarket to the world.
Why can’t my cat read? I am heartbroken.
No, really. My heart. It iz broken.
918: When you care enough to click confirm
I can’t live in the present, and in the future the sun is so hot that we have to wear Oakley sunglasses as soon as we step outside, so I am taking a trip to two months ago. Two months ago was not noticeably better than now, except it’s over, and I don’t have to do it again. That is a plus.
I really phoned in “Hippos Go Berserk” just now. I will add $5 to ybab’s therapy jar.
I’ll be taking requests for the next 82 posts before the doors clang shut forever!
917: Dine in affordable chic
I got an email imploring me to do just that. They must mean continue doing exactly what I am doing: eating a bagel while not wearing pants while ybab scavenges for sesame seeds. I can afford this! And certainly it is chic. I am sure celebrities do this all the time, when they aren’t busy doing other things that they also do.
I get many more emails than just advertisements from Worst Elm. The mind boggles. People feel I should do work at a schedule of their own choosing. Other people feel the need to be unreasonable about things pertaining to my personal life. Hi! Hi! I am going on an email boycott soon. I am going to print out each email I receive and shred it. This is the greatest idea since individually wrapped cheese slices. The alternative is to start telling people off, but that is the equivalent of eating a giant block of chocolate. It feels good at the time, but then things start to chafe. The Chafing of the Consequences. This is a national tragedy.
916: Thou shalt
Not post to one’s personal internet homepage while under the influence of existentialism.
915: Add your voice to the sound of the crowd
I am thinking of switching this site over to Whereisyournose.com. Where is it??? Where’s your nose? Oh, not sure? Well, let’s find my nose first. No? Still no nose? We may need to consult Science on this one. Science holds the cure for fun. Write your own Michael Jackson joke at this point.
Oh, where was I? I am not an animal! Stop poking me. Stop it. What is wrong with you? Why are you pinching me? If you want this piece of pasta, you will stop pinching me. I mean it. Pasta! Look, a bird. That is a bird. Where is the picture of a cat?
I have to go drop off a check for my life insurance tomorrow. What are the odds that I will be hit by a large truck on the way to do this? I have never been more scared in my life. This is more terrifying than being three blocks from home after an exotic vacation. What do you mean, a window a/c fell and crushed her? You sure it wasn’t some rare fever? Leeches? No? Stop pinching me.
914:Spacebar(Ineed a new)
It’s about time I had fans with deep pockets, fans who can shower mewith gifts.The time is now, fans. Thanks for sticking with me until I needed you.I’m sure you feltperipheralattimes. But that is no tthe case.The universefunctions in strange ways. The strangest. Myspacebar doesn’t work quite as it should. This is incredibly distressing to me.As ifthis time ofyearis not distressing enough. Oh, I should have bought Apple care.Wait, I did buyApple care. And there is a funny story about Apple.Lastweek Mr. H said we should buy Apple stockbecause it isabout to split or something, and Isaid “howmuch no money are we talking,” and hesaidit cost something like$80 a share.And I looked, and itwasa lot morethan that. Iwonder where he got$80? But I bought it anyway because I like making impulsedecisions. This has servedme wellin all areas of life ornot. And then I noticed just yesterdaythat I have a strange new freckle with irregular borders, soIreally hopethe stock splits because I am going to need massive surgery soon. I’d do it myself, but after the homemade botox, I wasput on notice. The homemade botoxisstill good on toast, at least.
Ah, yes.This machine has evenbeen to the Apple spaonce already. But I am sure that this next process of recuperation isabout to become tedious, with an 800 number orfillingout a form. I donot dotedious.I banned tedious at the end of the winter term. I will keepon posting, even if you can’t understand me, at leastuntil I reach 1000 posts. With or without youuuuuu. W cn rd thngs wth n vwls, s why nt n spcs?What if I made this reallyhard and switched tosome other language I know? Like javascript. That’s not a language. Or is it? Damn it.Ihave a thing to do, sorry. And Idon’t remember any javascript anyway.I amblessed.
913: they see me rollin’
Someone is big. Someone walks around holding one finger of my hand. Someone waves haughtily like a figurehead of the monarchy as we stroll downtown. Someone claps at the end of “Goodnight Moon” and when the waitress brings the chopsticks.
We haven’t yet tried this, probably because I like to believe in the illusion of the human soul. That link is so several days ago anyway. I have been too busy breathing into a paper bag to tell you things.
The 912 Commission
Hey, I had 911 posts. This domain expires in July. Should I push the stupid pedal to the metal and flame out with 1000? I think I can do it.
Let’s talk about Lost. I know some of you haven’t watched the finale yet or are waiting for the deeveedee, like peasants. I will only say that all the people who are speculating about the identity of the person in the newspaper clipping are morons. If the show runs until 2010, what are thee odds that they will introduce new characters in the next two or three seasons? Oh, I dunno. Let’s leave the numbers to Vegas. Plus I found the screen cap, squinted really hard, and the last name fragment doesn’t match the last name of any known characters. At least not according to the listing on alt.nerd.obsessive.
And I don’t even LIKE Lost. But I was entertained by the finale. I like how that show continually throws me a bone and lets me observe really obvious things and thus feel smart. I am not smart. I’m happily watching network television while eating all manner of snacks, so right there we have a basic tip off about my intelligence level. I didn’t watch most of the last season because I work from ybab bedtime until hell freezes over every night. And last night I did not have any snacks while I watched, but I thought about snacks, and I wished I had some snacks, and I almost got up and went all the way over the kitchen to get some, but snacks are too loud and wake up ybabs. At least in this house. No walls and all. Typing wakes a ybab, for that matter. I am living on borrowed time over here.
Twitty
I had pie for dinner.