Tag Archives: ybab

Ch-ch-ch-changes

Uncategorized, ,

Today ybab celebrates eleven months of mostly breathing. She made a valiant attempt to chew up my British Airways Illuminati Perks membership card. That sucks! Without it, I can’t go up to the cockpit and sit on the captain’s lap while being misted with water extracted from volcanic springs with a crystal eyedropper. Did you know the co-pilot is actually a donkey? Little known fact about BA. That card also ensures that I receive an i.v. drip of caviar and crissy. Makes any flight more tolerable.

In other news, we have decided to move back to civilization a-sap. I am preparing to lose a squillion dollars on the ol’ IBG. That assumes that someone wants to buy it at all. Perhaps no one wants to buy it. This would be a reasonable decision on no one’s part. I eagerly await throwing out the rest of everything I own that I haven’t managed to sell on eBay and beating a path back to Brookline or even thickly settled Somerville. Maybe we will nest in the rafters of the Ted Williams tunnel, dropping down on unsuspecting motorists and gleefully exsanguinating them. This is how legends are born.

Smother’s day

Uncategorized, , ,

I have recently been made aware of a concept in the America called “Smother’s Day.” A television ad told me about it, and then another and another. If I am to correctly understand, a Smother is something like a Smore, but not an actual brand of jelly. That’s Smuckers, and they are happy people live to be one hundred despite eating high fructose corn syrup solids. So in the midst of all that jubilation about the dinosaur birthdays, a ybab decided to start pointing at things. “Dat?” Well, honey, that’s Matt Lauer. “Dat?” Oh, put me on the jeezly spot, why don’t you? Some things just can’t be explained. Maybe when you’re two.

And back to this Smother’s Day deal: I hear it’s a magical day, where the cat box cleans itself, and ybab will wipe her own butt for 24 entire hours. I hear that I might get a gold pendant of some sort, possibly with the “#1” designation. And I won’t even have to put out to get this jewelry. Who wants to put out when you have a ybab already? Fool me twice, I don’t think so!

Do I smell natural gas? That would just figure if my house blew up. Last year on Smother’s Day, it flooded. Haha! As you might imagine, I am jittery about this one. Pee to the Tee to the Ess to the D. I am celebrating by not purchasing gifts for any relatives who have been blighted by offspring. Mr. H is of course free to purchase gifts in my stead, but he won’t, because he’s Mr. H. Is he even reading this? I have set a bear trap just now. Who else has found my blog? You? Great. Leave a comment plz.

OK, so if not a pendant, I hope to get a mug. Or a beer hat, but insulated for coffee. It should attest to my prowess at keeping ybab alive. She takes a lickin’ and keeps on tickin’, luckily. This morning I removed her from eating cat kibble, and she rewarded me with a boilermaker to the head. Is that a type of punch? A hay bailer maybe? If those aren’t types of punches, they should be. She fights dirty.

Over the hump in Pahrump

Uncategorized, , ,

Do you ever think it’s weird that other cities are allowed to have their own TV news? That’s just not right. We only have news in my city. I don’t care what happens in Pahrump, although it’s usually snowing. What was I doing watching TV in Las Vegas anyway?

On Friday, the chupacabra took the day off to prepare for finals, so I had to watch my own ybab. The hell? That implies that I don’t normally watch her. Ha. I wish! Normally, I sit there and “work” while she hangs upside down from the rafters above my head. The chupacabra is close at hand, and she does a wonderful job of trying to divert ybab by shaking some boiled bones or something, but ybab mainly prefers me. Foolish ybab. The chupacabra has a degree in early childhood education. I have a degree in lying. I wouldn’t hire me to watch a ybab. Anyway, we tired of menacing neighborhood dogs, so we steamed open some mail that didn’t belong to us and applied for credit cards. We could have just opened the mail, but since ybab snorts steam naturally, it seemed like the thing to do. If only we had some unwanted wallpaper.

At least watching my own ybab was free that day. Normally the chupacabra exacts a demanding price for not really watching ybab. Next thing you know, the chupacabra will want a four oh onek.

In case you wondered

Uncategorized, ,

This being a blog, I am sworn to tell you that I slept much better last night. I am still parked in my parking spot. I ate more raisin bread.

I slept so much better because I don’t have a ybab anymore. Last night around bedtime she sprouted leathery wings, scrawwwwwked a horrible scrawwwwwk, and flapped up to a nearby bell tower. While perched in the belfry, she snatched an unlucky river hawk and ripped it to shreds with her fangs until she was caked with blood and feathers. I called the chupacabra who lives in the “medieval prison” section of the park, and he managed to get leg irons on her and drag her away, still spitting and hissing. I am not sure what happened after that, but I don’t much care either.

***

Ah, how strange, I just heard a knocking outside, rapping on my chamber door and all, and she’s back. She points at everything and calls it a cat most authoritatively. Her tail has fallen off, leaving an unusually long butt crack. I wonder what this can all mean?

Witty and relevant

Uncategorized, , ,

I got two hours of sleep last night! Hi! Someone is installing multiple tooth-boulders at once. Someone’s tract does not agree. Kick and bite and scratch and pinch. Scream all you want, we’ll make more. Someone is a monster, an alien dropped from the planet Kill You. Tonight I will break out that bottle of laudanum. For me.

And that’s how it goes around here. Torment interspersed with rapid innovation. We climb. We eat raisin bread. We still love dogs. I got a noise cancelling Bluetooth headset, and unfortunately I can still hear the person on the other end of the phone. Hello, hello, we have FEEDBACK. Let’s REACH OUT. And TOUCH BASE.

I have no real problems, but let’s try complaining anyway. This being a blog. I am parked in the parking spot. I eat lunch. A percolating case of PTSD, sure, we’ve got that. I got into an e-fight about whether or not c-sections are traumatic. No, surgery while wide awake when you really don’t want it is AWESOME. That is my FEEDBACK. AWESOME. Let’s DO IT AGAIN. Or not. Let’s just try to stop having nightmares about it. Let’s stop sitting down in the shower and wanting to cry. Not that we get to take many showers these days, what with the ceaseless innovation and refusal to sit in the damn bouncy chair. No. We have to go spelunking in the toilet. On belay.

It was a beautiful day outside

Uncategorized,

I no longer care about the grapes on the plate, site and when I returned from “work,” Mr. H was carrying our joint asset down the hall to meet me. A big girl in new shorts was very happy to see me. Little arms! Reaching!

And later we all went for a walk, and it was still so nice out, and everyone is basically on E….oh what a beautiful dog! Screech! Hi! Look at that dog! Pet that dog! Oh what a beautiful ybab! Look at your ybab! No, your dog is still more beautiful! Oh, how kind of you to say! Tickle that ybab! God bless you! Have a nice night! Huuuuuggggggs.

You’ll never work in this town again

Uncategorized,

Mine N-font disgraceth me on a conference call. Apparently, “I can start next week,” translates to “The next week after I go on a cruise” in nanny. Enough said. I should have hired an actual goat. I suspect the individual in question may be crazy anyway. Really, so am I, so I shouldn’t hold it against her. But man, I am crazy for free! I am not crazy for an exorbitant hourly rate. OK, maybe I am. No, I say things like “heuristics.” What’s that? The next bus to hell pulls out in an hour? One moment, I have to stop someone from eating catfood.

Yesterday: a result of science?

Uncategorized, , ,

Yesterday I almost got run down by a Volvo in the Whole Foods parking lot. I jumped aside just in time, and a Volkswagen pounced and ate the Volvo. Now that’s natural selection. Inside Whole Foods, a child was enraged that only brown eggs were left for purchase. She was dubious on the possibility of them actually taking dye. Her mother berated a teenage employee for the egg situation. He failed to conjure white eggs out of thin air, and the mother failed to take responsibility for waiting until the last possible minute to buy eggs to dye.

I was enraged because I saw some cookies that looked good, and the allergy warning only included nuts and wheat. But then the third ingredient was butter. I wanted cookies! I did not berate anyone, but I should have.

This morning, my little piglet awoke at three ayem. She did not opt to capitulate until well past five ayem. At this time, the Director of Software got a call from his boss to say that He is risen, but the servers are down. Fine. We are all risen at five ayem. We give up and let the small beastie sit in a pile of puffed rice cereal watching Sponge Bob while we lie on the floor moaning.

Something whiny this way comes

Uncategorized, ,

The other day my miniature sidekick celebrated nine months of not sleeping! No, she sleeps far better than I do. Honestly. I can’t sleep through the night. Someone should really make me cry it out*. Or spank me to sleep**.

She only cries when she sees her relatives, and the other day when some lady in the grocery store looked at her. I should have thought of that years ago! No looking at me now. Don’t make me do it. I’m talking to you, ugly head. Go back over by the frozen shrimp where you belong.

Best of all, she has learned to flip her lip with her finger and make the noise “A-bee-ba-dee-ba-dee.” The MacArthur Foundation has not stopped hounding us.

Anyway, last weekend I ran an ultramarathon (this is a lie), and I’m thinking I’m getting kind of bored with those. I could do another triathlon, but that would mean doing even one triathlon first to justify the use of the word “another.” Maybe I will finish that seven foot scarf in my knitting bag instead.

*personal parenting pet peeve; this is sarcasm.
**is this dirty?

My girl is the queen of the savages

Uncategorized, , , , ,

I bought a lovely pair of ballet flats in early 2005 and promptly ruined them two months later. When we toured the construction progress on our Indian Burial Ground, the ground was a bit marshy, and one shoe got sucked entirely off my foot. Foolish me, thinking a hard hat paired well with kicky flats. Where are Stacy and Clinton when I dress myself each day? They might have put the kibosh on the three shirts plus Nanook boots and rubber gloves joint from the other day. What can I say? I am always cold.

I found out that I have a vata problem. I used to be a nice corn-fed pitta with the moon eyes of a kapha, but now I am cold and crackly and speedy and have trouble falling asleep. I forget as quickly as I learn. And don’t get me started on how hard it is to be an Alpha. At least I am not infested with imaginary bugs, like my poor father.

Losing my slipper was only fitting though, since sucking and my real estate forays go hand-in-hand, hoof-and-mouth. I tried to sponge the mud off, but it didn’t really work. So I left the shoes in the back of my closet for two years. Duh.

Yesterday, I cleaned and polished them, and whaddya know, instant Spring! I also added up all our debt before I did this. All of it. I wrote it on a big piece of paper and stuck it on the fridge. Shame works wonders. I love to be shamed, don’t you? I’m your secretary. In summation, we owe every cent we take in before the end of the year to that piece of paper on the fridge. No, I can’t have new shoes. I am putting tiny human diminutive former primate to work on making me some, though. She is handy with an awl. She climbs the couch like a little ape and hangs upside down from my chest. One day I will give her power of attorney, and she will have to make decisions about my welfare. Until then, we Make Do and Improve.