Tag Archives: travel tips

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I went to the airport, and it turns out you have to have a ticket to be groped! Pay for play unfair! What if I just want to be sure I am not a threat to myself in my own home or car? Who will think of the children? And grope them.

If you’re going to be gadding about in a metal bird of death this holiday season, or if you’re going anywhere near North Korea, you’d be wise to study Kitty Winn’s victim tribute photo tips. To add a touch of modernity to Kitty’s sage advice, I suggest uploading a few flattering shots at print resolution and making them into a Facebook album called “OK to use in the event of my exotic death.” Some people just can’t see the forest for the trees.

Now go forth and conquer! My flan is done. Let it be known.

La Vita è Bella

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Norepinephrine, where have you been all my life? YOU are my new favorite neurotransmitter. You are cashmere socks and lollipops, whiskers on kittens and radishes cut like rosebuds, toe separators and expertly placed highlights. You are like that dream I had the other night, the one where I ordered “Canadian” Xanax from an internet pharmacy. When it arrived, it looked like Viagra and baby aspirin, but I took it anyway and spent the rest of the dream riding an old-fashioned velocipede around a tropical city, stoned out of my gourd. I even thought “I wish Lambchop could be in this dream!”

In preparation for flying this weekend, I would like to share my Top Tips for Travel with our dear readers.

1. BYOB

2. Wear a sleep shade, ideally as soon as you get into the airport. There are ugly people allowed in those things!

3. If a child is annoying you, take it aside and kindly explain that you will flush it down the toilet, where it will immediately freeze solid as soon as it hits the outside air, followed by a 30,000 foot plummet into someone’s rumpus room.

4. Stockpile your “Canadian” Xanax. I’d reserve this for long-haul flights.

5. Load up your iPod with the soothing sounds of meditation exercises. “I will devastate my enemies….I am adored as a God….I let you live….”

6. Freestyle. This part is really up to you. Whether it’s twitching, pacing, or screaming, you want to make this flight a memorable experience for the other passengers. They are counting on you!

Coming soon: My list of Things I did not like about 2004. Yup, just phoning it in. Go to hell, I still have to assemble gift baskets for people I don’t like.