Jack Bauer doesn’t recycle, and he doesn’t even feel bad about it

So the word on the street is that no one likes Jack Bauer. Tell me about it. I don’t like it any more than you men. I don’t even watch 24. My ex-almost-brother-in-law, an actual crackhead, found it too hard to follow. I can eat fifty eggs. You don’t want to see what the inside of my head looks like. It’s like that Mucinex commercial, except with movie quotes hanging down like streamers. Oh, there’s one on my shoe.

A planet must be doing a thing. Quelle mysterioso. Will I finally roll over that 401(k) from 2001? That requires getting a signature from someone who ought to be in jail. I think that’s been the sticking point. Will I stop silently judging people at the grocery store? Only if I start judging them out loud instead.

Tune in tomorrow to find out how fat Jack Bauer’s mama was. Well, I will just tell you now to save you the trip. She was so fat that he had to starve her for three months in a crawl space.

8 responses to “Jack Bauer doesn’t recycle, and he doesn’t even feel bad about it”

  1. I might or might not like Jack Bauer if I knew who he is. But since I don’t know who he is, I will dislike him on principle.

  2. To catch you up, he is Eddie Bauer’s deformed younger brother. He was raised in a closet most of his life, which led to adjustment issues. He really doesn’t like terrorists.

  3. Jack Bauer makes the tough calls but he can’t eat fifty eggs. Only Jesus, and Jesus-analogues can eat fifty eggs.

  4. I’ve been unemployed for three months and have accomplished one thing: I believe I have seen every CSI Miami, although not in chronological order.

    I don’t know how many eggs Horatio Caine can eat, but whatever the number they are eaten with sunglasses on.

    Everything is so colorful and sunny and even the nastiest criminals are slender and well dressed.

    And EVERYONE in Miami drives an expensive car.

    I think I may have to move.

  5. I am going to Miami in a few weeks. If you have a message for any of the tattoo artists from “Miami Ink” let me know and I will have it tattooed on my ass. DEAR AMI JAMES I THINK YOU ARE A JERK TO YOUR STAFF.

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