Tag Archives: russian dentist

I buy myself a little time

Cat with a picture of a cat

It’s cat picture Monday! Piping hot 5-year-old content! But that cat doesn’t look a day over 9 now, so I think she’s holding her own. We do not still have a framed photo of a cat. We don’t even have framed photos of a child. That framing things ship sailed years ago.

It has just come to my attention that it is No!vember, and thus I spent a few contemplative hours under a pile of pillows, trying to replicate that most soothing of feelings: lead apron at the dentist. Every six months, I try to con them out of one, but they won’t fall for it. “Say, this one is looking rather frayed at the hem. Are you sure you aren’t planning to get a new one?”  I can see why they might not jump at the chance. The damn things are over $300! I tried bargaining, “Oh, sure, I’ll come in for a teeth bleaching, if you let me use the apron.”

“But you don’t need it.”

“Yes, I do!”

This might be my idea of heaven: lying there in a tanning bed, wearing a lead apron, while someone rubs my feet. All sensory experiences met! But I am too pale and pre-cancerous to tan, and we can’t have nice things. And I don’t have feet so much as hooves.

But really, sanity and I had a good run if I made it to mid-No!vember without crippling anxiety. You are on your own for the rest of the month. If you think I’m making pumpkin flan for anyone, well, I probably am. I can’t deny anyone the glory of flan. I will rise from my very deathbed for flan.

I could feel at the time there was no way of knowing

Well freaking well, internet. It’s April already! You may recall that last year around this time, I was seized with a bout of experimentation in home anti-aging breakthroughs. That didn’t go so well, and I still have a little scar.

This year, however, I’ve had great success with cosmetic dentistry. I went to the dentist today, and he complimented my teeth. I’d never seen this dentist before, but I soon took to him, falling asleep as his bear-like Russian hands cupped my jaw. Such a gentle brute. When I awoke, he had filed down my front teeth. At first I was all “Hey, isn’t this a little Charles Dickens?” But then I took a second look, and I must admit the effect is pleasing. “There,” he said. “ocharovatel’naya, charuyuschaya ulybka” And I had to agree. Damn.

Now I’m wearing 2 layers of Crest Whitestrips. I accidentally swallowed one, but I think I’ll be fine. The things I do for beauty.