Well freaking well, internet. It’s April already! You may recall that last year around this time, I was seized with a bout of experimentation in home anti-aging breakthroughs. That didn’t go so well, and I still have a little scar.

This year, however, I’ve had great success with cosmetic dentistry. I went to the dentist today, and he complimented my teeth. I’d never seen this dentist before, but I soon took to him, falling asleep as his bear-like Russian hands cupped my jaw. Such a gentle brute. When I awoke, he had filed down my front teeth. At first I was all “Hey, isn’t this a little Charles Dickens?” But then I took a second look, and I must admit the effect is pleasing. “There,” he said. “ocharovatel’naya, charuyuschaya ulybka” And I had to agree. Damn.

Now I’m wearing 2 layers of Crest Whitestrips. I accidentally swallowed one, but I think I’ll be fine. The things I do for beauty.