Tag Archives: Ask Steve Strange

Healthy Competition

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Dear Steve Strange,

I have recently lost weight due to some heartbreak, but it really seems to be staying off. When the numbers on the scale started to drop, I anticipated all sorts of happiness. But all I got is that my clothes fit me rather unflatteringly. I am afraid to buy new things for a svelte new me, afraid this is just setting myself up for failure. Where is all the joy I was promised if I would Just. Be. Thin.

love,
Sad in a Sack

Well, helloooo there, Sack, I know you were expecting Steve, but I really think he could use a break, don’t you? The man is looking positively haggard. The bags under his eyes remind me of Canal St. Vuittons. No, Coach. I believe this is where the guttersnipes of today say “Snaps.” Or some other spot of nonsense.

Let’s talk about me, since I am already before you, commanding attention, shirtless, taut and iconic. I like to change my look quite a bit, and I will be the first tell you the answer to “when?” is never! Nothing will ever be good enough, so you might as well enjoy your journey. That’s the point of this little teacup ride, right? Have you considered plastic surgery? You get painkillers with that. The room does spin a bit faster post-op.

So what does it really matter: eat up, or not; actually, I never eat. Eating demeans us all. In these times where even I have had to cut back on my sartorial allowance (I have dispensed with shirts in order to remain abreast of trends in fur), you might consider tailoring, and be sure to advise the tailor that you predictably plan to become fat again at some point so he can leave a seam allowance.

Now cheer up, and put down that sandwich!

Every Day is Halloween

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Trick or Treat with Steve Strange

Battle kittens, we went trick or treating with Steve Strange. Look, that’s yours truly with the little mustache!

We called Steve back from safari only to cause him great psychic trauma when we found the the local politician’s haunted donut cavern was shuttered. Not running for re-election. Oh well. Democrats used to stand for free donuts for all, but what of this year? Are times really that tough? Are we just a bunch of poverty stricken Roombas zooming around, moaning about a little cat shit in our path, while other people flaunt ungrammatical signs about Obama making us MARRY OUR SISTAR? It’s time for a rally, my little wasabi peas.

Dear Steve Strange,

I think I have forgotten the capacity to love another human being after a few emotionally tumultuous years. I don’t know if I’m depressed or if having such a character flaw is depressing! Or are my family and friends just that awful? One of them snores, and another interrupts constantly, and yet another taps his teeth with his fork by accident with each bite he takes. And then there are those people from the tea party railing about. I want to start a new life under a new name, where none of them will ever find me. Is being a hermit a viable option these days? I just don’t care at all, Steve.

-Faded to Grey

Dear Faded:

You know, I try to be rather a kind human being, having experienced some humbling times in my own life, but really, you make me sodding sick. Sicker than cold turkey heroin withdrawal while tied to a bed.

You are speaking with a man who has been in a hot air balloon and spent £100,000 on drugs in under one year. ONE year! Have you ridden an elephant? Bedded Robert Palmer? I thought not. I don’t want to hear one more measly whimper about whether or not your life is dismal. It is. Let’s sally forth operating under that impression.

As for the people in your life, if they are putting up with you, you should assume they are even worse than you, and you should sack them. As for this tea party, well, a party always cheers me up, so why not have at it? Where do you store your doilies and your glitter cannon?

love, Steve Strange

*advice is intended for entertainment purposes only. is there any purpose save entertainment?*

Ask Steve Strange

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You are ever so fond of that randy pirate, Adam Ant.  What about me, the Peacock Prince?  It’s about time my Visage popped up around here.  I am ready to share with you my fabulous hat-pin pearls of wisdom.  And darling, I have lived.  When I ran the Blitz you could only get in if you had charm beaded on your brow and a copy of Proust in your bedazzled knickers.  I have also promoted parties in Ibiza, done more heroin than you have had hamburgers, and got busted shoplifting a tent.  And I don’t even like to go camping.  So profit from my advice, babies, and remember, the Damned Don’t Cry.

Dear Steve Strange,

A friend of mine was laid off a year ago and she never has any money to go out.  At first, I generously offered to cover her.  A drink here and there, her share of dinner.  Nothing to win me any awards.  She is making a solid effort to find a job but after a year, the “Susan tax” has become burdensome.  I feel bad about cutting her off, leaving her perpetually at home with want ads and eggs for dinner.  But I have my own bills to pay and besides I want to save up to go to the Caribbean this winter.

love, Alex

Dear Alex,

Far be it for me to begrudge anyone their days in the sun.  When I was still riding around London in stretch limos, sharpening my fairy boots on Boy George’s insolent bottom and rinsing the cocaine from my teeth with additional cocaine, I would long for periods of sun and frolic.  F#$% your friend.  Charity begins at home, let it end at foreign shores.  Also, your andogyny is intriguing here. I think my schedule is pretty free in February.

love, Steve Strange