This is, unlike most of our stories, true. The other night I took a taxi home, and I met Willie, a 64 year old driver and owner of his own car, in a pretty new fleet called Top Cab. Willie hails from South Carolina, and still has the friendly trace of that regionalism. He told me about growing up with segregation, when he would not have been allowed to walk several paces behind me. Since I am from Jersey City, we shared the same feeling upon arrival in Boston, “man, where did all these white people come from?!” We talked about how horribly things are going in this country, with all the young people getting sent to their death under false pretenses, and how a nation that had rid itself of slavery and segregation, might recover from these barbaric times. He said that people down south don’t even know how they are voting themselves further into poverty and loss. How he expects to be driving until he drops, with social security drying up, and billions spent on warfare. Willie moved to the South End of Boston when it was a slum, 43 years ago. He is lucky that he can still afford to live in what is now a fancy address, but I think it is because he rents. He said that “men better wake up,, because it’s the women who know what’s going on, and are going to take control.” He also declared it impossible that Condoleeza could be black, though he has relatives who knew her. He called me Angel in his warm breezy drawl. Business is not so great, times being what they are. For those of you who live in Boston, you taxi riding drunks the lot of ya, please call Top Cab. 617.266.4800. They’re good people.
New In Studio
Licketyplit currently has lambchop in a very uncomfortable half nelson. Until she cries “mercy”, we bring you an offering from studio d’lambchop, where she dreams of hanging out with drag queens.
My Little Pukey
Lambchop and Licketysplit are off the regular broadcast today. If you scroll south, you will see they are still plotting the other’s doom. While they are busy with slide rules, chalk lines, and erlenmeyer flasks, we bring you this update from the B movie that will Blow all other B Movies:
Express Yourself!
The other day on the street, I was trudging along in some slush, cursing humanity and wondering if I have cancer (the usual), when I caught a whiff of what HAD TO BE Designer Imposters. It was that fruity 1988 concoction that would pass for hairspray in the year 2000. And this gave me a great idea. So I had a meeting with our product developer (my roommate who works at home, conducted in our underwear), and he said that Vomitola! Perfume is wholly unmarketable. What is wrong with you people? Brad and Jennifer would!
In other news, making fun of people gets you into trouble. More’s the pity, but it is true! Your ever intrepid lambchop is always willing to tow the exploratory line to find these things out for you, and there you have it. My research has yielded some tips that will be very important in your careers, as you heckle your way through this brief, absurd existence:
1. Never tell someone you don’t like them. It is frowned upon, especially by the recipient.
2. Never insult someone directly, there are many more favors to be procured ’round the back door. It is where the servants are drinking, after all.
3. Never forbid someone to be in your company. It is cruel after all, because you are so wonderful.
4. Always invite annoying people to your parties. Everyone will be quietly amused when they fall down the stairs.
5. Never voice discontent. It causes wrinkles.
6. Allow others to believe you find yourself flawless and you will be spared their triviality.
7. Most importantly, don’t be disturbed when someone dislikes you. Jesus was beloved and look what happened to him.
xo
Ethicist, what do you tell people when?
My dream home would have an MRI chamber for burrowing, and this would be filled with pure oxygen delicately scented of jasmine. The chamber would be next to the plunge pool filled with slightly temperate margarine. So good for the skin!
In the mornings, I like to stay in bed for an hour or so and hallucinate. The wall bricks turn into Tetris blocks, and the floor turns into jungle foliage. The wood beams in the ceiling are pure Bosch. Once I get up, I try to focus on tasks of great industry, like arranging my shoes by color. Most of them are black, so this doesn’t take too long. I have some coffee. I might answer email from clients, and a session of zen meditation is required when I read things like “I would just like to schedule a conference call to find out what your recommendations are.” Because the email is in response to me sending a one page Dick and Jane-style document where my recommendations are clearly outlined. In fact, it was called “Recommendations for _____” followed by a set of bullet points. Maybe I should start including more clip art. “Do this, like this, says the little turtle [fig. a].”
fig. b
Ethicist, I have white spots in my fingernails again. Can you die from this? Does anyone want to plan my vacation? Mr. H is indisposed, leaving it all up to me. I read that Sri Lanka was the new Bali, but I suspect this no longer applies. My horoscope for today says “Challenges will be dealt with honorably.” I guess this means I can duel with pistols.
Quiz! How Deep Is Your Love?
We really need to know…cos we’re living in a world of fools!
1. “Your song” is:
a. Bumpin’ wit Ho’s
b. Solid as a Rock
c. Crimson and Clover
d. Someone Left a Cake Out in the Rain
2. You deal with your relationship problems by:
a. Consuming a foot long grinder, smothered in cheese, grease dripping on my drawz.
b. Talking things over in an air of mutual respect, and security
c. Throwing shoes (5 points for the head, 10 points for the Area)
d. Consulting quizzes
3. How well do you sleep, together?
a. Who can sleep with that bitch blabbering?
b. I can spend hours staring at your sleeping face, and counting every single thing about you that makes me miserable, you smug, self-satisfied pig.
c. We cuddle a little under an enormous duvet.
d. We make a big fuzzy pile with our dogs and cats!
4. Your pet name for your mate is descriptive of:
a. a drug habit
b. personal failings
c. some charming or loving quality
d. their weight
5. The most important promise a lover can make to you is…
a. No bumpin’ wit Ho’s!
b. Stop being yourself. Be different. Be nice.
c. Come and find me after we die.
d. No Beaking!
There are no winners, there are no losers. To finish this test, please, just tell us, How Deep Is Your Love? The best answer wins something. We really need to know!
Greetings from Arcadia, WI!
Life is funny. I started a new job as Sys. Admin here at Initrode, story Inc. when I retrained at DeVoyd Tech, illness after the refridgerator plant down on Ruttle Road closed. After six months of surfing the web, I had the happiness of finding my sister Heidi. You know her as “Heather”. This brassy parlor lady stuff is all an act. I want to tell you a little bit about the sister I grew up with in Lullaby, Wisconsin. She was a bright student, and organized the Penny Drive for Hunger in Ethiopia. She plays a reckless souse, but really she is a good skater who loves snow and carolling. There are six of us kids, Heidi the second oldest, and me the second youngest. You could really get lost in that family, but she took care of me, making sure I had both my mittens and a potato made it to my plate. Did you know that her middle name is “joy”? I hope I can get her to come on home for Easter. Then we will all be together again, except for Michael, who is in jail again for beating his third wife with an empty bottle of Grey Goose, and Jenna “Fritzi”, who was last seen peddling her hoo-ha for dope in Columbus, Ohio.
love
Douglas
It’s a very modern world, but nobody’s perfect
1985 was rad and all, but something bad happened in the future land of 2004, and the earth wobbled and wibbled. And then in 2005, the cat can’t decide if she wants to be in or out, and I totally agree with that position, although it can be tiresome. There are theoretical units of value in my bank account, which were placed there because I used some of my time to do taxing things like write emails and make food dance on the internet. I transmitted some of my imaginary holdings via some electrons to be turned into bottled water and antibiotics. Electrons wear pointed shoes and jaunty caps. Then I picked up an issue of National Geographic Traveler, because vacation planning just got harder. As if life isn’t hard enough.
I can’t stay in 2005. I am booking a retreat to 1979, because I had a dream where everyone was speaking gibberish and “Fantastic Voyage” was playing in the background. This seems to be as good an idea as any. In 1979, I had just started growing teeth and learning about my feet. Later that year, I tried macaroni and cheese for the first time and loved it. Come to think of it, everyone *was* speaking gibberish to me in 1979. Maybe this is why I grew up to enjoy pharmaceuticals of all kinds. I have hands? Wow! What went wrong, ma?
Bring on the Dancing Whores, I mean Horses
1985 is shaping up pretty rad so far. I was all sweaty and nauseated for a couple days with the usual booze and pill new year, listening to Psychocandy. Couldn’t eat more than a cherry tomato. But I did manage to pick up a copy of Spex and a couple new albums. Nothing you would have heard of, it’s all German. Except, for Helen I got the new Scritti Politi. She just loves to dance. Holy crap, I am supposed to go meet her at the mall! We might go see Rocky III later. She is probably waiting for me by the fountain already, drinking a tab and ready to ring my neck, or pouring slurpees on the jocks that hang out by the Iroc giveaway.
Golden Girls is on tonight. 1985 Rules.
-xo
HAPPY 1985!
Well, it’s been a great year, but we at Vomitola eagerly welcome 1985. Did you drink too much last night? We may have. We know because we threw up in the shower this morning, and it didn’t even phase us.
1985 is shaping up to be pretty swell, what with the Perestroika and the 7.2% unemployment. We can’t wait to watch Kiss of the Spider Woman and see Madonna live! And just think, twenty years in the future, we’ll get to watch the Willy Wonka movie starring that nice Johnny Depp from A Nightmare On Elm Street. Can life be any sweeter? Count your blessings, you jerks!
We’re off to crash and dream of a 1300 Dow.