All posts by Licketysplit

A little bit country…

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No, I’m not going to talk about that stupid Osbournes Pepsi commercial… Instead I want to share the latest in gay porn star country music. [Via Faustus, who is always an enchanting read, and Aaron, who is smarter than me and reads things.] I have decided that I want to hire Jeff Stryker to sing at my wedding! What do you think, “Pop You in the Pooper” should get all the aunties onto the dance floor.

See Lambchop, I can’t top Tom Hanks, but I’m always prepared to bring up the rear anyway. ow.

xxoo

Oh, P.S., I still can’t find MJ RC…. I think she has a photo shoot for www.gothharpy.com today. Maybe tomorrow?

Tom Cruise-y

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VinDiesel69: i have something for you to post as an anonymous quote from me.

VinDiesel69: or something.

lickety: is it about retards?

VinDiesel69: like, i want to say this on my blog but it’s too icky even for me, but your blog is great for it

[ed. note! We LOVE backhanded compliments!]

VinDiesel69: no, icky men cruising in the gym

lickety: ooh yeah

VinDiesel69: OK, i mean, I’ve got pretty good gaydar, whatever, i can tell when people are trying to pick people up in the sauna: they go from steam room to sauna repeatedly, cool off with a shower and a drink, then do it again and again.

VinDiesel69: but when the straight people can tell, and the gay people are openly disgusted and relieved that you’ve left the room,

VinDiesel69: you KNOW you’re overdoing it.

VinDiesel69: I mean, this guy was NASTY

lickety: am i missing the boat on lesbian cruising at my gym? I never get that kind of attention

VinDiesel69: He was lying on his back on the bench, lifting his knee to his chest and rocking back and forth suggestively. I wanted to say “ye gods man, put those away! You’re scaring the breeders!”

VinDiesel69: i doubt it.

lickety: i guess chicks are more subtle

VinDiesel69: I mean, are there rules about women’s room behavior?

VinDiesel69: like, never pick the stall next to someone else, or don’t sit too close to someone in the sauna?

VinDiesel69: keep your legs crossed closely?

VinDiesel69: wear your towel? don’t make eye contact?

lickety: mostly people are very polite

VinDiesel69: my guess is “would you like to have coffee sometime?”

lickety: i recently discussed american idol and joe millionaire with someone and her friend

lickety: maybe they think i was hitting on them! we *were* all naked

So, to recap, gentlemen, for chrissakes be discreet! My friend Vin (is that anonymous enough for ya?) from the above exchange seems to get all the hot locker room action though…Always makes me feel like there must be something wrong with meeeee!

P.S. I am in no way saying that Tom Cruise is gay. Tom, please do not sue me.

xxoo

Deep Impact(ion)

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So I awoke this morning and checked all the porn in my hotmail, and then when I logged out, I see a story beckoning to me from the MSN idiot portal. “Swelling star threatens world, providing preview of what awaits Earth.” First I thought it was going to be about Jennifer Lopez and/or Ben Affleck, and I just can’t get enough of those two. Then once I figured out it was all about Science, I was genuinely alarmed and proceeded to skim it with as much attention as I can muster after half a cup of coffee. I was prepared to get all excited and order a wet suit and gas mask, but then it turns out the Earth won’t fry for another few billion years. They snuck that tidbit in at the very end. Ho hum.

But I may be a day late and a dollar short with the gask mask anyway, as I see I’ve missed the Miss Gothic Massachusetts pageant! Oh calamity, oh cruel serendipity. Oh misery that the photos of the “winners” aren’t published yet. But! Do not depair, gentle reader. We are proud to announce that Vomitola will be providing in-depth team coverage of the event via special correspondent Mary Jane RottenCrotch (as soon as she is found, we are checking interstate rest stop bathrooms now). Oh wait, Lambchop is passing a slip of paper across the news desk…it seems she has been located, and she’s just in the middle of a streaming web cast about the hardship of taking her corset collection to the dry cleaner. Phew. Well, when she’s free we’ll try to extract all pertinent info!

Oh, and last but not least, we’d be doing a real disservice if we didn’t provide a whizz-bang Golden Globes wrap-up. Sorry about that.

xxoo

New, in snacks

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Today I am having some off-brand Muddy Bears from the Kandy Shanty next door. So far so good, but I am not enjoying them as much because of the lack of packaging. Sure, it is more economical to get one’s chocolate-covered Gummis from a bulk bin, but I am missing out on the picture of the demonic, scatalogically inclined cuddly bear. Look how his eyes raise heavenward as he contemplates the brown manna plunging down on his gummi hide! Trust the Germans to come up with such a filthy treat. Incidentally, you can purchase Muddy Bears in their rightful packaging at the candy counter of your finer Blockbuster outlets if you are interested.

Oh, I also tried a sugar-free chocolate covered almond. Someone at work is on one of those no sugar diets. The purported downside of eating sugar-free candy? Anal leakage! It didn’t taste particularly good, or particularly bad. But now I am positive I can feel it worming its way through to victory! Me, paranoid? Of course! It’s what I do best! No standing for the rest of the day, just in case.

Now back to bears…I have had the distinct pleasure of working next door to the FAO Schwartz Friendly-Ass Bear statue for quite a while now, but apparently the store is going to close! People were simply not buying enough action figures or $80 stuffed whales in these tough economic times. What is to become of the Friendly-Ass Bear? His plump bronze buttocks shall be ignominiously pried off the sidewalk! He may be sold at auction. I am going to find out when and where so I can take him home. He’d make a lovely addition to any front yard or cathedral ceiling’d rumpus room, frightening children and adults alike. And he’d look so bitchin next to my Silver Spoons train set. Oh, the memories. What’s next, paving the dog field?

xxoo

I’ve always wanted to eat my weight in dill pickles

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Do visit Malepregnancy.com! This would be a terrific idea if reproducing weren’t such a bad one already. Be sure to check out the “hospital’s” other projects, including the transgenic talking mouse.

Way out there in interweb land, I spy my sister making an appeal for new shoes. Wishful thinking, child! You’d best put up a PayPal begging button or an Amazon wishlist to get anywhere. Saaay….maybe I’ll put up my Amazon wishlist. Except I want really embarassing stuff. Everyone would laugh at me. Especially heather. Ah, anyway, back to the shoes. May I recommend ones made from dogs’ noses? The finest way to travel. Failing that, you might want to set your existing shoes out overnight so the elves can come and cobble them for you.

Ok, if I’m still hopelessly bored in a bit I’ll post the Lambchop FAQ! I assure you it’s a corker.

xxoo

I love the big ones says kathy sally thinks.

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I get the best spam ever. If that subject line doesn’t entice one to read on, whatever will? I guess my second choice would have to be “26 pics of teen girls getting ass reamed in the ass.” I applaud that for both specificity and redundancy.

Say, Lambchop, thanks for reminding me of MLK day! I just realized I shot my Black People Love Us wad a day too early! Silly me! I suppose I should cast about for a Little Black Sambo fan site or something to make up for it, but I fear public outcry. Speaking of the public, should we post email addresses? I would love to get some reader mail going, maybe some problems we could publicly address!

Sample letter:

Dear Lambchop and Licketysplit,

I’m torn, befuddled, and perplexed! My boyfriend wants nothing but anal sex. And I know I’m supposed to be *gay,* but it just doesn’t do it for me! What should I do?

signed,

Scaredy Cat

Sample response:

Dear Puss In Boots,

You should do what we always do: Poppers! Failing that, try to strike a balance of the finer things in life. Take some time out in your relationship to try a new flavor of iced tea, or listen to that new Starbucks Jazz CD compilation. Lambchop has been known to loosen up by rearranging her living room, perhaps trying a new fabric softener. And I like to achieve ultimate relaxation by arranging my book jackets by color. Soon you’ll be but a puddle of a man, ready to trip trop the anal staircase. And should you feel any trepidation, lie back and think of the Snuggle Bear! Ease into the rooting and tooting, you’ll learn to love it as much as we have.

xxoo

L & L

So come on readers, dial us up on the ol’ interweb! We are here to help!

xxoo

Kikkoman <3 Powdered Toast Man

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Continuing with my tenuous grasp on the marine life theme, may I present Hi Ho in Sake. Watch for the tail slapping!

This episode contains a toothy shark and a melon piñata. And if you only watch one episode, make it “Shitting a Brick”.

Hoo wee. That little song will drive you nuts for days! Apparently those are mascots for a DSL service. But who knows for sure? Too bad we don’t speak “asian.”

I think maybe now we have to worry about the charges of racism more than the XXX rating? Next thing you know people will be accusing us of claiming all black people look alike?

xxoo

She is very famous in some fetish video

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No, not Heather! Hee hee. These ladies have some very special talents. Probably not work safe, but no nudity.

“So, farting is hard she said, but every girl enjoy farting in room.” So true! Yes, it’s a Japanese farting fetish video series, and the many descriptions are all written in delightful Engrish. I laughed til I cried!

Ok, on that note, or some other note entirely, I’m off to have lunch at Legal Sea Foods. I will be sure to get the fried clams. Or perhaps some other tasty mollusk. At any rate, I’m going to insist on opening them with my teeth.

“She want to fart in outside, She said that “If I fart in public, I will be good..because most of all ladies wants to fart in anyplace perhaps…”.”

xxoo