Cruel Summer

Most people begin to meditate on mortality with the visibly shortening days and the falling leaves. But for me, it is never too soon to be gloomy. Another summer half over and what did it get me? Too damn busy having fun to do any actual work and a very weird set of tanlines on my feet.

I had a lovely time in Chicago thanks for asking. So much fun, I barely slept. It was still not enough time, though. Those guys are making some amazing work, and you should follow their artist pages on fb.

Speaking of inevitable cycles, people in your life come and go, even when you look this good in a bikini. Fortunately, I have a charming new roommate who not only does not resemble a melted troll doll, but also has a way with words. Sorry to offend any melted troll dolls, I am sure you were cute in your day.

In addition to not being awful, props go to this new lady for introducing me to my new favorite thing, the Spice Channel’s “1000 Ways to Die”. First of all, Spice channel? I didn’t realize you could watch that outside of a Motor Inn.  Anyhoo, this show documents bizarre true-life death scenarios with a cruel-voiced narrator, ridiculous puns, comic levels of gore, and a Frank Miller style intro. The best part is, it gets downright science-y describing the mechanism of death due to hypo- and hyperthermia, or taking a massive projectile to the face at high speed. Spice Channel, you read my mind. OMG, the one where a guy on shrooms stumbles upon a bunch of furries having an orgy* in the desert and when they don’t let him join, he puts the moves on a real bear?!? SPOILER: the bear eats him. EM-BEAR-ASSED. Or the poor bastard who gets rolled and cooked in an industrial drier. TUMBLE DIE.

After watching nine episodes back to back, the narrator’s voice is with me throughout my day, warning me that I am seconds away from a third rail, stepping on a rusted nail, or getting a parasitic brainworm from a raw snail. Running to the container store and eating a salad, I survived at least 50 deaths at lunchtime alone!

*This is known as a “fur pile”. Thanks, Spice Channel!

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