My girl is the queen of the savages

I bought a lovely pair of ballet flats in early 2005 and promptly ruined them two months later. When we toured the construction progress on our Indian Burial Ground, the ground was a bit marshy, and one shoe got sucked entirely off my foot. Foolish me, thinking a hard hat paired well with kicky flats. Where are Stacy and Clinton when I dress myself each day? They might have put the kibosh on the three shirts plus Nanook boots and rubber gloves joint from the other day. What can I say? I am always cold.

I found out that I have a vata problem. I used to be a nice corn-fed pitta with the moon eyes of a kapha, but now I am cold and crackly and speedy and have trouble falling asleep. I forget as quickly as I learn. And don’t get me started on how hard it is to be an Alpha. At least I am not infested with imaginary bugs, like my poor father.

Losing my slipper was only fitting though, since sucking and my real estate forays go hand-in-hand, hoof-and-mouth. I tried to sponge the mud off, but it didn’t really work. So I left the shoes in the back of my closet for two years. Duh.

Yesterday, I cleaned and polished them, and whaddya know, instant Spring! I also added up all our debt before I did this. All of it. I wrote it on a big piece of paper and stuck it on the fridge. Shame works wonders. I love to be shamed, don’t you? I’m your secretary. In summation, we owe every cent we take in before the end of the year to that piece of paper on the fridge. No, I can’t have new shoes. I am putting tiny human diminutive former primate to work on making me some, though. She is handy with an awl. She climbs the couch like a little ape and hangs upside down from my chest. One day I will give her power of attorney, and she will have to make decisions about my welfare. Until then, we Make Do and Improve.

4 responses to “My girl is the queen of the savages”

  1. “Tiny human” isn’t fooling anyone. How do I know this?

    Ads by Goooooogle:

    “Mama Loves Me This I Know: She lets me nurse wherever we go.”

    “What Type of Mom Are You?”

    The Google is on to you. Do not attempt to trick The Google.

    That said, do you think tiny human could do a number on my old Doc Martens?

  2. ZOMG. Let me rest, Lord Google! I saw ads for Coffee Mate yesterday.

    & you don’t nurse Goblin wherever you go?

  3. Jes: OMFG! I never saw that one. If you see it again, would you c&p the URL and email it to me so I can block it? licketysplit at vomitola daught com

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