Who would leave Charlie Sheen?

It’s Tough Love Thursday over here. During a commercial break in the surgery show I like so much, I caught two seconds of Dr. Phil’s oversized maw saying “You’ve really got to pull your head out!” I never found out whom he was addressing, so I will assume “all of us.” So I switched back to surgery, pondering this message from our next President of the United States, and whaddya know, they were pulling a head out on that show, too! It’s like God is talking to me.

OK, God is talking to me. He keeps sending me a bat. I can’t be sure if it’s the same bat every time, but they all certainly share the same accusatory aloofness. God also said to order pizza. God frowns on poor life decisions, like smoking crack and having children with people you don’t like. God approves of putting thought into one’s hairstyle and good fuel economy. God said to start a spaceship religion, but I only got halfway through filling out the non-profit tax forms. I wonder how the Lutherans managed? Those things are complex.

God also provided me with a handy list of things to talk about on internet “blogs.”

1. What have you eaten lately?
2. What do you plan to eat in the future?
3. Read any good NYT articles?
4. How’s the weather? Do you have any thoughts on how the weather is?
5. What are your terrible, boring hobbies?
6. Do you have a child? Is it developmentally on schedule?
7. Date much?
8. What gives you the damn right?
9. Isn’t Michael Jackson strange?
10. Pets. You must have pets, a well-adjusted person like you.

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