Let’s run the numbers, shall we?

hours spent flying: 3.5

hours spent in airport: 11

crying children: 4

times I heard “I Shot the Sheriff” while sitting near airport Starbucks: 3

calories in a tall non-fat flavored latte: 210

cost of wireless access day pass: $7.95

cost to park car at airport: $66

hours spent with parents: 12.5

hours spent with stress-induced narcolepsy: 4

cost of flight and hotel: $750

amount of gift certificates received by Mr. H for Sharper Image: $200

things he might actually want at Sharper Image: maybe Robosapien?

amount of cash received: approx. 6 months of therapy co-pays

times i was offered cranberry bread: 9

times i was bitten by a cat: 3

moments of heart-stopping terror and pity upon opening ugly gift: 1

times i said “damn”: countless

times we saw a dog crap in the lobby of a nice hotel: 1

(pictured: actual lobby of our hotel, stunt double dog)