Back in the Saddle

My Dear Troubled Readers,

It has been a grueling couple of months of self-denial at the Betty Ford. They would not let me smoke in the hot tub, and my massages with Nils did not include Happy End! But even though it was my own soul that lay troubled in a bed lacking Egyptian cotton, you people still had problems of your own. How selfish! Especially you unattractive lot- you are rather tempting fate to begin with by having concerns. (I will never forget the day I realized that ugly people have lives, too, I nearly fell in the shower!) In any case, I have returned to my manse and my refrigerator filled with champagne and I shall right your sorry, sordid worlds once more.

Dear Kitty Winn,

I did the unpardonable, the unthinkable, and have been swiftly punished. I read my girlfriend’s diary. And I found out she had not only cheated on me, but it seems she only decided to be with me when things did not work out elsewhere. Of course, this was all years ago, and we had what seems a happy and committed relationship since then. I confronted her and she lied through her pretty little teeth, even when she heard her own words quoted (unbeknownst to her). The bitter lesson for me here is that there must be skeletons like this within every coupling. That we end up together just as much by happenstance as driven by specific desire. My girlfriend is not a bad person, and she didn’t really do anything terrible, that’s just the way people are. The curtain has been lifted and I can no longer believe that there is anything magical about love.

-filled with inertia

Dear Inertia,

My, my, you are quite the philosopher! So, you are disheartened by the inconstancy of the human character? How on earth did you make it this long?! Well, well, we no longer feel special. You are just going to have to bear this one. Human beings are fickle and cruel, but they also have soft lips and will cook you a nice meal. You should have been enjoying what you had. Have a chocolate, and next time you collide into another woman’s life like a traffic accident, stay out of her private thoughts. And her underwear drawer.

-Kitty Winn

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