Lambchop passionately advocated for respect for the problems of the beautiful yesterday, and while I leaped in the air and applauded, daintily, I felt like there might be even more pathos lurking beneath the surface. Sure, people underestimate just how hard it is to be ravishing, the drudgery and responsibility of showing up each day with one’s DNA assembled just so, but ugly people cannot be without their issues. Or can they? We are not FOX News, so I set out to see the other side.

My first hurdle was finding an ugly person. As a rule, I don’t know any. I wandered around, ransacking supply closets, looking for one hiding. I realized that creative agencies don’t hire ugly people, so I was woofing up the wrong ugly tree. I decided to go under cover in order to attract the right demographic. I put on a Liz Lemon shirt, librarian glasses, and wandered around with unwashed hair and yesterday’s makeup remnants. People kept asking what I’d done with my ‘do, telling me I looked great. This wasn’t working.

So I did what any modern child does and took it to the internet. I present you, Lambchop, with irrefutable evidence that ugly people DO have problems!

All studies begin and end with Wikipedia, so here you go: The World Association of Ugly People “attempts to make society more aware of ugly people’s problems.” More aware. Interesting. They assume we are already at least a smidge aware! Presumptuous.

But I did you even one better than Wikipedia. I Googled! Some social scientist at Tumblr has collected the definitive research on the problems of the ugly. Entitled ugly people problems, this person’s dissertation attempts to prove that ugly people do, in fact, have lives too, and thus problems. If A = B and B = C then A = a wasteland of an existence.

Quod erat demonstrandum.

I was off on a cruise last week with dear, old Ron Jeremy, for it is dreadfully gloomy in New York right now.  Apart from a spot of bad fish, it was a rollick.  So what have I missed?  Mary informs me that two of the dampest teens in existence have a philosophical point to make:  Hot girls have problems, too.  Casting these nasal-piped puffins aside (done!), I really have to disagree with the message here.  It is not in dispute that beautiful people have problems.  Heavy is the head that wears the crown!

Truly, the attractive among us are the *only* ones who have any substantial problems.  We worry about diseases we might get, the ones that poors have.  We worry that our shag carpet is just the wrong shade of ecru, and it might be bringing us down.  We are frightfully concerned about whether anyone truly loves us, or whether it is all just an illusion brought on by our celestial allure.  To be so exceptional is to be very lonely.  Everyone else is stuck in a tractor beam on their miserable chins and gaping nostrils in the mirror, and never actually get around to any real trouble. Like Maslow’s hierarchy of needs, ugly people are at the very bottom, and do not have the sense to be plagued with hunger and loneliness.  How I envy the simplicity of their self loathing, which revolves right around the facial area.  Ugly people are delighted to have cancer because at least they will slim down and not look so sweaty.  It is a condition you and I could not possibly comprehend, mired as we are in hob-knobbing, and misting our undereyes with diamond cream.  The PM of France knows exactly what we like.

So please do not tell us about the problems of the excessively handsome.  We are too well acquainted.  Ugly people do not have any problems.  Apart from being ugly, of course.