Lambchop passionately advocated for respect for the problems of the beautiful yesterday, and while I leaped in the air and applauded, daintily, I felt like there might be even more pathos lurking beneath the surface. Sure, people underestimate just how hard it is to be ravishing, the drudgery and responsibility of showing up each day with one’s DNA assembled just so, but ugly people cannot be without their issues. Or can they? We are not FOX News, so I set out to see the other side.
My first hurdle was finding an ugly person. As a rule, I don’t know any. I wandered around, ransacking supply closets, looking for one hiding. I realized that creative agencies don’t hire ugly people, so I was woofing up the wrong ugly tree. I decided to go under cover in order to attract the right demographic. I put on a Liz Lemon shirt, librarian glasses, and wandered around with unwashed hair and yesterday’s makeup remnants. People kept asking what I’d done with my ‘do, telling me I looked great. This wasn’t working.
So I did what any modern child does and took it to the internet. I present you, Lambchop, with irrefutable evidence that ugly people DO have problems!
All studies begin and end with Wikipedia, so here you go: The World Association of Ugly People “attempts to make society more aware of ugly people’s problems.” More aware. Interesting. They assume we are already at least a smidge aware! Presumptuous.
But I did you even one better than Wikipedia. I Googled! Some social scientist at Tumblr has collected the definitive research on the problems of the ugly. Entitled ugly people problems, this person’s dissertation attempts to prove that ugly people do, in fact, have lives too, and thus problems. If A = B and B = C then A = a wasteland of an existence.
Quod erat demonstrandum.