Tag Archives: recipe corner

Never Say Die-t!

Uncategorized, ,

Clammy is off fighting the good fight at the gym. So I am taking this time to send some inspirational thoughts her way, like so many doves. Soon you will be lithe and muscular, nibbling at your Ricola and sniffing derisively at the spare-tire pushup pant wearing teens as they run for the Mister Softee truck, wheezing through their blow holes. To help you on your way, there are several new diets you might try. I am on all of them!

South Reach Diet

If you are prevented by your expanse from grooming anything “south of the equator,” there are handy recipes for rock soup (it’s a concentration of taste!) combined with nightly stretching. The Don’t List is headed by cheese fries and Pop-Tarts.

Liquid Luxury

Did you know that water can contain CARBS?! Make sure you purchase a carb-free water and boil it down to its essential, mineral rich purity. This savory dish should be served hot in a glass bowl to avoid too much iron. Moisten a face cloth to suckle whenever you crave a Snack! Remember, moisture is the essence of wetness and wetness is the essence of beauty.

My personal favorite diet acknowledges the fact that Eating represents total failure of will power. The truly dedicated will abstain from ingestion of evil calories:

Negative Thought Weight

Studies show that thinking about food does not provide any undesirable thought weight. So break out the lasagna, the fritos, and the gorgonzola bacon baguettes- you can roll them across the conveyor belt in your mind at a sumptuous ZERO CALORIES!!

I am having cheese toast right this minute.

-xo

Don’t it make my brown eye blue

Uncategorized,

Last night I did a little stealth babysitting. That entailed speeding over to my brother-in-law’s house in a blizzard because the lady of the house had taken ill with appendicitis! She is just fine at this writing. So Monstro #2 (4-y.o. boy) and BattleKitty #1 (5-y.o. girl) and I chilled. We made mac n’ cheese, and I taught them how to cheat at cards.

The kids were pretty worried about their mom because they saw her get taken away in an ambulance, so I told them about when I went to the emergency room a few months ago, and how it was just fine. What’s that, they asked. I said it was the place where you go when you need to find out why you are feeling bad in a hurry, and Monstro piped in “Ohhhh, with the drink machines!” He’s been there before. These things make an impression.

And the apogee of the evening…. I was doing up some fine-looking pigtails, and Monstro hollered from the bathroom “I’m ready!” I opened the door to find him stark naked, doing a perfect downward dog, business end pointing right at me. So what else could I do? I wiped. I went for the Wet Ones, and he protested “We only use those when I’m all sticky!” Trust me, kid. If I hadn’t caught him red-handed, I might have thought a Great Dane had wandered by.

Later, I asked his dad about “bottoms up,” and his dad sighed and said “He doesn’t get wiping yet. He just crams paper up there and leaves it.” I am filing this all away for the first time he brings a date to a family event.

-xxoo

I want hot noodles!

Uncategorized, , ,

I really hope the Hellboy movie is fun. It’s got Nazis! And, um, Selma Blair. Odd.

***

Spalding Gray, ya bastard. Drowning has never been on my list personally. But I can understand the why. Sorry to hear it. It is hard to reach out from the midst of a black cloud. How do you call someone up and say “It hurts so bad, but I have no good reason. I don’t think I can do it anymore.” Either that person will feel put upon to be burdened thusly, or they will ignore it because it’s uncomfortable, and babble about the shoes they bought on sale. People frequently self-flagellate in the aftermath of a suicide, wondering why the person didn’t just call them up to talk. Sometimes death is preferable to saying another word. It’s not you, it’s them, like any breakup. Or is it? Ugh.

***

The baby shower. I saved the most horrifying thing for last! At one point some of the guests started to fight about who had the best mini van. Someone shut them down by saying “Well, mine rides like a Cadillac.” How can you top that, I dare you.

Then someone asked me what kind of cheese was in the goat cheese, raspberry, and pecan salad. So I told her, and she bellowed into the other room, “SEE, DAWN! I TOLD YOU it was FETA CHEESE!”

The low-carb dieters munched on meat and mayonnaise roll-ups. Many sports-themed outfits were received. And the “gift basket” was in full effect…instead of purchasing something actually useful, the individual fills a laundry basket with random crap from the dollar store. Oh look, novelty giant diaper pins. Frequently the cost will amount to that of one larger, useful item, but some feel quantity makes a better showing.

The worst part was that the whole event was a tacky extravaganza, from the plastic Farmer Baby favor bags to the overly be-ribboned floral arrangements. Yet everyone loved it, and complimented me on my good taste, saying how it “really shone through.” I am a mean, nasty person, because that only made me feel worse. When it’s my turn to be knocked up, I’m going to “elope” for the duration. I’ll just show up one day, bundle in tow. “Oh, this? Yeah, I found it. Someone left it on my car next to a gym flyer.”

-xxoo

The hours

Uncategorized, , , , , ,

Tonight we celebrate a birthday!

So far I have managed to buy myself presents instead of buying them for the birthday boy. I just don’t think he would enjoy a polka dotted umbrella as much as Lambchop and I do. I did get an extra bottle of wodka for the making of many rounds of the Kitty Dukakis. Perhaps we should just fill the bathtub?

In other news, my sister is staying with me until some shadowy future point. Yesterday we went shopping, and today I made her go to the grocery store. I was seized with a craving for Chewy Chips Ahoy!, and this reminded us of all the horrible crap my mother used to let us eat for breakfast. We could have anything, as long as we “had it with milk.” I guess milk redeems even Little Debbie snacks or Entenmann’s cupcakes. This is a far cry from early childhood, where we suffered through home-grown vegetable stews and TVP (textured vegetable protein) and weren’t allowed store-bought cereals. A breakdown obviously took place by the time we started having fast food roast beef sandwiches every night. Five for one dollar! From Hardee’s.

In still more loosely connected news, I joined a gym. It has a pool, so the thought of being seen in a swimming costume will ensure that I either go all the time, or never go at all.

-xxoo

Fine dining

Uncategorized, , ,

This being a blog, I am obligated to report on topics of food consumed and parking spots occupied. Tonight I had a lovely mahi mahi with a fruit salsa and coconut risotto, and the highlight of the evening was the creepy waiter we always get at this establishment. We parked right outside the front door, in case you were wondering. This is a one-horse town, with ample parking day or night, like South Park.

Creepy Waiter knows us by name now, and he delights in rattling off the specials while making an uncomfortable amount of eye contact. He always looks like he’s about to crack up, and we try really hard not to do the same. On our last visit, he described salmon as a “pink-flavored fish,” and mahi mahi is pronounced “maui maui.”

He also let us know how swamped he was on Valentine’s Day, and I deftly inquired “Wow, they must work you all the time, do you ever get a day off?” So now we know to come on Mondays instead.

Still, this is not as bad as the time Mr. H’s mother picked the restaurant where the waitress rammed the bottle of wine between her thighs and pulled for dear life on the cork, right next to the table. I got kicked under the table when I said “Someone’s been kegeling!”

-xxoo

It’s a beautiful day in the neighborhood

Uncategorized, ,

I am still in my jammies, drinking cold coffee. It’s the little things. Last night I made “asian-style pasta.” You know, because peanut sauce is such a staple of Chinese and Japanese cuisine. Does Martha Stewart really need a charge of racism at this point? It was wicked good though.

Here’s how to make the sauce: combine equal parts peanut butter, honey, lite soy sauce, and rice vinegar, about 3 tbsps each works well. Add a few cloves of minced garlic, and 2 tbsps minced ginger. Whisk! Aggressively! You may alter the proportions to taste. I personally went a little lighter on the vinegar and added a smidge more honey.

This goes well with soba noodles (Martha said to use pappardelle, ew), steamed veggies (to serve 4: 1 eggplant, 2 red peppers, 2 big handfuls of snow pea pods), and your choice of sauteed chicken strips or firm tofu cubes (my addition, Martha was feeling leaner).

Ah, Vomitola. You never know what you’re going to get. As a palate cleanser, I’ve just been told there is a midget insta-marriage show on Fox. Er, a little people reality marriage show.

-xxoo

Oh my Gawd!

Uncategorized, , , , ,

There were all sorts of characters afoot last night. We went to Jae’s for sushi. I don’t even know all what was in that boat. You could pan sear chicken brains and I would eat it. Pan-seared! For our entertainment, the waste of human life at the next table were getting drunk. The Goombas then impressed their lady friends by ogling me out loud and and then calling me names when I suggested they just take a picture. They even mocked my hat! Only INSANE people wear hats, especially in January.

I rarely ever get openly made fun of these days. That went the way of my Teri Nunn hairdo. So I am rather taken aback when it happens. What class it shows when a bunch of f?!?heads leer and stumble over some nonsensical putdown about the color of your jacket. I can’t wrap my mind around that level of brain activity.

But we went on to the Spinny bar, which revolves over the Charles River. They have frou frou drinks called Popsicles and a Russian DJ. We watched the revelry of what appeared to be Romanian Prom-goers. If they had played the Venga Boys, i swear we would have danced. The bar started to spin in many different directions.

I know you were all out there, enjoying this tinkly winter evening, because I saw you. And I smiled and waved, as long as you weren’t making fun of my hat!

-xo

Behold my Awesomeness

Uncategorized, , , , , , , ,

I have finally finished my portrait of my roommate Abbs, a soft and lovely girl. I painted her like someone that you imagine smells nice…and has bruises on her legs. I have started a new one of a cigar sucking androgyn. An athlete with long brown hair and polka dots. I am going to paint all the lovely girls of my acquaintance, so stay tuned. Oh, and if you happen to be one of these, do volunteer! And pull the sailor suit out of your closet and your crutches and your favorite underwear and purple eyeshadow and get your cans over to my house!

In other news of stunning feats, I cleaned my room.

I am also pleased to report that I Feel F°!”§ing Awesome because I went to the gym yesterday and rowed 60 lbs, like, until I died. Then I came home and gorged on lasagna. Like Garfield. So I went back to the gym again today and redid my good work of yesterday. And I feel like I could kill someone with my bare hands. Like really overpower someone and strangle them while their blows across my chest grow weaker and weaker. ahem.

Hooray for feeling good!

It’s time for sushi and sake. and violence.

-xo

It’s Thursday

Uncategorized, , , , ,

I thought it was Wednesday, I had to check! Being a woman of leisure is not all it’s cracked up to be. First, I haven’t encountered any actual leisure yet. Instead, I’m mired somewhere else entirely. Oh right, Dracut, Massachusetts. I keep telling myself it would be better if a) I weren’t working on a million piddly, stressful freelance jobs, and b) I weren’t living out of suitcases (more like off piles on the floor), and c) I weren’t still secreting ghee in my lungs. Also, since I “work at home,” everyone assumes I am doing nothing all day. So I scrabble around and prepare dinner for four, like a proper hausfrau. My revenge? Lots of roughage. My poor victims run from the table, groaning, filled to the gills with brown rice and broccoli.

Also, I now know that I definitely couldn’t stay home with a baby, although I suppose a baby would be more interactive than the cat. Even the cat is depressed; she deposits herself in the chair closest to the radiator and lolls there all day, not moving a muscle, not even for mousie.

So my question is: at what point do I give up and take off for the Mexican Riviera? Do advise.

-xxoo

Put on a little makeup, makeup, make sure they get your good side, good side

Uncategorized, , , ,

Brain sandwiches still on some menus, via Salon.

A picture is worth a thousand words.

As you can see from the image above (not the sandwich, the other one!), I have Inner Beauty, oh yes I do. But I’ve also been having a wicked case of the Mondays, and I realized last night that this is directly correlated to how long I’ve been neglecting to apply makeup! Sure, there were other traumatic events, like a half-assed moving/living situation, illness, and job loss. But honestly, it all comes down to the upward curl of my lashes, the highlight on my brow bone. I was a fool to think I had no one to impress, because in doing so I’ve failed to impress myself.

So let this serve as a warning: spackle ye cheekbones while ye may. Go get a haircut, and a real job, lest you find yourself planted on the couch wearing sweats for the next 8 months, drooling as Dr. Phil chastises you for eating the Kraft Dinner cheese packets right out of the box.

-xxoo