Last night I did a little stealth babysitting. That entailed speeding over to my brother-in-law’s house in a blizzard because the lady of the house had taken ill with appendicitis! She is just fine at this writing. So Monstro #2 (4-y.o. boy) and BattleKitty #1 (5-y.o. girl) and I chilled. We made mac n’ cheese, and I taught them how to cheat at cards.
The kids were pretty worried about their mom because they saw her get taken away in an ambulance, so I told them about when I went to the emergency room a few months ago, and how it was just fine. What’s that, they asked. I said it was the place where you go when you need to find out why you are feeling bad in a hurry, and Monstro piped in “Ohhhh, with the drink machines!” He’s been there before. These things make an impression.
And the apogee of the evening…. I was doing up some fine-looking pigtails, and Monstro hollered from the bathroom “I’m ready!” I opened the door to find him stark naked, doing a perfect downward dog, business end pointing right at me. So what else could I do? I wiped. I went for the Wet Ones, and he protested “We only use those when I’m all sticky!” Trust me, kid. If I hadn’t caught him red-handed, I might have thought a Great Dane had wandered by.
Later, I asked his dad about “bottoms up,” and his dad sighed and said “He doesn’t get wiping yet. He just crams paper up there and leaves it.” I am filing this all away for the first time he brings a date to a family event.