As we begin to wake in stadiums overflowing with joyous vomit, let us pause, as soberly as possible, and think of the real victims here. Mariah Carey and Mr. Mariah Carey’s new twins.
These ill-starred children were brought screaming into this world slap dab between Wills and Kate (honeymoon baby anyone??) and the assassination of the world’s craftiest evil doer, the Where’s Waldo of the mujahideen. These children are going to be denied a birth right to Star Magazine covers! Why would we want to see the droppings of a pop star’s womb when we could look at close ups of Pippa’s arse or Photoshopped bullet holes on stock photos of Bin Laden? Eh, babies, we’ve seen one, we’ve seen them all. Even if there are two babies. Still seen ’em. Brangelina pulled that one off years ago.
The sad little urchins were even denied names for days, until finally it was revealed to the world that their crosses to bear until they can legally change their names are: Moroccan and Monroe. I would have gone with Methamphetamine and Methadone. Magneto and Marvel Girl. Mirage and Mandalay Bay. Macbeth and Mophelia. Or perhaps I would have plucked the golden goose of Cannon Cannon and Carey Carey.
But these things are not up to me. If the universe wishes to play a joke, it has proven itself capable time and time again. We live in a time of wonder.
Leave it to Vomitola to be on the cutting edge of pretty much everything. Weren’t we just talking about the need for a new arch-nemesis? Ol’ Barry O “Bam Bam” can never stand to be long outdone by us, so he rid the country of its top cartoon villain. Well hoo de hoo. I guess nothing bad will ever happen again and I can start wearing thigh high lace ups to the airport, their spiny heels filled with secret hooch, and still retain my dignity. Just joshing, kids, the War On Terror will continue unabated. If anything, with greater drooling enthusiasm than we have seen in quite some time. PHEW. Now all we need is a new Dr. of Evil, preferably one with an unusual moustache. Perhaps now that John Galliano is out of a job…
If I can cease my hysterics at the contemplation of Galliano in full spangly faux military regalia, leading the chants of “death to America”, I will conclude with a LIST:
Top Ten Things People Are Saying About the Death of Bin Laden
1. Why didn’t they look him up on Google maps sooner?
2. “I am MAYOR of his mansion!”
3. Must retire the phrase “..then the terrorists have won.”
4. He was not so much killed as written out of the script
5. Barry Bounce!
6. Say Hi To Hitler, the new broadway musical
7. A sad, abrupt finish to Will & Kate coverage
8. Maybe we shouldn’t be waving flags in the street becasue someone is dead, lest we be confused with religious extremists, a.k.a. what Crazypants “lefty” McLamesauce would say
9. Trump Truce Offered!
10. He was the last one, right?