Oh how could he?Â How could Justin Bieber have gotten a haircut?Â Doesn’t he know how much I really dislike change?Â And what with my nerves all shot like they have been.Â Pretty soon Venus Williams will start wearing visible underpants and then where willÂ we be?Â Exploring the minutiae of a Travolta hairline or watching Madonna’s cheeks explode right through her face.Â My life isÂ a very empty place whose chief regret is the infrequency of posting on awfulplasticsurgery.com.Â You see, I don’t have an archnemesis in realÂ life atÂ the moment, a sad state of affairs.Â I really miss a good high quality loathing, the kind that fat people inspire.Â Calm yourselves, twittizens, I do not condone such prejudice by mentioning its existence.Â Here are the qualities I look for in a good archenemy:
1. Attractive, but not *too* attractive
2. A severely overinflated sense of their own gifts, worth and importance
3. Terrible diction
4. Stuff I want
If you feel are qualified to fill this position,Â you really have a problem and I dislike you already.Â So we are off to a roaring start and you should email me right away.Â For my part I will mainly ignore you aside from an occasional derisive snort.Â I will lapse into a giggle every time something terrible happens to you.Â I am no longer the top-flight, punch-you-in-the-cans archenemy that I used to be.Â
I have not been getting enough sleep the last two weeks.Â It is making my brain feel like butter left out on theÂ table for the ants.Â It is making my eyelid muscles twitch.Â But this can only serve to improve my “archenemy” game.
Oh, to relive the days when you used to kick chairs out from under your nemeses and torture them with bonus tracks not available on vinyl. Boston was always so giving in the nemesis department.
Hahahaha! Yes, no more throwing of elbows or “Tony the Pony”! Pretty soon you will be sweeping me into a baggie.
Simply untrue. Ask, and the world shall send some cackly chicks dressed up as cheerleaders to your house.