Tag Archives: justin bieber

Freude in the Schaden

Oh how could he?  How could Justin Bieber have gotten a haircut?  Doesn’t he know how much I really dislike change?  And what with my nerves all shot like they have been.  Pretty soon Venus Williams will start wearing visible underpants and then where will we be?  Exploring the minutiae of a Travolta hairline or watching Madonna’s cheeks explode right through her face.  My life is a very empty place whose chief regret is the infrequency of posting on awfulplasticsurgery.com.  You see, I don’t have an archnemesis in real life at the moment, a sad state of affairs.  I really miss a good high quality loathing, the kind that fat people inspire.  Calm yourselves, twittizens, I do not condone such prejudice by mentioning its existence.  Here are the qualities I look for in a good archenemy:

1. Attractive, but not *too* attractive

2. A severely overinflated sense of their own gifts, worth and importance

3. Terrible diction

4. Stuff I want

If you feel are qualified to fill this position,  you really have a problem and I dislike you already.  So we are off to a roaring start and you should email me right away.  For my part I will mainly ignore you aside from an occasional derisive snort.  I will lapse into a giggle every time something terrible happens to you.  I am no longer the top-flight, punch-you-in-the-cans archenemy that I used to be. 

I have not been getting enough sleep the last two weeks.  It is making my brain feel like butter left out on the table for the ants.  It is making my eyelid muscles twitch.  But this can only serve to improve my “archenemy” game.