Tag Archives: no!vember

Bats in the belfry

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Someone actually arrived at our site by searching for “what’s good about November.” Well, I swan. Someone also arrived by looking for “anal scrabble,” which is frankly more plausible to me than something being good about November. Here, a proud listing of how much I hate November:

November 2, 2005 ,”This Also Just In”

It’s November, Charlie Brown. Outside forces continue to vex, astound. Inside forces also unfavorable.

October 31, 2007, “Handwashing is Key,” wherein we establish that while October sucks, November is worse.

October is bungled logistics and petty grievances and the horror of taking a shower every day. October secretly arranged to go out to lunch with your Saturn Return and talk about you, and then they strike up a friendship born of shared distaste for you and stay up late on the phone, planning new pranks.

November 1, 2007, Now I Know How Joan of Arc Felt

Allrighty, what’s good about November? [ed.- I’ll be darned, we tried!] How psyched are you for November? Guy Fawkes day!!!!!! That is in November. Thanksgiving is in November, and that’s generally fun if you put aside historical context and all. I make a mean quinoa pilaf. Veteran’s Day, well, that could be a downer. Depends on who you ask. Halloween candy on sale? Don’t need that and would not want to catch obesity from looking at it funny either. Christmas decorations will slowly start to become more contextually appropriate. I think we should just neatly excise October and November from the calendar. Halloween can be moved to September, right after my 25th birthday. The Vomitola calendar is awesome. St. Croix’s Day is a real day! So is “everyone’s attractive” day! Except that is not really true. We just pretend and feel better.

November 9, 2007, “That the night come”

Take that, NO!vember. I am going to get on a plane and go somewhere…five to ten degrees warmer than here. Yes, well played, me. Well played! The only catch is that I am going with a ybab, and I have to decide whether to strap her to my back and carry the carseat while carrying the bag on my head, or strap the carseat to my back while dragging her on a leash attached to a cute animal backpack, or perhaps check her at the curb and pay someone to push me along in a Smarte Carte (“we’re the carts at the airport and a whole lot more…” More! I like that. OMINOUS).

Whoa, clearly winter 2007-08 was a rough one. Why didn’t someone just stick me on a treadmill in front of a happy lite watching a DVD of Caribbean waves for the whole month of November? Why don’t gyms have that set-up, anyway? I will do it and make a killing. With optional lead apron rental.

I buy myself a little time

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Cat with a picture of a cat

It’s cat picture Monday! Piping hot 5-year-old content! But that cat doesn’t look a day over 9 now, so I think she’s holding her own. We do not still have a framed photo of a cat. We don’t even have framed photos of a child. That framing things ship sailed years ago.

It has just come to my attention that it is No!vember, and thus I spent a few contemplative hours under a pile of pillows, trying to replicate that most soothing of feelings: lead apron at the dentist. Every six months, I try to con them out of one, but they won’t fall for it. “Say, this one is looking rather frayed at the hem. Are you sure you aren’t planning to get a new one?”  I can see why they might not jump at the chance. The damn things are over $300! I tried bargaining, “Oh, sure, I’ll come in for a teeth bleaching, if you let me use the apron.”

“But you don’t need it.”

“Yes, I do!”

This might be my idea of heaven: lying there in a tanning bed, wearing a lead apron, while someone rubs my feet. All sensory experiences met! But I am too pale and pre-cancerous to tan, and we can’t have nice things. And I don’t have feet so much as hooves.

But really, sanity and I had a good run if I made it to mid-No!vember without crippling anxiety. You are on your own for the rest of the month. If you think I’m making pumpkin flan for anyone, well, I probably am. I can’t deny anyone the glory of flan. I will rise from my very deathbed for flan.