Tag Archives: going to the amazon

Because I love you

I decided to blow off the Amazon after just a few days. It was OK, I guess. I met some monkeys, and I learned how to dye fabric with bugs. I made a caftan. It makes me feel like lounging on the lanai with Dorothy and Rose.

But now that I’m back, I feel a little discontent. I decided it would be in my best interest to have one reasonably lucrative job instead of my usual million jobs with erratic pay schedules. So I set to lookin’, and so far I found one that would like me to know that I would have “responcibilities” if I took it. Oh, don’t do me like that. If anyone is hiring, I am good at being nosy and bossy. I know my way around a spreadsheet. I will fix your dumb idea and make it look like you are the genius in charge of geniusing.

Speaking of dumb ideas, I’m going to have to fire my therapist. I was complaining about a chronic pain condition I have, and he busted out a book called “How to Heal Your Life” or something like that. The cover was a whole mess of watercolor hearts. And I sat there thinking “Oh no you di’n’t,” and he turned to the entry for my particular condition and said “ah-ha: internalizes stress, chooses sugar over real love. something something pain all your fault. Your affirmation should be ‘I am a woman, and I love my womanly body.'” And I said “You are so, so, so, so fired.” I don’t think he believed me. So I should order a singing telegram. Oh Tom Cruise, you dumb cracker, where are you with your vitamins when I need you?

The weather is here, asshole

Well, Day 1 in the Amazon is off to a good start. I did leave a bit late because of the little matter of killing the HVAC technician. I festooned the house with his entrails, and left him nailed to the front door as a warning to other service professionals. After a dab of Purell, I was off to the races. I had a little trouble finding the Amazon campsite. No, no, your directions were great, really, I just wasn’t paying attention. Silly me! But now that I’m here, the friendly natives have packed me in mud, and I showed them how to get satellite internet access with a magnifying glass and a tin can and some vines. So they are all crowded around PartyPoker.com on the spare computer. I hope I can tear them away so they can show me which toads are best to lick. I think I will like my new home in the Amazon.

Excuse me, i have a very delicate cake in the trunk of my car

Oh, why you gonna honk at me for slowing down just a little bit before I turn? There is no one in the left lane, so go the hell around. My signal is on, whore pants. Do you realize the situation with the cake? I would think that you do not. Respect my cake. You have no idea how fragile it is. I would hate to arrive at my destination and find the fruit topping all messed up to one side like cheese on a tilted pizza. Oh no, that is not how it’s going to be. Screw you, you troop-supporting insensate buffoon. I am sorry your SUV is so hard to maneuver that you cannot handle swinging into the other empty lane. My cake will triumph.

Shake it off, shake it off. I lead a charmed life, what with the having most of my original teeth and pooping every day. Although I will never know everything there is to know. I haven’t even tried all the vegetables in the produce section. I only know one good recipe that uses wheat germ. What if I am actually supposed to be married to a professor in Prague? I am sure I am not living in the best possible place. Where is that place? I am happy, but the whole world looms. Books jump off the shelf and mock me for not finishing them. Just you wait, SUV driving slam pig, I will up and move to a small community in the Amazon. The natives will befriend me, and I will teach them rudimentary farming techniques and how to perform a tracheotomy with a pen. They have never seen a pen before. We live happily ever after in our easy breezy loin cloths.