While the following may have nothing to do with anal sex, consider it painful and unexpected, in the spirit of David Hager.
Mr. H and I went for a walk t’other day, and we ended up close to a Dunkin’ Donuts. Since I can never pass up corn syrup solids, I jabbed him in the ribs until he agreed to buy me a Dunkaccino. He’s the one that carries the wallet on our little walks. I am not to be trusted. But he needed to use the ATM, and while he mis-entered his PIN with his monkey paws, I gawped at a sign that read “Atention Dunkin Donut’s Customer’s. Use ATM before making you’r purchase.” I flailed and sputtered, and he laughed at me.
Then I noticed the sign on the other side of the beverage delivery bay: “Dunkin Donut’s Customer’s thankyou for you’r patience. All our machine’s are working again, including latte’s and gift cards. Thankyou.”
Mr. H said that the sign was funny, but how bent I got was funnier. Fine! It took me many blocks to shut up about it, and that was only because I knew I could talk about it again on the internet. My drink sucked anyway. It was diluted with the tear’s of the infant Jesu’s. At least I hope that’s what that was. You’r a jerk!
Hello, buttketeers, I bring you a special weekend dispatch for Anal Sex Week. Actually, I may make this Anal Sex Month, as there is just so much material. Topical, like anesthesia, puttin’ yo ass to sleep*.
Do any of you suckers out there remember Dr. David Hager? He is the wingnut Ob-Gyn on the FDA Advisory Committee for Reproductive Health Drugs who wrote books like Stress and the Woman’s Body and As Jesus Cared for Women. He’s all up on curing PMS with prayer, and he’s against the morning after pill and basically any kind of hormonal birth control because these may cause abortionz.
Well, as it turns out, according to this Nation article, Jesus liked to put stress on a woman’s body through the back door, the world’s oldest form of birth control. The good doctor is accused by his former wife of sodomizing her against her will numerous times during their thirty-odd year marriage. He was apparently a fan of such seductive techniques as slipping it to her while she was asleep, or he’d pull the switch-up.
From the article: “He would say, ‘Oh, I didn’t mean to have anal sex with you; I can’t feel the difference,'” Davis recalls incredulously. “And I would say, ‘Well then, you’re in the wrong business.'”
So there you have it, one of those “marriages where the man does nothing but fuck his wife up the ass.” I’m not even saying such a thing would be a bad marriage, provided it’s, you know, consensual. This guy wins the sanctimonious creep award, explaining the breakup of his marriage by saying “Time spent ‘doing God’s will’ had kept me from spending the time I needed to nourish my marriage.” Oh yeah. With a little lube and a please and thank you, maybe.
*Apologies to Ice Cube.