Tag Archives: 2013

Policy of Truthiness

The weather in the future is here; wish you were fantastic! President Palin quit rather unexpectedly, but she was quickly purchased by FOX kNows (Formerly FOX News, but no one likes real news). So everyone else in the Palin family also quit, except Bristol, who soldiers on lumpenly through her tour on the federally funded show Skating With the Stars. This meant that there was no Veep, no Speaker of the House, or even whatever the #4 guy does, or Secretary of State. Whew.

So we had a quick run-off, and Perry the Platypus won. He’s the first animated-American president! And also the first non-human president, although that is debateable. Are we counting witches as humans or not? I am pro-witch, personally.

I tell you one thing I am missing in the future: my stock market performance from the La Bamba administration. He may have dropped the ball on that whole waterboarding and secret prisons thing, but man, did I love logging in at Fidelity back then.

As of election day, Nov. 2, 2010, your $100,000 was worth about $177,000 if invested strictly in the NASDAQ average for the entirety of the Obama administration, and $148,000 if bet on the Standard & Poors 500 major companies. This works out to returns of 77 percent and 48 percent.

Remember those days? Everyone used to sit around muttering and fist shaking about recession, but I made a killing!  2009 and 2010 were pretty sweet. Unfortunately most of the cash was locked inside retirement accounts, which is why you didn’t see me driving a solid ermine car and why I was still living in that crappy condo.

I know it is gauche to discuss anything good that happens in one’s life, especially financially, so I kept my trap shut. I would just nod during those fist shaking conversations and say “Yeah, can’t beat Wall Street. It’s all Monopoly money anyway.”

So what gives? Was I the only one in America making boring regular contributions (and dumping in everything I could spare after the crash and maybe shorting a few things)? Was I the last person in America married to someone with a job? Could be.

I admittedly have no job, except for making a bit of scratch from my stable of dubious websites, ahem. I make the investment picks and maintain the investment policy document, so I steer the ship toward the iceberg, but Mr. H is responsible for putting the coins in the coffee can.  You certainly can’t invest without some sort of income involved, it is true.

Maybe if someone had thought to give more people jobs, we wouldn’t have had so much fist shaking. Or perhaps someone could have just arranged marriages to people with jobs. Win-win! If not jobs or marriages, maybe at least makeovers or makeunders, as needed? Another strategy I employ to drum up extra cash is not paying utility bills. They take a long time to shut those off, comparatively.

After the great crash of 2013, I am not so pleased, but then President Palin did give each citizen a trailer in her last act before leaving office, so I am somewhat set. And I start at the shrimp farm next week, so I’ll finally have a job. The platypus just loves shrimp! He’s like a little Forest Gump, only with a venom spur.

Greetings, Citizens of Americorp.!

2013 is really starting to grow on me. President Palin had her hair blow dried on Live with Regis and whatever and we attended the special senate confirmation hearing for Piper Palin’s appointment to the federal bench. Li’l Piper was grilled on her construction of the constitution on issues such as abortion and gun control, predictably failing to illuminate a position on how she might rule on those cases. She *did* express an interest in blue-razz gum and an inclination to appear on the X Factor.

Literally tens of you have written in wondering about new iphone apps and stock performance. We are not here to cheat history, darlings. If you are sitting in your deplorable hovel on a mound of dirt, gettting chewed on by bedbugs, then that is exactly where you have to stay. We are also not going to reveal if Joaquin is really crazy, or only kidding. Life affords little enough mystery. We will, however share the following breakdown of some of the HOTTESTS TREEEENDZ:


lip collagen
horror clowns
nice Perez Hilton
Jamie Lee Curtis yogurt
Tiny Dogs
Free Will 


Vag rejuvenation
(even scarier) Happy Clowns
evil TWIN Perez Hilton (OMG he has an evil twin!)
Donut hamburg sammich
Toy Moose
Pharma vouchers

The future is AWESOME.

It Was What it Was

Get Out the Vomitola

We wrap our edition of “Why Everything Sucks” with the following: Harry Reid, craven, useless chief of the cloakroom hangs on but Russ Feingold, progressive hero, is defeated…

Did you also know you could fatally OD on caffeine?

We leave the present in the gloved hands of Unkle Karl to journey to the center of distant times. Here in 2013, things are a bit brighter, and also a whole lot dumber. I guess America is rather like a punch clown. You can take a swipe and knock it over, but it will just bob back up in your face with a maniacal grin. Hilarious. Note to Sarah Palin: choose an actual punch clown for your reelection bid in 2016. We DESERVE to be infotained!

We have cunningly disguised ourselves in the attire of the day. Though I am not sure if we are supposed to be in the navy, or some kind of minstrels. Maybe this is what happens when they abolish “Don’t Ask, Don’t Tell”?