Category Archives: Uncategorized

Rock in Pictures

Uncategorized, , , , , , ,

This is my roomie S. at our impromptu karaoke party on Saturday. I tear up when he sings I’m Not in Love. Even with the pornorific pencil moustache.

Last night one of the greatest rock bands ever was in our neighborhood. The first time I ever had a psychedelic snack, I was watching the video for Under the Milky way when they kicked in. I have not been the same ever since. Which is why I had to do a urine test when I applied for a job at a movie theater. Don’t worry, I always carry a spare. Oh but they still got it. Marty informed us that he has so much talent and charisma, it was bound to ooze onto the first two rows and coagulate there. At one point he needed a stool to support the weight of his genius. WE LOVE MARTY!

I quit my job. But I got another. I am going home to watch Bartleby.

Here are some more things that ROCK:

1. Leaving for sunny Berlin in a week-ish.

2. Orange Julius

3. Going to the roller rink this weekend.

4. Starsky and Hutch!!!

-xo

I want hot noodles!

Uncategorized, , ,

I really hope the Hellboy movie is fun. It’s got Nazis! And, um, Selma Blair. Odd.

***

Spalding Gray, ya bastard. Drowning has never been on my list personally. But I can understand the why. Sorry to hear it. It is hard to reach out from the midst of a black cloud. How do you call someone up and say “It hurts so bad, but I have no good reason. I don’t think I can do it anymore.” Either that person will feel put upon to be burdened thusly, or they will ignore it because it’s uncomfortable, and babble about the shoes they bought on sale. People frequently self-flagellate in the aftermath of a suicide, wondering why the person didn’t just call them up to talk. Sometimes death is preferable to saying another word. It’s not you, it’s them, like any breakup. Or is it? Ugh.

***

The baby shower. I saved the most horrifying thing for last! At one point some of the guests started to fight about who had the best mini van. Someone shut them down by saying “Well, mine rides like a Cadillac.” How can you top that, I dare you.

Then someone asked me what kind of cheese was in the goat cheese, raspberry, and pecan salad. So I told her, and she bellowed into the other room, “SEE, DAWN! I TOLD YOU it was FETA CHEESE!”

The low-carb dieters munched on meat and mayonnaise roll-ups. Many sports-themed outfits were received. And the “gift basket” was in full effect…instead of purchasing something actually useful, the individual fills a laundry basket with random crap from the dollar store. Oh look, novelty giant diaper pins. Frequently the cost will amount to that of one larger, useful item, but some feel quantity makes a better showing.

The worst part was that the whole event was a tacky extravaganza, from the plastic Farmer Baby favor bags to the overly be-ribboned floral arrangements. Yet everyone loved it, and complimented me on my good taste, saying how it “really shone through.” I am a mean, nasty person, because that only made me feel worse. When it’s my turn to be knocked up, I’m going to “elope” for the duration. I’ll just show up one day, bundle in tow. “Oh, this? Yeah, I found it. Someone left it on my car next to a gym flyer.”

-xxoo

Eighteen Things to Feel Good About That Have Nothing to do With It Being A Friday

Uncategorized, , , ,

18. If you can read this, you aren’t dead.

17. Batman!

16. Venti Latte

15. Doin’ the Butt

14. Finding out that someone else who isn’t you just got fired/demoted/a bad perm.

13. The number 13

12. Swivel chairs

11. STIFF, A book on the interesting lives of cadavers.

10. Cardigans with “Lambchop” stitched to the shoulder (you should all feel good about this)

9. Anticipation of Starsky and Hutch, the Movie.

8. The Miss Gothic Massachusetts competition

7. Andy Gibb’s smile

6. Someone probably admires you.

5. Lunch dates with ex-Mormons

4. Electric pencil sharpener

3. The Microscopic Robots of the Future

2. Sun rises

1. A new little sister!

(for those of you keeping score at home, I have a potential little sister through the Big Sister program. I am going to meet her soon! Until then, I am obligated to keep her identity confidential. Stay tuned!)

Burden

Uncategorized, , ,

Hulk hurt self bulk shopping. Hulk not lie to you. Ouch.

Also, I am morally outraged because it turns out that Netflix does not stock pornography! What the? I mean I just assumed that they would when I forked over $20. It’s not like it’s a number one hobby or anything, but this is America! If I want to settle in with some microwave popcorn for “Weapons of Ass Destruction,” who is Netflix to turn down my hard-earned unemployment dollars? I wouldn’t have even noticed if I hadn’t been looking for “Something About Mary.” This reminded me to always try Keyword: Bukkake. No dice. I am drafting an angry letter right now.

-xxoo

Grouch the Oscars

Uncategorized, , , ,

Oh, No one needs a re-cap on how lame it was that Bill Murray didn’t win, or how much Annie Lennox resembles a papery Nosferatu. Never mind that orange effigy passing itself off as Charlize. I am primarily disappointed that there was no Nipple Spill.

At my house there was couture, pink champagne, and a small army of hecklers.

P.S. Did you see that Hansel??? He is so Hott right now.

-xo

[Co-clam’s note, since I did not want to push down that loverly shot of the true Oscar: my term for Annie Lennox was ‘gratitude leafblower.’ And Marcia Gay Harden neatly supplanted Catherine Zeta Jones as this year’s Official Flotation Device. Peter Jackson, oh jeez. He needs to be Queer Eyed, stat! That is all – CS]

Spring fever

Uncategorized, ,

I am once again a germy mess! I should be quarantined, in one of those rooms with the built in black rubber gloves. That way, someone could reach in safely and apply cold compresses to my fevered brow. Luckily, the wireless access extends to the bedroom. Once I am well, I am still not leaving the bed.

Random observations:

– People’s Choice would be a great name for a Chinese restaurant.

– The hawks that live along the river bank have figured out that we have a cat to eat, and they inch closer to the deck every day. They are practically pressing their beaks against the storm door now.

– I’m hungry, why does no one bring me food? Just a little Kraft dinner? Bastards. I give and I give.

In other news, the baby shower for a relative is a week away. People are pestering me by asking what they can bring. So I thought of assigning things I need around the house anyway. “Um, you can bring trash bags and dish soap.” Or maybe “The baby needs a massage gift certificate, or a tasty bottle of rioja.”

-xxoo

Fashion Police Update

Uncategorized, , , , , ,

I have been encouraging the receptionist on my floor to not only Inform on those who violate the dress code, but to prepare a full Joan Rivers style report every day, on everyone’s dress. Why stop at simply policing open-toed shoes and corduroy pants (strictly VERBOTEN)? We should report the magenta blazers, the bulky shoulderpads, the cheap perfume, and the continued presence of holiday sweaters. Just this morning I saw some cellulite hugging oatmeal pants in the copy room! We should also give commendations for snazzy eyewear and slimming pencil skirts. I shall be preparing a full review for HQ!

I have not seen that old plastic faced gorgon, Ms. Rivers, do her thing at the Oscars. I have not seen an award show, or a star-studded tribute of any kind while I was in Berlin. So I actually plan to have a Grouch the Oscars night at my house. Which will involve champagne, tiaras, and lots of jeering. I suppose it will also involve watching the oscars.

-xo

Dressing for Excess

Uncategorized, , , , ,

I have just heard that dress code infractions at the ol’ McJobby Job le Job are to be noted by the receptionist and reported to HQ. Does this mean no more feather boa? Is my tweed cap to be silenced? So I am working on my resume, which causes me to think in bulleted lists of the Things I did Yesterday:

*eat a canoli

*watch a film about noodles

*read a book about waiting, entitled “Waiting”.

Buy a copy of Wired magazine and note that the aforementioned trio Freezepop have a full pager in there. I am preparing myself for them to be hugely famous so that I can write a tell-all. I better start stealing their underwear.

I asked everyone at dinner if they were to be inducted into the Make a Wish Foundation through clerical error and not, say, leukemia, for what would they ask. We had two Bowie-related requests (I would do an exhibition with the Man in Pants. Picture me quaffing wine at our opening, full of mutual adulation!) One wish was to go on tour opening for Duran Duran. Another would modestly wish for a house. Asians are so practical!

And strangely of all, one of us would like to be nine years old. Permanently. Which sparked a lively discussion on the value of consciousness and creativity versus an unconscious sort of happiness.

Personally, as much as I am avoiding adulthood, I would never return to the age of nine. My paintings are better now. Oh, and so is the sex.

-xo

Why do birds suddenly appear?

Uncategorized,

The man upstairs from me has a piano, and he’s been playing “April in Paris.” I can hear it through the ceiling, and sometimes a peel of a woman’s laughter. We smile and nod in the hallways, as we are both persons of leisure, doing leisurely things.

I don’t think I can ever work in an office again. Life is is going swimmingly, and it directly relates to not dragging myself in to be abused every day by people with no understanding of what my job actually entails. I’m still doing freelance, but on my own terms. Now I’m just waiting for summer time, when I’m told the living is easy.

-xxoo