Category Archives: Uncategorized

The Man Without A Past

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I finally got to see Aki Kaurismäki’s last film, and it was just as weird and gripping and lacking in emotional display as you expect from a Finn.

I, too, am erasing my past. Bringing some more of my things back to America. It’s all crap anyway. Closing the door on old relationships. Buying new shoes and planning for an exhibiton in 2005.

Everything is changing and crazy, but it’s ok. It’s about what you expect from your lambchop. Tomorrow I will take some photos of my new work in the gallery. It’s already been purchased, expressly for the 2005 exhibition, Kampf Bilder.

Hit ’em up style/ racing thoughts

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Has anyone ever said “Get at me” or “Hit me up” to you? I believe it means “Please return my phone call or instant message as soon as you are able.” But one never knows. Please stop saying it if you employ such terminology; it grates.

Today I was dutifully trotting on the treadmill, and I noticed all the bizarre things other people do in the gym. One gentleman has a routine of pointing at himself in the mirror, with alternating hands, as he bestrides the elliptical machine. Another woman tries to access the internet with her Palm Pilot while she’s on the stepper. I can get a good look at this in the mirror in front of me, as she bobs up and down and deploys antennae and swears.

And what do I do? We-ell. I thought about pointing back at the man behind me, but mainly I like to keep a bemused, vacant look on my face, as if I just won an Academy Award. I don’t want to look too pleased at how my deltoids glisten in the mirror. I want to remember things, like thanking my husband and my manager. Mainly I totally space out.

I did a controlled experiment with the heart rate sensor too. When I think happy self-involved thoughts, say, about my hair, it’s just fine. When I think of getting a job it shoots right up! Out of the cardio zone!

I’ve been trying the boxing stuff too. Soon I will be wiry, yet thick-necked, like Secretariat or Geri Halliwell. I asked my trainer “Why am I not losing tons of weight?” And he replied that I should work on my diet, perhaps cut out that bottle of wine I drink every night. Good god. Luckily pills are still OK!

-xxoo

Parting is Such Sweet Sorrow

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Dear Kitty,

It’s been 10 minutes since my esteemed colleague left the firm, and my row,

forever, and already it is unbearable. How does one cope with such loss? I

feel like my life is over. I am sobbing uncontrollably. And on top of this

loss, the colleague I am left with harasses me mercilessly. Just today she

made insulting remarks about the size of my nose, for which I am very touchy

about.

Can you help me?

–anonymous

Dear Anonymous,

I was very much moved by your letter, and I shall give you the name of my very own personal cosmetic surgeon. You shall walk away from this trauma with a perfect nose. One need not miss old friends when one has a beautiful face in the mirror to gaze upon with deep satisfaction. Or has their own television show.

Love,

Kitty Winn

Bachelor Number One

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Vomitola is very pleased to present you with Steele, today’s contestant for Win A Date with Lambchop.

He is tall, golden, and silken haired. His favorite things about Lambchop include “her dark-chocolate eyes, her brazen wit, her chicken pot pie, her impish smile, and her butt”. His own self-described good qualities include “a perfect physique…kindness to animals…strength and calm…incredibly rich”. He votes Andy Gibb. Steele is perfect, with taut abs, a firm handshake, and a yacht. However, he is disqualified by virtue of being Lambchop’s former beaux.

And so the search continues!

Don’t it make my brown eye blue

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Last night I did a little stealth babysitting. That entailed speeding over to my brother-in-law’s house in a blizzard because the lady of the house had taken ill with appendicitis! She is just fine at this writing. So Monstro #2 (4-y.o. boy) and BattleKitty #1 (5-y.o. girl) and I chilled. We made mac n’ cheese, and I taught them how to cheat at cards.

The kids were pretty worried about their mom because they saw her get taken away in an ambulance, so I told them about when I went to the emergency room a few months ago, and how it was just fine. What’s that, they asked. I said it was the place where you go when you need to find out why you are feeling bad in a hurry, and Monstro piped in “Ohhhh, with the drink machines!” He’s been there before. These things make an impression.

And the apogee of the evening…. I was doing up some fine-looking pigtails, and Monstro hollered from the bathroom “I’m ready!” I opened the door to find him stark naked, doing a perfect downward dog, business end pointing right at me. So what else could I do? I wiped. I went for the Wet Ones, and he protested “We only use those when I’m all sticky!” Trust me, kid. If I hadn’t caught him red-handed, I might have thought a Great Dane had wandered by.

Later, I asked his dad about “bottoms up,” and his dad sighed and said “He doesn’t get wiping yet. He just crams paper up there and leaves it.” I am filing this all away for the first time he brings a date to a family event.

-xxoo

I’ll stop the world and melt with you

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My horoscope today says: “Avoid all over-indulgences and questionable areas of town.” That can only mean that I’ll be seeing Lambchop!

And now, YOU, dear reader, can say the same.

PRESENTING…. The First Annual Vomitola.com “Win a Date With Lambchop” Giveaway!

That’s right, gentle swain, you could be a mere email away from a some-expense paid trip to see David Bowie, accompanied by Lambchop, me, and Mr. H.

How, you ask? It’s easy — just send an email to WIN@Vomitola.com with the following information:

• A 3/4 view photo (hint: you should be somewhat attractive)

• A gramatically flawless paragraph listing your favorite things about Lambchop

• A thoughtful run-down of your top five best qualities

• Pick one of the following: Andy Gibb or Jim Rockford

• Since I am doing the judging, preference will be given to supplementary material lauding Bea Arthur

No purchase necessary to enter. All entries must be received by May 1, 2004. All entries become the property of Vomitola.com and may be reproduced as we see fit, including forwarding around in email with the designation “Ha! HAHAHAHAHA!” Winner will be notified by email on or before May 15, 2004.

Actual cash value: One David Bowie ticket for the floor, section D, at the Verizon Wireless Arena in Manchester, NH on June 1, 2004. You must provide your own transportation, but if you are especially comely, we might give you a ride from, say, the Lowell Commuter Rail Station.

Of course one can not possibly put a cash value on the company of Lambchop for an evening, but it is safe to say that it is in excess of $19.95.

Please note also that in the event that you are selected but are not able to attend, you will not receive any actual cash. The ticket itself is not-transferable and becomes property of Vomitola.com if the winner is unable to use it, lest the winner gives it to an ugly person, and we actually have to sit next to him or her in public.

Hello, Ian Curtis

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I saw him again this morning. It has been a while (because I am late to work every day). But there he was this morning on my train, cialis The Ian Curtis Guy. He looks like him, purchase stands like him, moves like him, and most importantly he never looks happy. Of course, he also never looks at me. I have smiled and gazed in his direction (he is not good looking , he looks like Ian Curtis!) but he is far too focused on looking like Ian Curtis to pay any mind to yours truly. He stood 2 feet from me (I want to make him a sandwich and sing him “Heart and Soul” in a goofy falsetto) but then we reached our stop and he disappeared, as always, onto the harbor, leaving me once again powerless to declare “I have this friend- he looks just like Ian Curtis!”

-xo