Une vie ne peut pas inclure des possibilités latentes.
(A life cannot include unrealized possibilities.)
Category Archives: Uncategorized
All Tomorrow’s Pants
Fall In Love with Someone
David Bowie, the Man of the Pants, gave a stunning performance. This is the creature who invented or renewed everything I like about life in this century. He played Station to Station!!! He wryly requested that the audience not sing along to the chorus of “All the Young Dudes”. The power of that voice, that presence…it’s twitterpating, it’s Pantastic!
In addition, Clammy and I, social scientists that we are, have discovered the secret to a successful date. Only go on a Date with an attractive someone you really like, who also likes you. Thank you Mr. Drinkwater, for being a most charming escort. We scheduled all the major Date Highlights implicit in the Win a Date with Lambchop, from a nervous phone call to an awkward pause beneath the porch light.
As if it could have been any better, Helen did an excellent job of Parking and not killing anyone. Every day should be arranged to be that good!
-xo
Win a Date With Lambchop
We here in the 9th circle of Hell are pleased to show you our current favorite for the prized position of being on my arm at tonight’s Bowie concert. It is a difficult decision, as the entries are just pouring in. Thats because everyone knows I am easy. What makes this candidate so special? We like his unabashed appreciation for himself and for Echo and the Bunnymen. We also like his hair. As for his “Natural Cool”, discover for yourselves.
Dear Lambchop,
I am special for many reasons.
For starters, even though I suffer very badly from adult ADD, I am still in the 3rd most popular american synth-pop band of all time.
I like to paint rectangles and I like to read non-fiction, which are categorically stupid things to do, but even with these albatross I am still tattooed on a man’s leg for being as cool as I am. I am also special for having what I like to call a ‘natural cool.’ Even though I am typically surrounded by morons and sycophants I retain an almost ethereal quality which nearly defies description. Is this magic? Possibly. It is this ‘COOL-FACTOR’ which allows me to, say, wear one outfit/hair-do and go to several different parties in several different cities on the same
night. Do *You* Know What I Mean? From a grimy punk-rock venue in Worcester to a fine restaurant in New York City, you will find my coolness special. From a tavern in the deepest reaches of the Maine wilderness to the glamorous stages of London, Miami, Barcelona and Amsterdam, my coolness remains intact and obvious to those around me. I really don’t even have to DO anything, and that is the key. Many people have to DO things to be or at least SEEM special. Not me. My natural charisma and special cool-qualities
are ominpresent, without the need to accomplish or even attempt anything in particular. How was I born like this? Why me? I don’t know….I DON’T. I remain, however, ready to face the challenges or lack thereof that I am confronted with, and I will do so with a smile. If that is not special…well then I’m not really sure what is….
And I know way more about new wave music than you do, suckahs.
How does this relate to dear, dear Lambchop? I am not sure. Sometimes the very concept of taste brings people together, people with say, wildly varying temperaments/tempers. My favorite things about Lambchop? Pure talent in an impure world. Her fondness for pork products, her willingness to let me borrow the first disc of the Echo and the Bunnymen boxset…should I go on? I thought so. Her real color, her fake hair color. The way she almost never wears the same kind of boots my mother would wear. It is a total
package, and any person could appreciate this, especially from a PR standpoint. And really…who better to scream at David Bowie with like two giddy schoolgirls …in…. their…30’s?
Sean T. Drinkwater, Boston, Massachusetts,
June 1, 2004, 12:35pm
****About the photograph (ed- the original photo accompanying this post was lost to the highballs sands of time. The part of Sean Drinkwater will now be played by Sean Drinkwater. In order to see pictures of the Other Sean Drinkwater drinking beverages, please consult the facebook):
I took it upon myself to singlehandedly teach the Dutch about mixed drinks, in this case Orange Juice-based beverages. These were strange and queer to the Dutch, but I have a feeling should I return to Amsterdam this year that will find this kind of thing to be a bit more widespread. I will quietly thank myself for helping the new Europe in this way. A blurry photograph was
chosen to downplay my beauty because I want this contest to be fair.. Shirt: D&G, Jacket: Asics, Outer Jacket: C20 outerwear, Pants: Andrew Christian (this could be inaccurate), Shoes: Camper, Belt: probably Gap.
Dreaded bliss
The other day I was reminded that it’s nigh on to time for my annual wedding. Those of you who’ve followed this site for a while may remember that I spent last summer adrift on my personal Raft of the Medusa, agonizing over napkin folds and ankle fat. And let’s not forget being tormented by relatives I haven’t seen in years and relatives I see all the time.
We attended a wedding on Saturday that was admittedly inspired by our wedding style (debauched, scroll down til it gets blurry), which was very flattering. Except they got a prop DJ, really, the Carrot Top of DJs. As we hid under the table during “Who Let the Dogs Out,” Mr. H and I realized that our greatest regret is not making our favor tins filled with candy wrapped to look like nuts read “Nuts 4 Each Otha.” Well, that and spending our wedding night vomiting, but it’s not like we hadn’t sampled the goods before.
So we’re doing it all again this year! I am on the fence between a Studio 54 theme and a country barbecue. Pros of the first idea: wearing a white pant suit a la Bianca Jagger, lots of drugs. Pros of the second idea: barbecue and Johnny Cash. Maybe we should just do both, on consecutive days. Or I can finally marry Lambchop, now that Massachusetts has come around on this subject. Every now and then when I’m frothing and flailing about starting UglyBoston.com or the window of this one dress shop downtown, Mr. H will sigh and say “yeah, you probably should have married Heather.” He’s so right.
-xxoo
Toutes les parties de demain
Les abats des efforts échoués me déplacent à la nausée. Je tremble de peur que vous commenciez à exécuter.
(The offal of failed endeavors moves me to nausea. I tremble lest you begin performing.)
le maelstrom
Je domine l’univers, divin et terrible, enthousiaste et faible.
(I bestride the universe, godlike and terrible, ecstatic and weak.)
technical difficulty
Some recent search terms:
paula abdul’s bruises
putains
monkey face
bad taste photo olan mills
cher’s dog
green tea anal leakage
gumjobs
married horse
sexy horse
horse sexy
horse monster
horse botox
heather morgan painting
cowgirl
pictures of spider bites
evil phones
i wish i had an evil twin lyrics
There you have it. A hearty nod to the soul searching for the “I Wish I Had an Evil Twin” lyrics. Lambchop and I have selected this as “Our Song.” It keeps the perverts away! We had a lovely time seeing Mr. Merritt live the other night, although we had to tune out a slew of ironic t-shirts and thick glasses. I even spotted an indie rock pedant of Christmas past!
I am taking the bold step of moving hosting in the next few days, so please excuse any dead air. Funny, I do this kind of thing for clients without screwing up, but since I’m not paying me, I can only assume I’ll be somewhat careless. We’ll be back as soon as we can, bringing you more gumjobs, man batter, and leaky horse sex with Cher and Paula Abdul.
-xxoo
Here comes the hamster bride
This is the Vomitola wedding gift to the Gummi and her lady. Congratulations! Too bad I had to totally photoshop this cake topper. Maybe I should start mass producing them, prostate there is sure to be a demand now that people see the possibilities of cakes bedecked with lesbian rodents.
Had I had more time, recipe I could have sent one of these. The rest of you should step on it and add this to your registries right now. Please note that there is also a hamster wearing a chicken suit. They also feature little movies of many of these critters in action. So far I like La Cucaracha, but this is subject to change.
-xxoo
Love Springs Eternal
I may be lousy at romance, I may not be able to keep a hamster alive, but my pal Clammy sticks by me. It’s because She’s always right, and I am infinitely quotable!! So during that horribly pedestrian performance of The Furtive Masturbator, I stood up, and read this to my best friend:
I wish i had an evil twin/ Running Around doing people in
I wish i had a very bad / And evil twin to do my will
To cull and conquer, cut and kill/ Just like I would if I weren’t good
And if I knew where to begin
Down and down he’d go/ How low no one would know
Sometimes the good life wears thin
I wish i had an evil twin
My evil twin would lie and steal/ And he would stink of sex appeal
All men would writhe /Beneath his scythe
He’d send the pretty ones to me/ And they would think that I was he
I’d hurt them and I’d go scot free/ I’d get no blame and feel no shame
Cause evil’s not my cup of tea
Down and down he’d go/ How low, i would not need to know
All my life there should have been
An evil twin.
Who knew that Stephin Merritt’s work is such a Bonerkiller?
-xo
The hopeless romantic
Friday night’s Boston Common “theater in the park” production of The Furtive Masturbator brought new meaning to the term “ham fisted.” The audience barely noticed as the protagonist, played by a previously unknown Latin actor, entered from stage right. The audience went so far as to continue conversation loudly even after the performance began, but this is understandable owing to the abysmal lighting conditions which failed to illuminate the action.
The acting was clumsy at best, the actor beset by a lumbering physicality that somehow managed to remain wooden. The costuming can only be described as bland and unappealing, shades of beige doing little to flatter the complexion. The audience failed to engage with the subject matter in the least, prefering to natter away incessantly. The actor responded with increasingly breathy vocalizations which demonstrated his total lack of skill in projection, becoming plaintive and insistent.
Finally, completely frustrated by the audience’s utter disregard for his craft, the actor left his position and stormed off into the wings. Audience members examined their fingernails and applied more lip gloss.
***
That’s right folks, when Lambchop and I clear a room, we really clear a room. First we dispatched tourists trying to read the giant monument where we were perched with a snarling “what are you looking at?” Then it turned out that even a needy pervert is no match for our withering self-involvement. Of course we do owe a debt to Stephin Merritt for writing the lyrics that Lambchop loudly recited to ruin our intrepid friend’s special moment.
On the way home, a woman projectile vomited on the train. Attempted auto-bukkake and actual vomitola all in one night? The universe arranges itself expressly for my amusement!
-xxoo