Category Archives: Uncategorized

Round Three!

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lambchop

I feel worse than a cold plate of clam sauce, sickness as my cold has regrouped and is knocking me about for a third time. But I am really just plain angry. I have been making a prince valiant effort to continue working in my studio. And in addition to the fabulous sundry cocktails, salve I have been taking vitamins and drinking vegetable juice. In other words, treatment I need this like I need a bra with three cups. Or a prosthetic nose or a Shania Twain record.

I am reminded of the latter because one of my housemates has wretched taste in music. And as the native english speaker of the house, I am often called upon to translate song lyrics of such noteworthy talents as Incubus. After one round of a song that contained the line “it goes round and round and round. like an existential carousel…”, I left the room telling her these things were not meant for earnest contemplation.

smooch

You Shriek

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lambchop

These guys are really brilliant. And no human should be without their new album, site Unreal Cities. I am listening this very minute to their snazzy cover of Burning Skies. Also a killer version of Flock of Seagulls “Wishing”.

I had a soggy weekend that bled into this week. Two acquaintances of mine have turned into a regular Stella and Stanley show, ask complete with bottles being thrown out of windows and throat searing shrieking. People like this should not really exist outside of film. But if they must, I am of the opinion I should not know them. I know no woes- I have really large sunglasses and am trip-trapping gaily along shoving pieces of chocolate caffeinated gum into my mouth.

smooch

Number 1 in Vomit and Vomit-related products

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Licketysplit

That’s kind of a lie. www.vomit.com is number one in vomit. We’re number 1 in vomitola! Don’t go to www.vomit.com. It will trigger an epileptic fit of some sort. Worse than Pokemon or the voice of Mary Hart. If you go, remember that I warned you. Once my friend had a seizure at an Iggy Pop show. People hardly noticed! I was the only one remotely concerned as security hauled her off.

But people come here searching for some really strange things. A search terms report is pure zeitgeist, I guess. People turn to us for up-to-the-minute coverage of 50 Cent lyrics, Pop You in the Pooper, and all things Bachelorette. And bukkake. And “manchowder.”

The other funny thing is that people come here at all. Really, what’s wrong with you? Hi mom. It’s ok, I know you’re all just here to get berated by Kitty Winn! I can handle it, really. She’s a swell bird; she deserves all the perfumed fan letters and locks of hair that she gets!

As if you couldn’t tell by now, this is the equivalent of phoning in a clip show. I spent all weekend crouched in front of a computer faking my way through coding some PHP for a freelance project. Luckily my ass is good at cashing checks. Wait, wait, that’s not how it is! I mean….don’t write a check that your ass can’t cash. But I have the utmost confidence in my ass. It’s never failed me. Maybe next weekend I’ll take over the world, or learn French. Anyway, I’m beat, I’m drained, I’m going to get hot noodles.

xxoo

I’m Bleeeeding

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Lambchop

“I was recently sent a link to an animation site, sickness based on the occult autobiography of one of my favourite authors August Strindberg, salve by a close friend and collaborator from NYC. I recommend this site passionately to all who receive this update or visit the Durtro website. These 4 short and exquisite animations have had myself, pill Mrs Tibet, Steven Stapleton, Geoff Cox and many other friends in hysterical laughter for weeks now. I watch them all at least once a day.

Please, please visit Strindberg and Helium and please support them by buying some Strindberg and Helium merchandise(as I have just done).

God Is Love,

David Tibet, London February 19, 2003″

(thanks j.o.!)

smooch

Mutton dressed as lamb?

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From the Desk of Kitty Winn

Dear Kitty Winn,

I was sorting through my wardrobe today and looking over my snazzy collection of miniskirts — leopard, glitter, pinstripe, houndstooth. But then I got to thinking: I just turned 31 and I don’t want to end up like one of those garish middle aged hags you see on the subway in ankle boots, dripping mascara and showing off leathery, sagging thigh. When do I know when to say when with flashy clothes and glittery makeup? I am a tramp with Dignity!

-hot diggety

Dear dig dug,

Kitty thinks you’re barking up the wrong tree on this one. You’re never too old for glitter! Sagging breasts? Just think of that as feature-length cleavage. Kitty looks forward to seeing the old whore who lives down the street waiting for the bus, as do the neighborhood school kids. You should hear them call out in their cheerful childish tones!

Really, cupcake, you should dress in a way that makes YOU feel good at the time. Damn the feelings of others! Vogue magazine might tell you to invest in a closet chock-full of Escada and a platinum Rascal scooter, and these harpies will tell you What Not to Wear. They firmly decree that “No woman over 35 should wear skirts above the knee.” So you have a grace period of about 4 years! Problem solved?

But Kitty feels confident that there are no definitive rules, with the one exception being that VPL is déclassé at any age! Pull up your pants, Paris Hilton!

That old whore from the bus stop is happy, and that’s good enough for Kitty. Kitty personally can’t wait to age another 20, er, 40 years so she can really work the “whatever happened to Baby Jane?” look. Scarlet lips lined outside the natural border, eyebrows plucked off and drawn back on? The stuff of legends. Add an ivory-tipped cane, and you’ll be rapping the knuckles of orphans in no time!

You might try to pick a role model for your impending golden years, someone you feel oozes class and style, and hop that train. Joan Crawford? Debbie Harry? How about the Queen Mum or Mrs. Hannigan? Loni Anderson? Ah, or Vegas Ann-Margret.

Anyhoo, dignity, schmignity. After all, you don’t want to cheat your loved ones out of a Jenny Jones appearance? See You’re Too Old, You’re Somebody’s Mom, That Sexy Gear Is NOT The Bomb!

Once more into the bleach,

-Kitty

Let the Spirits Flow

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From the Desk of Kitty Winn

Dear Kitty Winn,

I have a lame problem, and I’m trying to wrack my brain to make it seem less lame and more earth shattering, but in the end, it’s pretty lame. Maybe I am lame. You tell me.

I am working on a book. I think what I have so far is really good, and other people have told me so, but I can’t seem to make any progress on it. My therapist says I have a fear of success, but what I could really use in my stagnant life right now is a little success. I thought about hiring someone to crack the whip and make me write, but I can’t really afford it. As it is, I use every diversion at my command to keep from sitting down in front of the computer, and when I finally do, nothing comes to me.

I don’t expect you to have any miracle psychological or logistical solution, but perhaps you can recommend a drug that’ll help me loosen up a bit and get my fingers flying across the keyboard.

Yours,

The Procrastinating Pen

Dear Pen,

What is the writer’s best friend, if not alcohol? Does the name James Joyce ring any bells in your dainty post-everything skull? Where would literature be without booze- you could fill the Library of Alexandria with all the great pages that have been sodden by drink. And then you could burn it down. Perhaps you are not the whiskey guzzling type. Then I suggest you toughen up! Writing isn’t for wusses.

By the way, I would like the name of your therapist. I could stand to have someone pandering to me right now. But maybe thats just my hangover talking.

-Kitty Winn

…Like I need a hole in the head

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Licketysplit

Today only! Interview with a folksinging exposure victim!

Notorious T.I.M.: I almost died today waiting for the redline at Harvard..

Notorious T.I.M.: folk singers

Licketysplit: no!

Notorious T.I.M.: you would have gotten such a laugh

Notorious T.I.M.: there is this new pair

Licketysplit: worse than carnies!

Notorious T.I.M.: man and woman

Notorious T.I.M.: they sing in harmony

Notorious T.I.M.: he plays guitar

Notorious T.I.M.: so after seeing that preview I’m dying laughing

Licketysplit: how revolting it must have been for you!

Notorious T.I.M.: the T was backed up so I got stuck listening to like 5 or 6 songs

Notorious T.I.M.: I came in at “River runs deep”

Licketysplit: holy shit

Notorious T.I.M.: which had the same chorus over and over that said “deep” like 8 times

Licketysplit: do they do this kind of thing to be *funny*?

Notorious T.I.M.: river runs deep, the river runs deep, deeper than the deep valley to the deep sea, river runs deep

Notorious T.I.M.: no

Notorious T.I.M.: I don’t think so

Notorious T.I.M.: then there was “hercules and einstein”

Licketysplit: oh man i’m cracking up

Notorious T.I.M.: then they broke into “give a little kindness”

Notorious T.I.M.: which had the best line of “loving your neighbor/ looks good on paper”

Notorious T.I.M.: “but its really hard to live that way” or something

Notorious T.I.M.: I didn’t think it could get any cheesier but

Notorious T.I.M.: then came “You’ve got to have a backup plan”

Licketysplit: gack!

Licketysplit: nothing like starting your day on a totally surreal footing

Notorious T.I.M.: it’s main chorus line was something like “you’ve got to have something to fall back on, you have to have a little something on the side”

Licketysplit: did you write this shit down?

Notorious T.I.M.: so sometimes he starts in with his light guitar playing and sings, then she comes in and they sing in harmony the rest of the song

Notorious T.I.M.: haha, no I just had to listen for so long

Notorious T.I.M.: I tried to remember on purpose because I had to tell you

Licketysplit: i am so glad you did!

Notorious T.I.M.: I’ve seen them like twice now

Notorious T.I.M.: but today I listened

Licketysplit: this is totally reviving me from my marginally hungover state

Notorious T.I.M.: they were straight out of the movie [A Mighty Wind]

Notorious T.I.M.: they made me want to jump in front of the next train

xxoo

Could you be mine, would you be mine?

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Lambchop

Mr.Rogers

O, Mr. Rogers! You have gone on to tv heaven. Every afternoon in 1978 Little Lambchop sat too close to the tv, rocking her bottom and singing along while Fred cardigan swapped. I don’t really have any jokes to insert here, because I am having a rare moment of a sincerely fond recollection.

I must add, however, that I am rather agape at Mr. Rogers mode of checking out. What’s the point of me trying to quit smoking and curb my alcoholism if Mr. Bloody Rogers dies of Cancer?! How can such a soft-spoken man have been riddled with tumors? Can’t really picture him bingeing on red meat and pouring vodka down his throat, lighting a smoke with the butt of the last one and screaming at his wife to get off his back about the goddamned dishes, can you? Well, another of the universe’s mysteries.

Thanks for Sharing. Farewell, Fred.

Purging

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Lambchop

I have lost a day in there somewhere. Really. I spent all of yesterday believing it was tues. And was hopelessly unable to count or determine how many days had passed since sunday without getting up and looking at my desktop calendar. It just goes to show you, a day without a blog is like a broken pencil. Pointless.

Its all about self-improvement, though. Yesterday i learned how to purge an eggplant! (it does not mean what you think it does. thanks to Stu for the scrummy link!)

It has been pointed out to me that this Blog is rather lacking in personal information. I, who get to spend all day being me, am not sure this is a deficit. But ever ready to please, here is a List of the Top Ten Things I Hate That are In My Closet:

10. The punk rock belt I am no longer punk rock enough for.

9. The tube top with the picture of the dog on it. (I was with you, Lickety, when I bought this- please explain!)

8. Underwear that is only fit to be bled upon.

7. Yards of leopard fur that I am going to “do something with”.

6. Moths.

5. That silvery dress that looks so pretty on the hanger but makes my hips look like airport terminals.

4. Moths (i really do HATE them, scourge, but it’s too dull an item to occupy the top spot)

3. The unfathomable tangle of run, colored stockings.

2. The pink feather boa that Sheds.(I got rid of it on another continent and still get greeted by a puff of feathers when i open the door)

1. That stinky corpse.

Top Tens are all about payoff, aren’t they?

smooch