I started a draft for a post with this title last week. And what do you know, it is still timely, a week and a few mass shootings later. Morrissey gets us through.
Let’s chat, America. Some of you have strong opinions, and you are making sure people know. What’s been making the rounds among the dullards I am blessed to associate with in some way?
1. No one is entitled to share feelings about a tragedy if you are not directly involved. See also: stop posting depressing stuff, can’t we post positive things for a change? Yes, it is tedious to witness endless expressions of shock and horror. Think how I feel after noticing the changes to the Instagram TOS first, only to have to see it rehashed for a full 24 hours after the fact!
2. This tragedy is an opportunity to experience the true meaning of Christmas – Matt Lauer, noted ghoul.
3. Guns don’t kill people, people kill people! Well, maybe. It does take the magic of the human hand to squeeze a trigger. Issue guns only to the handless! I don’t know, friends, what else are guns good for besides injuring or killing a living creature? Is there a way to use them to scare leaves off your lawn that I am unaware of? Can they be used to hang pictures in a pinch? The only use I could come up with for a gun that did not involve shooting was pistol whipping, but I am a tad creatively blocked.
4. You wouldn’t regulate cars! Oh right.
5. Why is there no armed police detail in front of my child’s school today? Because they are fetching coffee and donuts for the snipers on the guard towers surrounding the soccer field.
6. Teachers should be armed. Ah, but who will protect the students from the tyranny of an armed teacher? The students should also be armed.
7. It’s the crazy people, stupid. Yes, possibly. And we as a nation do not want to give anyone health care that they did not EARN.
8. Laws are useless because people might break them! People are also sheep who occasionally decide it is in their best interest to do things like obey traffic lights. Let’s at least give it a go?
9. Let’s approach this issue rationally. Actually, I did not hear that one.
10. If you can think of a Tumblr title, it’s already been made: