I assure you it is hard being so ridiculously attractive, a regular genetic freak. If not for some quirk of face and international media, my perfect haunches and I would still be squatting on my ancestral goat farm in Brazil. But man, accidentally attend one beach volleyball tournament, and next thing you know, you have to date actors. Whatever works, I guess.
But I am tired of all the public scrutiny. Yesterday, I did not say “all white people look alike,” but the innernets are upon me with slings and arrows, and now I have to go to freaking rehab. Rehab! I can’t help it if all white people look alike, now can I? Some of my best friends are white! So I will get back to you lates. I really hope Keith Urban and Britney don’t snore. Did I ever tell you about the time I was in rehab with Robert Downey, Jr.? I let the air out of a judge’s tires on the wrong day, I guess. But anyway, blessing in disguise. You would not believe what I can do now with tinfoil and a Bic razor and some mouthwash.