Take your protein pills and put your helmet on

I am hoping my new vitamins make my claws strong and my coat lustrous. I think I’m malnourished. My current diet tops even the “chew n’ spit” diet for sheer brutality. Try it some time: strap a twenty pound squirming weight to your front while grocery shopping. Then lug whatever you buy down a two-block long hallway, up some stairs, and through an elevator. When you try to eat any of what you bought, someone will start screaming at you. I think “eeeeeaaaaahllllltpppppthhhh” means “You have cankles, you hideous dugong!” The only solution to screaming is vigorously bouncing the twenty pound squirming weight. The weight likes deep knee bends the best. Food gets crusty on the table, and who wants to eat that now?

I so don’t have cankles, for the record. I am seeing numbers on the scale that I haven’t seen since not eating in college. A ybab should stop trying to starve me to death. Is she in cahoots with a cat? They are just waiting to eat my face when I finally collapse. If my returns keep diminishing, I will no longer test well with the vagrants by the bus station. That would be terrible.

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