If you need me, I’ll be in the bell tower

I am trying to book a hotel room, and I’m really tempted to book the “Housewives on Hiatus” package just for the stupid name.

A better idea is probably to check into a monastery with a vow of silence until the baby arrives. Then I will have the baby out in the woods, like animal, away from everyone who annoys me. At this point, “everyone who annoys me” includes just about everyone but the cat. It’s no fault of everyone’s own. Science knows that weeks 31-40 of parasite hosting are when husbands become intolerable. They can’t help it, the dear little creatures! It’s the hormones acting on their delicate systems.

Despite being all Phantom of the Opera and hissing and scurrying into darkness, I still manage to show some restraint. When I think of all the people I did NOT kill over the past few days, I am truly amazed. The person at Starbucks who ordered a half-caf, half-syrup, skim caramel macchiato with one Equal. The financial consultant. This freak was referred to us by a relative (remind me to send a card). Freak assumed I was a housewife rather than asking the more reasonable “And what do you do for a living?” Oh, hey, do you see those many thousands of dollars of computer equipment in the office? That’s just so I can play The Sims when I take a hiatus from housewifing.

He directed all questions about investments and expenses to Mr. H. Mr. H knows about as much about where the bodies are buried as the cat. So I kept having to answer. The parasite sensed evil, and kicked the ever-loving crap out of me the whole time the guy was here. When he tried telling me about fund choices, I asked about ethical investing options. He looked at me like I was insane. I said “Well, for instance there are some companies we don’t patronize, so I can’t feel good about making money from them either.” He asked for an example, and I said Wal-Mart, I mean duh. He was shocked. “Wal-Mart? I never heard anything about them being bad.” I booted him out the door, but not before he left business cards containing both a Hotmail address and his “title” in “quotes.” If he’s not a “Wealth-Accumulation-Strategist,” then what is he? I have formulated several hypotheses, but the one that makes the most sense is “Not coming anywhere near my no money.”

10 responses to “If you need me, I’ll be in the bell tower”

  1. Ahhh yes, the time of hatred.
    I was thinking of you the other day and wondering when the parasite would get the egg tooth working towards an exit.
    I won’t hassle you with birth stories.
    Just keep your guard up.
    The birthing industry is a world of “those who know what’s best for you”
    I hope Mr.H is up to it, if not bring the cat, make sure the cat is in the birth plan.
    Make sure you write “this side up” in sharpie on the belly.
    Most of all , I wish you well.
    right this moment the big one(6yrs) is reading to the little one(4mos.)
    The hatred of me has abated a bit. Returning mostly when sleep deprived.

  2. inhale 13: I have exactly 2 months left, so my rage is premature. Some days he is smarter than others. Uncanny. But I am pleased to hear that he will get even smarter. The parasite is going to arrive at home. Of course the cat will be there. So far, the birth plan is “leave me alone,” and cats are experts at this. I am really hoping the parasite tries to arrive somewhere near a hospital so I can dramatically speed to my house yelling “burl some water!”

    anonymous: I love it, except for the defense holdings. I’d rather make money off something obviously bad than something people are duped into thinking is OK. Or do people still think smoking is healthy?

  3. As an Italian-American, I resent your use of the phrase “Guinea Worm.” You are so totally going to get a visit from someone making you an offer you can’t refuse.

  4. And by the way, the offer you can’t refuse will be for life insurance at a ridiculously high rate. It will come from someone sitting in Starbucks who will then ask to speak to your husband.

    Oh, wait.

  5. David, I’m sorry, I forgot all about your extensive Italian heritage. The parasite says I should be more sensitive to other cultures, like the retarded and the financial consultants and the retarded financial consultants.

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