I recently horrified my sister by telling her that my father has purchased a bidet for the ancestral hovel. But he cheaped out and refused to spend the extra $300 to get the model with the heated seat and air-drying component. If you’re going to have a plumber come to your home and tear things apart, why not go totally ridiculous? I was really looking forward to pretending I was in Japan while home for visits, but this is not to be.
I hate that I come from a long line of proponents of the half-assed. Planting a garden turns into a few scraggly tomato plants in the front yard. Fencing the yard turns into chicken wire. Dropping out of society turns into ten years of glorified camping and small animal murder. Homeschooling turns into eating dirt and getting smacked as a study aid. We are not doers. We are imagineers! And right now, I am imagining that there are more croissants in the kitchen. There aren’t. Life is filled with disappointments. At least I don’t have crippling existentialism this year! Instead, I have a parasite, and I’ve officially become a second class citizen.