Dear Kitty Winn,

I am a sad and lonely act, gagging for sex. My sympathetic friends have helped set me up on a couple of dates, but every time I found myself on the road to snog city, some part of me would panic and find fault with the guy-like I didn’t like his side parting, or he said “wicked” once too often. But then I go right back to repining my celibacy. Naturally, my friends are no longer sympathetic. Perhaps you can answer the question that’s on their minds- “what the hell is the matter with (me)?!”

-Cry for love

Dear Crybaby,

It’s not you, it’s them! Actually, that’s not true, it’s YOU, YOU, YOU, but I cheered you up for a minute right? One possible course of action is to re-evaluate your romantic timeline. Perhaps you are letting the woo drag on a bit too long? It helps to have already sampled the milk before you let the cow start to annoy you. So hop to it and kiss on the first date (be safe of course). If it’s sex you want, sex ye shall have! Then you’ll have at least a 3-10 day cuddle hormone-fueled fog before you start to blink, rub your eyes, and notice the object of your lust sways his hips like a woman or lets the fork touch his teeth.

Believe me, there is no relationship lacking this phase of revulsion. Your “Oh God, how did I get here?” moment could come in 2 days, or 20 years. But if it’s worth pursuing, you’ll forge ahead. You’ll know when.

Alternately, if it really seems that no one measures up, maybe your friends just don’t know anyone good! Maybe you need to ditch your friends for more attractive ones, with more suave, attractive friends of their own.

Failing that, figure out what’s eating you about yourself. If you don’t like yourself, you are likely a cranky poop, on your way to being a nosy old bat. And who’s going to want to be around such an obvious open wound? Maybe all these losers are really trying to drive you away because you are so insufferable and pathetic that they don’t know what else to do?

Oh, put the letter opener down! Turn off the oven! Kitty is just trying to provoke. Sadly, the answer is that you are the key to your own happiness. No one else can make anything better if you don’t allow them. It’s ok to be a solitary soul for a while. Try to put the cravings for love aside and find it within yourself. Think Buddhism. What Would Richard Gere Do?

Keep Kitty updated, Crybaby, as your problem is more thorny than anticipated. Relax, be yourself, and before you know it, you’ll be picking out a thermos for that special someone, not an ordinary thermos either.

Fortitude,

-Kitty