Heartbreak and Halitosis

Dear Kitty Winn:

I was sitting home alone worrying last night, wondering what to do, when it occurred to me that what I needed was help from a purveyor of tawdry advice. After all, I have a terribly tawdry problem. I can’t seem to get over my ex-girlfriend. I’m beginning to annoy my friends, and even my therapist, by talking about her constantly. I’ve tried the usual techniques — moving to another town, drinking heavily, sleeping around like a two-bit whore– but none of them work. It just feels like additional betrayal: I’m not staying true to the girl I love, and the rebound girl knows what’s going on because I call out the wrong names. I just can’t achieve, how you say, release, without thinking of my lost love and the taste of her sweet, sweet anus. What can I do to get her off my mind? Also, can you recommend any good breath mints?

— Darren Hungus

Darren Hungus, I feel for you. I have been consumed with giving your problem the proper attention. It was hardly off my mind while I was watching a 60’s go-go film and having a Charleston Chew. You pose a difficult question, but without a doubt, use Fisherman’s Friend to expunge the foulness of your mouth. Those babies pack a wallop! Oh right, and your ex-girlfriend…clearly you have let the girl of your dreams slip through your fingers and will never ever be happy again ever.

Never ever.

You could endeavor to be satisfied with your lot, but Kitty Winn believes in setting things right! You don’t have a shred of existence without this woman, so you must dedicate your life to having her back. Write her, call her, lurk beneath her window- don’t let the girl have five seconds in which thoughts of you do not intrude. Give her no rest from professions of your unabated love! Praise her back door beauty! Erect a shanty in front of her door, where you live, unshaven, eating little snack foods and denied fresh air solely for a daily glimpse of her angry face in passing. No woman can resist such romantic heroism- you will be plumming her annals and hating her stupid laugh again in no time!

Good Luck,

Kitty Winn

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