Some recent search terms:
paula abdul’s bruises
bad taste photo olan mills
green tea anal leakage
heather morgan painting
pictures of spider bites
i wish i had an evil twin lyrics
There you have it. A hearty nod to the soul searching for the “I Wish I Had an Evil Twin” lyrics. Lambchop and I have selected this as “Our Song.” It keeps the perverts away! We had a lovely time seeing Mr. Merritt live the other night, although we had to tune out a slew of ironic t-shirts and thick glasses. I even spotted an indie rock pedant of Christmas past!
I am taking the bold step of moving hosting in the next few days, so please excuse any dead air. Funny, I do this kind of thing for clients without screwing up, but since I’m not paying me, I can only assume I’ll be somewhat careless. We’ll be back as soon as we can, bringing you more gumjobs, man batter, and leaky horse sex with Cher and Paula Abdul.
Pointless search terms clip show, past month or so:
a magzine about littering
dior ipod cover
green tea anal leakage
hello my honey hello my baby
how to get lizzie mcguire hairstyles
how to papasan chair problem cushion slip
carson kressley horse
marabou christmas tree
pink marabou tree
nine layer dip recipe
snake and jake’s
pop you in the pooper
3 dots on knuckle tattoo
fair spanish ladies
a list of all the lipsmackers
boston cat lady heidi erickson
amex centurion card picture
If there is a rumor about Carson Kressley and a horse, please send me detailed mail. I am all a-twitter, does it mean Catherine the Great style cavorting, or a heroin problem? Although I doubt Carson would do anything so bad for the complexion. If you find out how to do your hair just like Lizzie McGuire, let me know that as well. If your papasan is slipping all over the place, try not having sex in it. And remember, we are tops in anal leakage.
bad kitty skulls cat
cat anal leakage â€“sex
crawfish drive thru new Orleans
do dachshunds wheeze
g-l-a-m-b-o-y steve strange
heather morgan god
how do goths lose weight
kitty winn rumors
louis vuitton on newbury street
marabou christmas tree
And Heather and I are happy to serve, for we love our audience.
Actually, we are a smidge appalled by some of those investigations. Most importantly, Louis Vuitton is in the frigtastic Copley Mall, not on Newbury Street. I should know, they made the bags under my eyes this week. As an aside, hard work is really bad for my appearance.
Also, I am just kidding, I wouldn’t carry a Louis Vuitton bag if my life depended on it. Unless it were free, in which case I’d write MY name all over it. Or possibly if they managed to make one without gold-toned hardware. I will admit to fleeting temptation when the Murakami bag came out, but it’s just not me.
Some of the other searches make perfect sense, especially the marabou Christmas tree. If I had any inclination to celebrate Christmas, I’d order one right away. Maybe I’ll settle for a non-denominational wreath. What is a better symbol of pagan fertility than pink marabou? As for the rest of the terms, I am sure you have your reasons, but please do not tell US about them.
Back to the steppes of Hell. Er…work.
I just called someone an “imperious whelp.” That was satisfying. I’m getting a lot of mileage out of that one lately. And I just may have procured a new love seat for my office. You know, for office love. If I have actual furniture, I may have to finally decorate beyond pasting up the ready.gov print-outs. Some flounces over the window, perhaps a bear skin rug… a cone of silence!
While checking out the recent search strings for Vomitola, I discovered the following alarming morsels: gumjobs, bronze buttocks, anal leakage iced tea, and perhaps most disturbing of all: “bridesmaid shoes in color teal.” Sweet frosted globes of the virgin! The gumjobs are perfectly understandable. That’s a Lambchop term if there ever were one. I’d better sneak in a manchowder mention while I’m at it. Bronze buttocks, well, we can’t help you there, unless you were looking for a peek at Steele’s hindquarters. I can’t personally attest, but I’m sure Steele’s rump has a sheen like a new penny. Anal leakage iced tea? Dear reader, if you find out which brand causes anal leakage, do alert me.
Now, the bridesmaid shoes in color teal…those are a real atrocity. I am getting mawied in a few months now. I may have mentioned “wedding” at some point. Certainly I’ve mentioned shoes. But I can’t help you in your misguided pursuit. I wouldn’t tell you where to find those even if I did know! My one or two pals who will stand next to me have been instructed to “wear whatever the hell you want.” I’m not saying it won’t be a posh affair, but I trust in their impeccable taste and have no need to make them wear taffeta ruffles in the color of Circus Peanuts. I don’t need a photo of myself surrounded by grown ladies decked out like Easter Peeps. Matching is way overrated anyway. If my own socks do not match, how can I insist anyone else make such a concession?
Anyway, assembling the trappings of a garden-variety wedding isn’t really that bad. It isn’t that good either. I am not into weddings. In fact I pretty much loathe weddings. I never sat around dreaming of mine when I was a wee be-ribboned tot. But unfortunately the person I am legally and fiscally allying myself with did. Dream of his perfect girlish fantasy wedding. 😛 If I had it to do over again, I would stomp my feet and howl until I found myself boarding a flight to Vegas. But as soon as I start drinking, I am sure to enjoy myself. Most of the niggling details are out of the way, or left up to Mr. H. And registering is FUN, man. I only wish it were not limited to housewares. If I could register for a home submarine kit, or his n’ hers pith helmets, we might be on to something. Or sidearms, those could come in pretty handy these days. I thought a nice concept for the invitation might involve letters pasted together ransom note-style to say “SEND CASH. UNMARKED BILLS.”
That’s kind of a lie. www.vomit.com is number one in vomit. We’re number 1 in vomitola! Don’t go to www.vomit.com. It will trigger an epileptic fit of some sort. Worse than Pokemon or the voice of Mary Hart. If you go, remember that I warned you. Once my friend had a seizure at an Iggy Pop show. People hardly noticed! I was the only one remotely concerned as security hauled her off.
But people come here searching for some really strange things. A search terms report is pure zeitgeist, I guess. People turn to us for up-to-the-minute coverage of 50 Cent lyrics, Pop You in the Pooper, and all things Bachelorette. And bukkake. And “manchowder.”
The other funny thing is that people come here at all. Really, what’s wrong with you? Hi mom. It’s ok, I know you’re all just here to get berated by Kitty Winn! I can handle it, really. She’s a swell bird; she deserves all the perfumed fan letters and locks of hair that she gets!
As if you couldn’t tell by now, this is the equivalent of phoning in a clip show. I spent all weekend crouched in front of a computer faking my way through coding some PHP for a freelance project. Luckily my ass is good at cashing checks. Wait, wait, that’s not how it is! I mean….don’t write a check that your ass can’t cash. But I have the utmost confidence in my ass. It’s never failed me. Maybe next weekend I’ll take over the world, or learn French. Anyway, I’m beat, I’m drained, I’m going to get hot noodles.