Tag Archives: Lambchop

Who’s Counting: In the can

Point of clarification: I did not invent a new character. Lambchop is a real person, with a favorite color, day of the week underwear, and a snazzy hair-do. This is more than many of you can say! She has left us for New York, however. Watch the news.

Whoa, busy week. I had to rub rump steak all over the railings in the park by my house to draw the nesting yellow jackets over to meet the skateboarders. That went very well, I must say. Get offa my (public) lawn! I don’t want to be one of those people that lives life as a series of “If I could just… things would be better” moments. If I have to potentially kill annoying teenagers, by gum, I’m going to do it, not just whine about it. I have a plummeting property value to consider. Action, always.

No but seeeeriously. We live in a bee beard. There are wasp nests all over the outside of the house. The little buggers burrowed into one of the window frames, so I can hear them in the wall. A man came with some leftover Agent Orange, and now I don’t hear them. I also can’t breathe or move my left arm. If I could just move my left arm….

The Humming of the Humdrum

I am temping this week. Which comprises of helping myself to the Smarties jar and keeping up-to-date on the Lohan situation. Do you have a rewarding job? Don’t answer, only a quiz can tell!

1. Finish this sentence: “I make so much damn money, I can ____”
a. feed it to my dog.
b. buy more stupid shit than anyone I know.
c. heat my apartment next winter.

2. For your commute you:
a. curl up with a book
b. become homicidal
c. scratch your ass on the way from the bed to your laptop

3. Which best describes the people you work with:
a. enjoy owning pets
b. extremely ugly
c. wear orange jumpsuits

4. Which is your favorite serial killer:
a. Albert Fish, the “moon maniac”
b. Charles Starkweather
c. Ed Kemper “the Coed Killer”

5. You can’t look at this quiz while you are working because:
a. You go on as soon as they are done disinfecting the pole
b. Someone might see a big red ass on your screen
c. You are now too busy reading about albert fish, the “moon maniac”

There is no scoring for this quiz, only the following analysis: If you are scratching your ass and feeding money to your dog, you have definitely done something right. If you have to look at ugly people, I hope you are handsomely paid. And if you are a homicidal maniac, then you have the most rewarding work of all, hellish power over life and death.

There are no right answers, except to question #4, which is clearly c. Ed Kemper.

Good Times For a Change…

Where are they now, you wonder? Tina Yothers, the kid from the Life cereal ads, and Lambchop? Well, Lambchop is right here, filling you in on recent developments, at least the ones the court allows her to discuss. You may remember Lambchop from such blogs as this one, or you may know her work. So get acquainted or fall in love all over again, then toast her as she helps me yank the rudder on our course to blogly oblivion! This thing goes to Morrissey!

Oh your lambchop has been busy! Busy traversing town squares, soiling linens, busy living in sin. But doing a lot less shopping than you might think.

I haven’t been quite as busy as Lickety, your mad scientist. She went and created a whole new person. I may have merely added a couple more years to my age, made new paintings, but I have also contributed to the cycle of life. There was a time when I had no good wineglasses, and then I got some, and now I have broken them all and have none again! Well, I have the one. So having just the one, just for me, it is a good time to move on and seek my fortune, anchors aweigh and off we go. To New York, to my little corner of it.

On 7/7/07 a crushing horde of people were getting married, record numbers supposedly. How unique…for all of them! I was at that very moment seeing Morrissey, who took the stage to “Please please please let me get what I want”. And I have to say, I had a Moment, my life flashing before my eyes from 13 until 33. Let me give you the timeline of my life, in Morrissey:

High school, Jersey City, teenage angst
1987-reel around jersey city, nothing else to do that lousy summer but obssess over music, girlfriend in a coma single
1988- viva hate…rough childhood, viva hate indeed
1990- november spawned a ME
1991-kill uncle, kill the whole family

school days in Boston (booze, bad boyfriends, and bicycles)
1992-seasick yet still docked
1994-the sanest days are mad, why don’t you find out for yourself

grad school CT, sell it all and move to Berlin
1997-“And I don’t get along with myself/And I’m not too keen on anyone else/Turn on, plug in, then just walk away/Unlock, process, and then just go/And I’ve never felt quite so alone/As I do right now/I’m lying here wide to receive…”

We were not so close while I was in Berlin. Blame Neutral Milk Hotel. But then in 2004, I came back to “…America…and I love you, I just wish you’d stay where you is!”

Now I am rolling the dice, swishing the 8 ball, and Morrissey says “please please please let me get what I want”. Yes, please.