It has recently come to our attention that some of our very own readers are Ugly People. After we choked down a Xanax, we came to realize that we should be trying to help the little creatures of nature. If you lack wit and other social graces such as lots of cash, you need Us! How can you tell if you are in such a pitiable condition? Well, we have designed this handy QUIZ!

1. During the day, it is really fun for me to…

a) plan my outfit for the evening

b) trade barbs with a colleague

c) watch the neighbors fucking

2. People usually describe me as…

a) “a caution!”

b) “a warm and funny person”

c) “really awesome once you get to know me”

3. My sartorial sense is best described as:

a) Ever changing to fit a myriad of moods, with Style!

b) Interesting, but tasteful.

c) Lots of pockets and zippers. Everywhere.

4. When I go out on a date, I usually

a) Get Loaded and Lucky!

b) Enjoy flirting and figuring out a new character

c) …am not sure if I am on a date because we didn?t look at each other much and their cousin was also there.

5. What do you consider the food of love?

a) Poetry

b) Sultry dinners

c) Nervousness

6. When I desire companionship, but have no lover, I…

a) feel rewarded by the intensity such feelings contribute to my art.

b) reach out to my dearest friend, who gives me advice and makes laugh at myself

c) cuddle with my Weimeraner. Such a wuv, such a wuv, YOU love me, yes you do!

7. The bedroom is an intimate space that is very important to me. Mine evokes…

a) a high class brothel.

b) a cozy lounge.

c) Romper Room

8. When I want someone to take notice of me, I…

a) try to make them laugh

b) dress in a sexy manner and make frequent eye contact.

c) kick them!

9. I have passionate feelings about…

a) the writings of Gaultier and Baudelaire- didn’t they put beauty and uncertainty in the same frightening and voluptuous context? Let’s dance!

b) politics! From John Locke to John Kerry, I am fascinated by political philosophy, and the rights of man. Care to have coffee?

c) Pointless Debate. I never met a red herring I didn’t like. Was Stalin gay? How would he feel about Bono?

10. I think it’s sexy when…

a) I can spend the whole day in bed with someone.

b) We move well together on the dance floor

c) Someone remembers my name.

Mostly A

You are Morgan Fairchild. Sexy, unabashed, and a little scary. You are never without a full dance card.

Mostly B

You are Morgan Freeman Intelligent, compassionate, and subtle. You are a slow burn, but you always get your man.

Mostly C

You are an Albino Squirrel. Please submit your photo and we will try to match you with others of your bent. We believe in awful people being awful together!

-xo